


Love is a battlefield

by Minutebyminute



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Battlefield, Love, M/M, Military, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, war-zone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-09-30 16:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 56,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10167239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minutebyminute/pseuds/Minutebyminute
Summary: Love conquers all. Love defeats all.Sometimes love pulls you apart. Sometimes for a period in time, sometimes forever.And sometimes love is a battlefield.





	1. WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE

 

WE DON’T TALK ANYMORE  
  
  
  
  
_We don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore_

_We don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

_We don't love anymore_

_What was all of it for?_

_Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do  
  
  
_  
  
ISAK'S POV  
  
  
  
  
Isak couldn't pinpoint when it had happen. He just knew it was happening. It wasn't an exact moment where it had started. It had built up over time. Slowly at first, than faster and faster.  
  
It had begun will a feeling. Small. A nagging pit, buried deep inside him. And then i grew. Larger and larger. And one day, he couldn't ignore it anymore. He knew it. He felt it.  
  
He had fallen out of love with Even.  
  
And no matter how much he tried to ignore it, tried to work on the why and when and tried to give it time, wait for it to fix itself, it didn’t. It only grew larger and harder and worse.  
  
They hadn't talked about it. But he could sense that Even felt it too. The distance between them. The lack of closeness. The lengths between kisses and hugs and sex.  
  
  
They never sat down and talked anymore. When they ate dinner, it was in silence. When they watched TV, it was in silence. When they went to bed, it was in silence.  
  
In the beginning, when they first moved in together and started working, they had alternated between driving each other to work. Now they just went in separate cars. 

 

Isak worked in a hospital as cardio surgeon. Even worked in the military. He had tried to get into different schools, to get a degree in producing movies, but his attendance at school made them reject him. His medical reason for spotty attendance wasn't good enough. He didn't get in.  
  
But the military let him in, and he worked as a kings guard, so instead of having to travel to war, he patrolled around the castle in Oslo. Some days he reached the younger recruits. A few weekends he went on trips around the country with the younger recruits. Some days it got boring, most days he was fine with it. Or so he said to Isak, at least.  
  
They hadn't spoken about it in a while. Isak couldn't remember the last time they talked about either of their jobs. They used to share things every day, stuff that had happened at work, funny stuff, annoying stuff.  
  
They had stopped going out to dates. They used to go out for dinner at least two times a week. Meet for lunch the days they could. No they never met each other any other place than home. When they joined their friends for parties, they didn't stick close to each other. Their friends either didn't notice or chose not to comment on it.  
  
At one point, before everything started going downwards, Isak genuinely believed that Even might propose to him. They were 25 and 27 years old now. It was time to either move forwards or call it quits.  
  
  
But Isak was too cowardly. He couldn't handle the conflict and discussion that would follow, if he decided to talk with Even about this. So he just kept it to himself, and continued day by day, without trying to make a change.  
  


 

 

 

_I just heard you found the one you've been looking_

_You've been looking for_

_I wish I would have known that wasn't me_

_Cause even after all this time I still wonder_

_Why I can't move on_

_Just the way you did so easily  
_  


 

  
  
  
He knew Even had cheated on him. At least once, probably several times. He never confronted the older boy. He decided it wasn't worth the argument. It wasn't worth losing Even over.  
  
He tried to just ‘get even’ and sleep with someone else. It didn't make him feel any better. It made him feel so much worse. And he wasn't sure Even ever found out anyways. So it didn't matter.  
  
They just continued their daily routine of existing together, being in a relationship without really being in a relationship.  
  
Isak missed the early days. The days where Even talked to him about everything. The days were Even had all these ideas to share with him. The days Even talked about the future. About marriage and kids and a house and a dog. The days they went out in the middle of the night to watch the stars or just got in a car and drove around forever.  
  
Now a days Even didn't even talk to him.  
  
Their communication was mostly through text these days.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Could you buy milk?  
  
  
FROM ISAK  
  
Ok  
  
-

  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Emergency patient, will be late for dinner.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Ok  
  
-

  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Going out with the boys from work today. Will be home late  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Ok  


-  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Party at Jonas’ tonight  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Can’t make it, promised to grab a beer with the boys  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Ok  
  
-  
  
And that was the mostly they communicated except the regular “Hello, Goodbye, Can you pass the salt, Can you cook tonight, Someone needs to to the laundry”.  
  
  


 

_Don't wanna know_

_What kind of dress you're wearing tonight_

_If he's holding onto you so tight_

_The way I did before_

_I overdosed_

_Should've known your love was a game_

_Now I can't get you out of my brain_

_Oh, it's such a shame_  
  
  
  
  
One day, they just stopped going to parties together. Even didn't invite Isak to join him. Isak didn't invite Even to join him. They just went separate ways, without informing the other.  
  
Isak knew Even probably slept with other people every weekend now. He didn't know if it was girls or boys. He didn't know if it even bothered him.  
  
He couldn't even remember the last time they had sex. He wasn't sure he cared.  
  
  
  
  


 

_That we don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore_

_We don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

_We don't love anymore_

_What was all of it for?_

_Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

 

 

 

Isak had lost his mother two years prior. It had been his last year of medical school. He nearly flunked, ending up depressed after his mother died. He spends days and weeks in bed, crying and sleeping. Even quietly took care of him, just like Isak always took care of Even when he had an episode.  
  
This was right before they had stopped being Isak and Even. Before they had fallen apart, before the distance had started to build.  
  
And Even helped him. He really did. And Isak really tried to go back to normal. But he couldn’t. It had changed him. He had changed. He didn't enjoy the world anymore. Antidepressants did nothing for him so he quit those. He figured it was just the way it worked; when you lose a loved one the world looses colour. And maybe that was the reason for him and Even slowly growing apart.

 

 

 

 

_I just hope you're lying next to somebody_

_Who knows how to love you like me_

_There must be a good reason that you're gone_

_Every now and then I think you_

_Might want me to come show up at your door_

_But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong_

 

 

  
  
  
Some nights Even didn't come home from a these parties. Whenever he came home he smelled different. Either perfume or cologne. Smells Isak didn't recognise. He also smelled like weed and beer. Isak knew it wasn't good for Even. He had however stopped meddling. It was up to Even. Even could control his life on his own.  
  
And so could Isak.  
  
Isak often ate lunch with Eva and Jonas. They had found their way back to each other right after high school ended. Now they had been married for three years and had a daughter. She was named Silje.  
  
They never asked him about Even anymore. In the beginning they had. But for every avoiding answer they got, their questions grew further and further apart.  
  
They could probably see it as well. They knew. Everyone knew. But Isak was too cowardly to do something about the situation. So he just kept going like usual. Not saying anything.  
  
  
  
  


_Don't wanna know_

_If you're looking into her eyes_

_If she's holding onto you so tight the way I did before_

_I overdosed_

_Should've known your love was a game_

_Now I can't get you out of my brain_

_Oh, it's such a shame_

 

 

He knew Even still talked with Sonja. They were probably hooking up. He had caught glimpse of Even’s phone every now and again, seeing that the girl had sent him messages. But Even had set his phone settings so there were no “preview” of the text. The screen only said:  
  
Sonja  
Text Message (3)  
  
Sonja  
Missed Call (2)  
  
Snapchat  
from Sonja  
  
  
Isak put the phone back down, hearing the shower turn off. He got out of bed, found clean clothes and walked towards the bathroom, entering as Even exited. They didn't even look at each other. Just like everything else, this was part of their routine.  
  
When he came out of the bathroom, fully dressed, he met Even in the kitchen, were they quietly ate breakfast. Even was dressed in camouflage uniform today, which meant he was either called out on a mission or he was teaching younger recruits. Probably the latter. Nothing ever happened in Norway.  
  
And Isak didn't bother to ask. They walked down to the garage under the apartment building together, said a quick “Bye” and got in their separate cars.  


 

 

 

 

_That we don't talk anymore (We don't, we don't)_

_We don't talk anymore (We don't, we don't)_

_We don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

_We don't love anymore (We don't, we don't)_

_What was all of it for? (We don't, we don't)_

_Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

 

_Like we used to do_

 

 

 

 

With the tension building up at home, the hospital became more of a home to Isak. If he got asked to take double shifts or work extra hours, he always accepted. Something that resulted in him having quite a lot of extra money now, since he barely spent any and worked a lot.  
  
He and Even had separate bank accounts. He only knew approximately how much Even made per month. They had bought the apartment together and split all the bills. Electricity, water, rent and so on. Phone bills, car related bills and such they paid for separately. They just alternated between going to the store and buy groceries. Some months Isak did it more often, some months Even did. It worked out. But Isak never tried to meddle if Even bought stuff or went on trips or went out. He never tried to control him.  
  
But Isak would be lying if he didn't say the situation depressed him. He hated having ended up like this. He often thought about the earlier days, when things had been good. He held onto those memories. And he held onto the hope of someday getting back to that point.  
  
But it was probably a fairytale that would never come true. He and Even were over. They just had to admit it to each other.

 

 

 

 

 

_Don't wanna know_

_What kind of dress you're wearing tonight_

_If he's giving it to you just right_

_The way I did before_

_I overdosed_

_Should've known your love was a game_

_Now I can't get you out of my brain_

_Oh, it's such a shame_

  
  
  
At one time, Isak had been convinced that Even didn't really love him. Thanks to Sonja and a manic episode. Then Even had convinced him otherwise, for years. But had it been true? he thought, as he parked his car and walked into the hospital.  
  
Had it all been a game to Even? Had Isak just been a plaything, someone to have fun with for a while, and was now boring to him?  
  
Isak knew he couldn't blame the entire situation on Even; he himself didn't feel much love for his partner anymore.  
  
But was it because Isak had fallen out of love with Even first, or was it because he had noticed Even falling out of love with him? He wasn't sure.  
  
He went up to the locker room, changed and got paged a minute after his shift started. A little girl with a broken arm. Break looked clean, so she just needed a cast. 

 

“Can’t one of the students handle this?” Isak asked he nurse who handed him the chart.  
  
“We have none on call right now. Half are out with the flue, along with halt of the nurses, the other half isn't scheduled to start their shifts until noon today. I can wait for another doctor, but she’s so young and I figured the quicker she got treated, the better.” she looked apologetic, and a little desperate. He understood. Kids and waiting didn't go along very well, and they were low on med-students and nurses today.  
  
“It’s fine. I don’t have any surgeries scheduled today and all my patients are stable.” he said, pated the nurse on the shoulder and wait out to the waiting room outside the x-ray room. Isak found the girl and her parents, and asked them to accompany him to a treatment room.  
  
  
  


 

_That we don't talk anymore_

_We don't talk anymore_

_We don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

_We don't love anymore_

_What was all of it for?_

_Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do_

 

  
  
  
His pager beeped. Lockdown. He frowned. That never happened. It had never, in his six years as both a student and employ in this hospital, been a lockdown.  
  
“What’s wrong?” did the mother of the girl he was currently putting a cast on ask him.  
  
“Nothing, I hope. Just a weird page. Probably technical error.” he lied easily.  
  
He didn't have much left to do here, so he had to come up with a reason for holding them inside this room. Lockdown meant that they were to lock all the doors and remain where they were. It was probably a drill or a malfunction in the system. He walked over to the door and locked it anyway. Just in case.  
  
“If nothing’s wrong, why did you lock the door?” the father of the child asked.  
  
“The page said lockdown. Like I said, it might be a malfunction, but the procedure is to lock doors and stay where we are.”  
  
“Lockdown? Why would they have a lockdown?” the mother was panicking now.  
  
Isak put a hand on her shoulder carefully. “I don’t know. I will try to find out, okay? I just have to finish putting on your daughter’s cast, and then I’ll call one of my coworkers.”  
  
And then, he did just that. He tried to keep the mood up by talking with the child, explaining the process and trying to make him smile. He could see the parents growing more and more anxious. The father appeared to be checking his phone, probably trying to find out what lockdown meant.  
  
Just as Isak finished up, he spoke. “It says that lockdown means you either have a patient out of control or… or a terrorist attack.”  
  
Isak felt himself go pale. At the mentioning of it, he remembered reading about it. “I’ll make a call.” he answered weakly.  
  
  
Pulling out his phone, hands shaking, he had received multiple texts.  
  
  
  
FROM JONAH TO ISAK  
  
LOCKDOWN - SHOOTER IN HOSPITAL  
  
  
  
  
FROM ANNA TO ISAK  
  
ISAK THERE IS A SHOOTER, POSSIBLY MULTIPLE SHOOTERS IN THE HOSPITAL, PLEASE TELL ME YOU LOCKED THE DOOR?  
  
  
  
FROM ANDREAS TO ISAK  
  
SHOOTERS IN THE HOSPITAL, 15 DEAD ALREADY, STAY BEHIND A LOCKED DOOR  
  
  
  
FROM LUKE TO ISAK  
  
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, LOCK THE DOORS, WE HAVE SHOOTERS IN THE HOSPITAL. LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE AFTER SURGEONS AND NURSES ONLY. STAY HIDDEN.  
  
  
  
Jonah and Andreas were two of his coworkers. Jonah was a neurosurgeon and Andreas was a cardio-surgeon like himself. Anna was the nurse he spoke to earlier. At least he though she was. Luke was his boss. Isak liked the other man, not in an attraction kind of way, but he was kind and fair and a good leader. 

 

He was about to put his phone away when it vibrated again. It was a text from Even. He frowned, and debated a second to just ignore it. But something inside him told him to check it.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
We’re called out on a code black to your hospital. There’s multiple shooters in your hospital. Please tell me you're safe? We’re on site in 2.  
  
  
Isak couldn't believe it. It was the first time Even had shown any signs of caring about him at all for the past years or so. Should he respond? He quickly thought about it. If Even really was worried about him, Isak knew it would affect Even’s ability to work. He quickly texted back.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Safe. In examine room with underaged patient. Door is locked.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Good. Please stay there.  
  
  
  
“So? You found out why there is a lockdown?” the child’s father asked.  
  
Isak eyed the door, which had a small window in it. “Please get over to this side of the room and sit down in the corner where you can’t be seen from the window. There’s multiple gunmen in the hospital.  
  
“What?” the man demanded as his wife let out a small shriek. He got to his feet and started to drag his wife over to the corner where Isak pointed. Their kid sat down with them.  
  
“I don’t know any more than that.” Isak answered, feeling his voice breaking.  
  
—  
  
It was quiet for a while, aside from the child’s mother’s crying. Then there was a shot. And another one. And Isak suddenly remembered something. “Your phones. Put them on silent!” he urged.  
  
They all did. Isak kept looking at his phone, waiting for another update. They could hear steps outside the door. Someone tried to open the door. The husband had to put his hand over his wife’s mouth. Isak held the little girl’s hand.  
  
The person trying to get in gave up and moved on. Isak’s phone buzzed again.  
  
  
FROM LUKE TO ISAK  
  
What floor are you on?  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO LUKE  
  
Third. Why?  
  
  
He had a feeling something was up. His boss wouldn't have asked that if there wasn’t. Isak suddenly wished Even was there. They had ignored each other for a year, but now he found himself longing for his boyfriend. His boyfriend who was allowed to carry and fire a gun. His boyfriend who could protect him.  
  
  
  
FROM LUKE TO ISAK  
  
Are you close to OR 5?  
  
  
Isak frowned. He knew where this was heading. He was going to have to leave this room. And he might die in the process. He looked at the scared family in front of him. Imagined how he would feel if it was his partner and child in a situation like this. It was so horrible he had to shake his head a little.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO LUKE  
  
Yes. What’s going on?  
  
  
FROM LUKE TO ISAK  
  
GSW to the chest. You're the only surgical attending on the floor. I can’t get there. I know this is highly unfair to ask you, to take this risk, but can you? Can you get to OR 5 and save the person in there? It’s one of our own. The residents can’t handle it. He will die unless a cardio-surgeon get there.  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO LUKE  
  
Who? Who is it?  
  
  
  
FROM LUKE TO ISAK  
  
Jonah. Can you save him?  
  
  
  
  
Isak drew a sharp breath. _Jonah. Why did it have to be Jonah?_ He had signed an oath to save lives. Not risk his. _The only attending on the floor_. He had to go. He knew, he just had to. He looked at the people next to him. The family. He didn't have that. He had a druken father and a dead mother and a boyfriend who hadn't loved him in a year. He didn't have anything to lose but his chance to live.  
  
Isak wanted to live. He did. But he also wanted the person on the table in OR 5, his coworker and friend Jonah, to survive this day. So he made up his mind. 

 

 

  
FROM ISAK TO LUKE  
  
I will try.

 

 

 

 

“I need to leave you.” he said, standing up, tucking his phone into his pocket.  
  
“No, you said lockdown!” the man protested.  
  
“I am the only surgeon on this floor. They need me to save someones life in a room not far from here. You have to lock the door behind me as soon as I leave.”  
  
“But it’s not safe!” The woman protested.  
  
“No it’s not. But I need to do it. There’s no one else.” Isak said, walking over to the door, peeking out. The hallway looked clear. “Okay. I will leave now and you have to lock the door behind me. Got it?”  
  
The man nodded, got to his feet, and walked over to Isak. Isak unlocked the door, went out into the hallway and closed it behind him. As soon he closed it, he heard the lock turn. And he started walking. The hallway were completely empty.  


 

  
He was nearly at the door of OR 5 when he heard shots again. It was impossible to know whether it was the terrorists or the military. Terrorists. In Oslo. In a freakin' hospital. It was absurd. Isak knocked on the OR door. A nurse pulled away the towel they had used to block the window, and looked at him. Seconds laster he was inside the OR.  
  
The person on the table was indeed Jonah. Isak cursed. “Status?” He almost yelled as he walked over to the adjoined room to scrub his hands and pull on a sterile gown.  
  
It was bad. He had never operated on a gun shot wound to the chest. He had chosen cardio as a speciality. But he had never removed a bullet from a heart. He lived in Norway. This kind of stuff simply didn't happen here.  
  
—  
  
  
Mid surgery there was banging on the door. Someone shot a few rounds in the door. The nurses screamed. Isak stayed quiet, kept working. Blocked it all out. He could hear someone entering the room. “Stop saving him.” a deep voice told him. He could feel something hard, probably a gun, pushed against the back of his head.  
  
Isak ignored it. He blocked it all out. Concentrated on stopping the bleeding, sawing Jonah.  
  
“Stop saving him or I will shoot you too.”  
  
Isak kept working. He had gotten the bullet out, now he just had to get the bleeding under control so Jonah wouldn't bleed out on the table. “Hang another unit of O-neg.” he told the nurse, who shakily did.  
  
“I SAID STOP!” the man behind him yelled.  
  
Isak ignored him. He knew that if he stopped now, Jonah would die. So he kept going. He had to keep going. He was so scared, because he knew he would probably be shot no matter what at this point. And he would rather go down while his mind were occupied with the one thing he knew and loved; saving lives.  
  
“I’m going to count to three, and then I WILL shoot you.”  
  
Isak closed his eyes for a minute, drew a deep breath, and continued. If what Luke had told him earlier was true, he was dead no matter what at this point. Three seconds would be enough to stitch up the artery so that Jonah would survive until someone else came and finished the job.  
  
Or they would both be shot in here, right now.  
  
Anyway, Isak kept working. He had never felt like this in his whole life. On one hand, the constant fog that had been surrounding him for two years now was still there. But he longed for Even now. He longed for his boyfriend. Not only for Even to save him, but to at least say goodbye. Tell him he loved him. Tell him he was sorry for how fucked up things got between them.  
  
“One..”  
  
He was almost done. Just one more stitch. He held his breath. He hoped he would feel no pain. He hoped it would be over quick.  
  
He wished he had stayed in that examine room. With those parents and their little girl. He wished he had called in sick today.  
  
But the again, who would have been here to save Jonah then? No-one.  
  
The stitches appeared to be holding so Isak secretly cut the wires that monitored Jonah’s vitals, without anyone seeing, to make it look like he was flatlining. Giving Jonah a chance to survive.  
  
“Two…”  
  
And then there was a loud gunshot.  
  


 

  


_I overdosed_

_Should've known your love was a game_

_Now I can't get you out of my brain_

_Oh, it's such a shame_

 

_That we don't talk anymore_

 

 

 


	2. IT AIN'T ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your feedback and kudos on the previous chapter. Glad you liked it!

  


_I had a dream_

_We were sipping whisky neat_

_Highest floor, the bowery_

_Nowhere's high enough_

_Somewhere along the lines_

_We stopped seeing eye to eye_

_You were staying out all night_

_And I had enough_

 

 

 

 

EVEN’S POV  
  
  
  
  
He noticed it right after Marianne’s funeral. Isak pushed him away. He couldn't figure out if it was something he had done, or if Isak had just changed. He just remember that one day, they stopped being Even and Isak. They stopped being close. They stopped being in love.  
  
Even had been a shitty boyfriend this past year. He had cheated. Multiple times. A few of them could be blamed on him being bipolar, maybe. Probably not. He hadn't had any episodes in years. Not any big ones anyway. No, the reason was probably the numbness. He just wanted to feel something. But all he felt everyday now was emptiness and loneliness and sadness. He looked at Isak and didn't feel a thing.  
  
At one party he was at, without Isak, he met Sonja. Even got so drunk he could barely remember his name. They ended up having sex. While Even got off, he didn't feel anything for her. Maybe he had turned gay?  
  
But a few weeks later after hooking up with a random guy in a gay-bar, he figured he just didn't feel anything for anyone. So maybe he was the problem in their relationship, not Isak’s change in behaviour or lack of interest in him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_No, I don't wanna know where you been or where you're going_

_But I know I won't be home_

_And you'll be on your own_

 

 

 

 

He knew Isak was debating to end the relationship. He could feel it, see it, in the way the younger boy sometimes looked at him. He knew he should just do it himself. But something was holding him back. The smiling, happy, 17 year old boy he once fell in love with held him back. Because Even desperately wanted to believe he was still in there.  
  
He was still in love with Isak. When ever he thought about him, all he could feel was love. But when he saw him, the feeling wasn't there anymore. Maybe he was in love with the idea of their relationship. Maybe he was in love with the Isak he had met all those years ago. Maybe he was still in love with him, but his bipolar was playing tricks on his mind. He just didn't feel anything when they touched anymore. He felt dull. Numb. The only times he felt anything, where at work or when he went out with his coworkers. Then he felt a small joy.  
  
Why he kept sleeping with Sonja he wasn't sure of. He never felt anything for her. The only thing he did feel was the shame afterwards. But she made a very convincing argument. “If you did it once, why not do it again? It’s not like you love him anymore, so where’s the harm? He will break up with you anyway, it’s only a matter of time.”  
  
Time. Even had waited for Isak to break up with him for a year now. It never happened. But Isak didn't try to talk to him either. They just existed together. Lived together. But they never talked. And maybe Even, being the oldest one, should have tried to talk to Isak a long time ago. But that ship had sailed. It was too late now. He had taken the cowardly way out, and just ignored what was happening to them.

 

 

 

_Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?_

_Who's gonna rock you when the sun won't let you sleep?_

_Who's waking up to drive you home when you're drunk and all alone?_

_Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?_

_It ain't me_

 

 

 

He knew he was hurting Isak by his actions. But he never got any response from his boyfriend. Sometimes, when Even wondered why he did these things, going out, smoking weed and having sex with other people, he tried to excuse it with just that; that he hoped for a response from Isak.   
  
And maybe it was true. Maybe he wanted Isak to do something, scream at him, say something, anything. But he knew it didn't excuse any of his behaviour. Smoking weed when he knew it was bad for him. Drinking too much when he knew it was bad for him. Having sex with people who wasn't his boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

_It ain't me_

_It ain't me_

_It ain't me_

 

 

  
At one point Even had been dreaming about having children. Buying a large house. Having a dog.  
  
They had even talked about it a few times. But then they just stopped talking about the future. They just talked about every day kind of stuff. Then they gradually stopped talking at all. They just existed together. Eating dinner and going to bed and waking up and going to work. And during the weekend, going to different parties and doing stupid stuff.  
  
  
He knew Isak had slept with someone else one day. It was written all over his face - the guilt. Knowing his boyfriend so well, Even knew that Isak hadn't done it more than that one time.   
  
While Even had done it over and over and over. In desperate hope to feel something. Anything.  


-

  
He tried talking with his therapist about it. Why he felt like this, why he had fallen out of love with his boyfriend.  
  
“Have you though?” she asked him. “Because every time you talk about him, you get this spark in your eyes and you talk about him like he is the sun in your life.”  
  
“He is.”  
  
“Then why do you think you're falling out of love with him?”  
  
“I don’t feel anything anymore.”  
  
“Even. I think it may be time we reevaluate your dosages.”  
  
“I will lose my job. I have been stable for 3 years, having only one minor episode. If I start going of the rails they will fire me. I can’t risk it.”  
  
“I’ll try to come up with a solution that doesn't cost you your job, or your boyfriend.”  
  
“I think that ship has sailed.”  
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“Because I’ve been a horrible boyfriend. I have cheated, I have stopped caring, hell, I don’t even hug him anymore. It’s too late to fix things now.”  
  
“It’s never too late. Whether Isak will forgive you or not is up to him. But it’s never to late to try.”  
  
“I just don’t know how.”  
  
“Talk to him.”  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because I’m terrified he will just break up with me, if we sit down and talk.”  
  
“So you don’t want to lose him then?”  
  
“No. Never.”  
  
“Then you have to make some changes Even. If you keep cheating on him, keep ignoring him, he will eventually leave you. There is only so much a person can take before they break.”  
  
“I know. As if me being bipolar isn't hard enough on him, he has to deal with this shit as well.”  
  
“You can’t stop being bipolar Even. But you can stop cheating and drinking and smoking weed.”  
  
“I know. But drinking and smoking are the only things that lifts the fog.”  
  
“The fog?”  
  
“The cloud. Fog. Mist. Whatever’s clouding my head and holding me down, making me feel empty.”  
  
“Maybe your failing relationship is part of the reason you feel like this.”  
  
“And what do you propose I do?”  
  
“Talk with Isak. Maybe not today, but as soon as you can. Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you love him. He might not forgive you and you will have to accept that. Being cheated on is not something one should have to forgive. And when you're done telling him how you feel, you let him chose. If he chooses to go, you have to let him. If he stays, you have to make things right. Being bipolar doesn't excuse how you've treated him.”  
  
“I know. I kind of feel like you're just telling me exactly what I’ve been thinking myself.”  
  
“Then why haven't you done anything about the situation Even?”  
  
“I’m a coward.”  
  
“You’re a member of the kings guard. You’re trained as a special ops soldier. You’re hardly a coward, Even.”  
  
“When it comes to this, to the possibility of loosing Isak, I am.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_I had a dream_

_We were back to seventeen_

_Summer nights and the liberties_

_Never growing up_

_I'll take with me the Polaroids and the memories_

_But you know I'm gonna leave behind the worst of us_

 

 

 

 

 

Arriving at work, he checked the list to see where he was supposed to be today. Field practice. Great, he would have to teach a bunch of lazy teenagers survival skills.

 

  
“CODE BLACK, ALL QUALIFIED PERSONNEL IS REQUIRED TO MEET OUTSIDE IN TWO MINUTES” a voice rang out. Code black mean terrorist attack. And Even was qualified personnel. So he walked outside, taking the gear handed to him and begun putting on his bulletproof vest and a helmet, getting weapons and got in the car with everyone else.  
  
“Target is Ullevål hospital. They have reported 13 dead so far, no count on the wounded. They have started on the lockdown protocol. There are multiple shooters, at least six, and they have managed to trap all the surgeons away from the operating floor, which means people are dying as we speak. We also have a suspicion that they are trying to kill all the surgeons. Instructions are to take the targets down, and save civilian life. The police will meet us at the scene.” The chief instructed the group, before approaching Even. “Næsheim. I know you’re boyfriend works as a surgeon at this hospital. I need to know that you will be able to make the right calls and keep a clear head. Our main priority is to take down these terrorists.”   
  
“Of course sir.” Even said, nodding. He could do this. His heart started beating faster. Isak. Isak was a target. _Oh my god, he’s a target._  
  


 

  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
We’re called out on a code black to your hospital. There’s multiple shooters in your hospital. Please tell me you're safe? We’re on site in 2.  
  
  
It took some time for Isak to respond. Maybe a minute. Even’s heart continued to escalate as the seconds ticked by.  


  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Safe. In examine room with underaged patient. Door is locked.  
  
  
And just like that, he felt his heart slow down again. Isak was safe.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Good. Please stay there.  
  
  


 

 

When he jumped out of the car, arriving on the scene, he realised that this was the first time in a year he had felt anything at all for Isak. He was scared for him. He still loved him. He wasn't just in love with the idea of their relationship and the way things had used to be. He still loved Isak, no matter what. He just needed a reminder.  
  
But would it be too late?

 

 

 

 

_Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?_

_Who's gonna rock you when the sun won't let you sleep?_

_Who's waking up to drive you home when you're drunk and all alone?_

_Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?_

_It ain't me, no no_

 

_It ain't me, no no_

_It ain't me, no no_

  
  
  
They walked through the hospital, floor by floor. “Spotted movement on the OR floor.” the intercom in Even’s ear buzzed.  
  
“Noted. Corporal Næsheim accompanied by Hansen and Jespersen heading there now.” he answered.  
  
They ran down the stairs and checked every open door an hallway as they went. The locked doors they paid no attention to. Whenever they found civilians they escorted them into empty rooms with lockable door and told them to stay put.  
  
Suddenly he heard screaming coming from a room further down the room. He headed there. A nurse suddenly ran out of a room, covered in blood. She ran straight into Even’s arms. “They’re in there! Oh my god, they’re going to shoot him!” she cried hysterically.  
  
“Shot who?” Even asked her, trying to hold her still and make her calm down.  
  
“The- The-“ she was crying, sobbing, heaving for breath. “The surgeon. The cardio surgeon. Valtersen.”  
  
And Even felt his blood run cold. Isak had told him he was somewhere safe. Why hadn't he stayed there? He let her go, grabbed his gun and started running again, followed by his coworkers. Isak. He had to get to Isak.  
  
He reached the door, hearing a voice inside.  
  
“One..”  
  
“Two..” he heard a voice count. He pushed open the door, taking in the scene, seeing that man pointing his gun at Isak's head. Even aimed his weapon and just fired, no hesitation. Hansen and Jespersen took out the other two terrorists in the room. 

 

  
Then it went dead quiet. The monitor indicated that the patient flatlined.  
  
“The wires.” Isak told the nurse, who reattached them, and the monitor begun beeping again.  
  
“Isak.” Even whispered, stepping closer to his boyfriend, putting a hand on his back.  
  
Isak jerked away from him. “Don’t. I have this man’s chest open. Please back up, and let me save his life.” Isak’s voice was mechanical, neutral, and far too calm for someone who was nearly killed just under a minute ago. He was probably in shock.  
  
Even just stepped away, touched the intercom on his ear. “Three down, got them in OR five. Eyes on reminding targets?”  
  
“Negative. Are there people in danger in your current position?”  
  
“Affirmative.”  
  
“Then you and your team are ordered to standby and guard OR five Næsheim.”  
  
“Copy that.” he said, before turning to his coworkers. “Secure the room.”  
  
  
The room had two exits, Jespersen and Hansen covered one, Even the other. Every now and again he looked at Isak, who worked quickly, sometimes asking the nurses for other tools, otherwise not speaking.   
  
He had nearly lost him. He had nearly lost Isak. He felt himself starting to panic at the thought. Tried to calm himself down. The only thing that helped were looking at Isak every few seconds, seeing him alive. Slowly but surely the panic stopped. Isak was alive. He could focus again.  
  
“All targets terminated. Area clear. Pull out. The police will take over the evacuation.” the intercom buzzed.   
  
Isak had just finished up, and the nurses started wielding the patient out of the OR, and into the ICU per Isak’s demand. Isak went to the adjourning room to clean his hands and take of the gown. Even handed his gun to Jespersen, and said he would be out soon.  
  
Then he followed Isak.

 

 

  
  
“Isak.”  
  
The other boy had his back to him, scrubbing his hands harshly.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
Isak turned around quickly, and started at him. Tears were running down his cheeks, he was shaking, having trouble breathing. Even wrapped him up in his arms. They sunk to the floor. “Oh, Isak. Shh. You're safe.”  
  
“I- I- I nearly-“  
  
“I know. But you didn’t. You're okay. We’re okay. Shh.” Even held his boyfriend tight, and realised this was the first time they had been this close in a long time. He felt Isak slowly relaxing, melting into his embrace.  
  
For the first time in a year it felt like nothing had changed between them. Like everything was okay. For a few minutes, they were Isak and Even, Even and Isak.  


 

 

 

Even stayed with Isak until he had managed to calm himself down enough to go and help out in another surgery. There were more injured people than surgeons right now. They needed his hands.  
  
“Are you okay to do this Isak?” an older man had come in to join them. Even recognised him as Isak’s boss. Luke, was the man’s name.  
  
Isak just nodded.   
  
“They need you in OR 2. One of our nurses.” Luke said, the sorrow in his voice apparent.   
  
Isak just got up, turned around and looked at Even briefly. “Thank you. For saving my life.” and before Even could respond, he was gone.  
  
“Even right?” Luke asked. Even nodded  
  
“Thank you. For saving my people. You saved both Isak and Jonah by reacting so fast and taking that shot.”  
  
“It’s my job sir.”  
  
“I know. But I’m thanking you anyway.”   
  
The older man held out his hand, and Even grabbed it, letting him help him to his feet. Then they shook hands, before they exited the room and went separate ways.  
  
Even went outside, finding his company.  
  
“Excellent work, Næsheim.” his boss told him, giving his shoulder a pat.   
  
“Yeah. How many casualties?”  
  
“28. 17 Surgeons. They were obviously the targets. Including your boyfriend there is only five left on call. They have called in another five, but they probably won’t be able to save all the wounded.”  
  
“How many wounded?”  
  
“59.”  
  
“Shit.”  
  
“Yeah. 38 of them are critical. It’s a mess. We’re staying on site until it’s all cleared. We have to identify the terrorists and figure out what their target was and why and if there is any danger left. It appears the surgeons were the target, but we have to figure out why and who’s behind this.”  
  
“I know. I’ll start helping the others.”  
  
“I heard you saved your boyfriend’s life, by a second.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“May I recommend counselling Næsheim?”  
  
“I already go to a therapist weekly Sir, but I appreciate the concern.”  
  
“Okay. Good. Again, excellent work Næsheim.”  
  
“Thank you Sir.” __  
  
  
  
The fatality count went from 28 to 39. The surgeons on staff saved the rest. He couldn't help overhearing that Isak was the one saving most of the patients. And he felt so proud of him.   
  
At the same time, Even felt like shit. He had treated Isak like shit for months. Taken him for granted. And it had taken him nearly getting killed for Even to realise he still loved Isak. He loved Isak just as much as he had when they were 17 and 19 years old. He loved Isak just as much as he had from day one.   
  
Somewhere along the way, these past two years, he had manage to fuck that up. He had managed to ruin the only good thing in his life. Yes, he was good at his job. And he had parents that loved him. But the most important part of his life was Isak, and now he had ruined it. He had figured out way too late how much he truly loved Isak.   
  
And now it was probably way to late for them.  


 

  


_Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?_

_It ain't me_

 

_It ain't me_

_It ain't me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a plan for this story, so don't panic yet, we have a long road ahead;)
> 
> Please keep leaving me feedback, it helps me write :)


	3. JUST GIVE ME A REASON

  
  
  
_Right from the start_

_You were a thief, you stole my heart_

_And I your willing victim_

_I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty_

_And with every touch you fixed them_

_Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh_

_Things you never say to me oh oh_

_Tell me that you've had enough_

_Of our love, our love_

 

 

EVEN'S POV  
  
  
  
When Even came home, Isak was already there. He was sitting in the kitchen, but in the hall there were two bags, packed. He had feared this coming for a long time now. But he just hadn't seen it coming today, after everything that had happened. But then again, maybe todays events had been the last straw.  
  
“What is going on?” Even asked, entering the kitchen. He knew what was going on. He just needed to hear Isak say the words. Say that he was breaking up with him.  
  
“I’m moving out.”  
  
Okay, so that wasn't a breakup in that sentence. But it would probably be in the next words Isak said. “Why?”  
  
“You know why.” Isak just countered. He looked tired.   
  
Even walked over to the refrigerator, and pulled out two plates of leftover pasta. He heated them up and placed one in front of Isak, handing him a fork. “Why now?”  
  
Isak grabbed the fork and looked at the food for a while. Then he lifted his gaze, and looked at Even. “Because it took me almost dying for you to care even a little about me.”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“It’s true. You don’t love me anymore Even. You haven't for a long while.”  
  
It was a hard blow. But he deserved it. He deserved a lot worse too. But after the long day he had, he couldn't help but answer back in the same tone of voice.  
  
“And you mean you love me?”  
  
“I- I don’t know anymore.” Isak stuttered. He looked like he was about to cry. Even reached a hand over the table, put it on top of Isak’s briefly, giving it a reassuring squeeze.   
  
“Me either.” he admitted.  
  
“I know. You sleep around Even. You wouldn't have done that if you still loved me.” Isak was crying now, and Even hated himself for it. He hated himself for every stupid decision he had made the past year that had lead up until this point. He hated that Isak had to almost die for him to realise that he still loved the other boy, and that this emptiness he was feeling probably came from the distance that he had helped put up between them.  
  
“Isak-“ he whispered softly.  
  
Isak pulled his hand out of Even’s grip. “No. You probably have an excuse for it. But it doesn't matter. Because this isn't working anymore. We aren't working.” Isak’s tone was harsh, despite the tears. Even cringed. But he deserved it. He deserved all of Isak’s hate and rage and why wasn't Isak yelling at him? Why didn't Isak say he hated him?  
  
“I don’t have one. An excuse. Other than being the worlds worst boyfriend. And complete screw up on every aspect. And I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. And I’m sorry it took a situation like today for me to realise how much I love you. Because I do. I do love you Isak. I love you with my heart and soul.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_

_It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts_

_We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_

 

 

 

 

“You think saying that will fix anything Even? The world doesn't magically work like that.”  
  
“I know that.”  
  
“Then what do you hope to accomplish by saying this?” Isak was angrier now. Good. Even deserved that. He deserved anger and hate and pain and suffering.  
  
“I don’t know okay?! I just wanted to tell you I love you.” he blurted out.  
  
“And? I can hear there is more you’d like to say?” Isak egged on  
  
“And I want you to stay. I won’t us to work on our relationship. We had so many good years, and I don’t know what happened, but I know I want to fix it!” he was ranting now. He had no good excuse for Isak to stay. He just knew that he desperately wanted him to.  
  
“Not everything can be fixed Even.”

 

 

Even felt his heart break.

 

 

 

_I'm sorry I don't understand_

_Where all of this is coming from_

_I thought that we were fine (_

_Your head is running wild again_

_My dear we still have everythin'_

_And it's all in your mind_

_You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh_

_You used to lie so close to me oh oh_

_There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love, our love_

_Oh our love, our love_

 

 

 

  
“You’re not willing to give it a chance? You're not willing to give me a chance to prove that I could do better by you?” he couldn't hide the heartbreak in his voice. He looked at his plate, he couldn't look at Isak when he said the word. When he told Even that they were over.   
  
“I didn’t say that.”  
  
“So you are willing to give me another chance?” Even asked, hopefulness in his voice, as he looked up at his boyfriend.  
  
Isak shrugged, then made a grimace. “Maybe. I need time, Even. I need to get out of here. I need to think.” Isak looked really uncomfortable. Like he wanted to get out of here. Even didn't blame him.  
  
“Think?” he asked carefully.  
  
“I nearly DIED today Even.” Isak almost shrieked, pushing his plate away.  
  
“I know. I was there.” Even answered calmly.  
  
“I know. I owe you my life.” Isak almost whispered.  
  
Even felt so guilty. He had treated Isak so poorly, and here Isak was, saying that he owed Even his life? It made him nauseous. “You don’t owe me shit Isak. First of all that guy was my target, I had orders to kill him, and second you are my boyfriend. Of course I would save your life, no matter how fucked up our relationship is. You’re the one who saved me, all those years ago, remember?”  
  
“Even… That was a long time ago and-“ Isak’s gaze flickered, like a trapped animal. Even realised he was scaring the younger boy and leaned back in his chair.   
  
“We have changed. Yes. I know that. And I’m sorry I have turned into such a emotionless bastard that you won’t even consider trying to work things out. And I don’t blame you if you want to break up with me Isak. I deserve it. I just wanted to let you know that I still love you. And I probably always will.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

_I never stop, you're still written in the scars on my heart_

_You're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Even… I don’t think of you as an emotionless bastard-“  
  
“Then why did it take you almost dying for me to feel something for you again?” Even whispered brokenly.   
  
“I don’t know. To be honest, the past year, I haven't felt much myself. I’m sorry. That’s why I want time to think.” Isak said, carefully stretching over the table and putting his hand on top of Even’s.  
  
“Isak. I won’t deny you time. I won’t deny you anything. You are free to do whatever you want. But I think, that if you move out now, we’ll never find our way back together.”  
  
“I think opposite. If I stay now, we will end up resenting each other.”  
  
It made sense. They had been stuck in this routine of ignoring each other. Dancing around each other. Not taking care or each other. So maybe Isak was right. If he stayed now and Even couldn't take care of him, they would end up pushing each other further away.   
  
“I-“  
  
“Maybe we already do.” Isak whispered.  
  
The words hurt. But they were true. Maybe they did. Isak resented him for being a sucky boyfriend who slept around and drank too much and didn't care. He resented Isak for having stopped loving him after Marianne died.  
  
“So, are we on a break or-“ Even asked carefully.  
  
“Even. We are to old to be on a break.”  
  
“So you want to break up?” He could barely get the words out.  
  
“I didn't say that Even. I said I’m moving out. At least for now. Today I… I don’t know what happened to me in that OR. I couldn't stop working, even when that, that man threatened my life, Even. I need some time to process, to figure out-“ Isak was rambling. Panicking.

 

Even recognised it so well. He had often been there himself. And he was also trained to counsel people who had gone through a situation like Isak had today. He recognised the signs.  
  
“Isak.” he said quietly.  
  
“What?” Isak’s eyes were wet. He were on the verge of tears.  
  
“This is what I am trained to. I can help you through that.” Even offered.  
  
“I can’t stay Even.” Isak’s voice was broken as he said it. It hurt Even, hearing the words. But he deserved the pain.  
  
“I know. But I can help you.” he repeated, this time looking into Isak’s eyes. Telling him he could be there for him, help him, talk to him. They didn't need to be laying in the same bed and living together for that. They could meet when Isak was ready.  
  
Isak nodded. “I want you to. But not tonight.”  
  
“Not tonight.” Even agreed. Isak needed to sleep. And he probably needed something for the shock. And he needed a safe place. “Where are you going? I need to know that you will be someplace safe, they haven't figured out what or who’s behind this yet.” When Even had left work, he had promised to have Isak under his protection. All the other surgeons had been placed under protective detail.  
  
“Jonas and Eva. They live in a safe neighbourhood.”  
  
That was good. Eva was a police officer and Jonas had done two years in the military before starting law school.   
  
“Can I please escort you there? I’m scared something might happen to you.” he asked.  
  
“Escort?” Isak snorted, almost laughed a little. “But yes. You can take me there.”  
  
“Thank you.” Even replied, sincerely.

 

 

 

_Oh tear ducts and rust_

_I'll fix it for us_

_We're collecting dust, but our love's enough_

_You're holding it in_

_You're pouring a drink_

_No nothing is as bad as it seems_

_We'll come clean_  
  


  
When they arrived outside Eva and Jonas’ place they were already waiting for them outside. Eva just nodded to him, as to say she had it. Even handed her a folder, which held every detail she needed to know about the situation. And he also handed her a intercom and a gun. The Norwegian police force wasn't allowed to carry guns unless the state department said they could. The kings guard however were allowed to. So Even gave her his.  
  
As Eva escorted Isak into the apartment, Even asked to have a word with Jonas.  
  
He could see in the other boys eyes that he loathed Even. He had never really liked him, he supposed. Even had tried to be friends with Jonas for years. They were pleasant towards each other. But after this past year, Jonas had started treating him like dirt under his shoe. Even didn't blame him. “Look, I know you hate me-“  
  
“I do.” Jonas answered firmly.  
  
“And your right to do so, but please, make sure he stays inside and safe.” Even urged.  
  
“Why does he need to stay inside? And why did you hand Eva that gun?”  
  
“The people or person behind this is unknown. At least, that’s the status per now. I will text you with any updates on the case that is relevant, but for now all the surgeons are told to stay home, stay inside until further notice. Everyone is under protective detail. I was supposed to be Isak’s, but since he wanted to leave, which is fine, someone else has to be. Eva can fill that position for tonight, but they might assign another military agent to protect him tomorrow. And I know he doesn't want anything to do with me, and rightly so, but this is about his security Jonas. They pointed a gun at his head today.”  
  
“They what?!”  
  
“He haven't told you what happened at the hospital?”  
  
“Only that it was an attack and people died… They pointed it at his head?”  
  
“While he was operating. I entered the room just in time, took the target… er terrorist, down.”  
  
“Shit.”  
  
“Yeah. So just. Make sure he is safe and… take better care of him then I have. I have been an asshole. I have been a sucky boyfriend and I don’t ever expect him to forgive me. I just want him to be safe, because despite being the worst human possible, I do really love him.”  
  
Jonas stayed silent for a while. Thoughtful. Then he looked up at Even. “Then you better prove it.”  
  
And then he left, going back inside to his wife, child and Isak. Leaving Even alone out in the streets.

 

 

 

  


 

_Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

_It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts_

_That we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

 

_Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_

_It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts_

_That we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_

 

_Oh we can learn to love again_

_Oh we can learn to love again oh oh_

_Oh that we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_


	4. MY IMMORTAL

 

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_'Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

 

__  
ISAK'S POV  
  
  
  
  
As soon as Isak entered Eva and Jonas’ apartment, he went into the spare bedroom and collapsed on the bed. Jonas carried his bags in and pulled a blanket over him, but he didn't say anything. He just turned of the light and closed the door behind him, leaving Isak alone.

 

He knew that Eva and Jonas would want to talk to him tomorrow. He hadn't told them much, just that there had been a shooting at the hospital and that he needed to get out of his apartment. He needed to get away from Even. He needed to think. He needed time to consider his relationship. He needed time.  
  
He fell asleep in a matter of seconds, having taken anxiety drugs on the way over - Even had provided him some before they left the apartment.  
  
Even. The last thing on his mind as he fell asleep was Even. Even still loved him. He still loved Even. Things were really fucked up right now.  
  
  


 

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

 

 

 

 

Waking up the next morning, Isak had almost forgotten yesterday’s events. For a few blissful seconds, life felt normal. But then he opened his eyes, saw that he was in Eva and Jonas’ guest room, and reality came back, hitting him full force.  


 

  
_I almost died yesterday._  
  
Even saved my life.  
  
I left Even.  
  
Even still loves me.  
  
Can I forgive him?

 

 

 

He sat up, taking a deep breath. He could hear Eva and Jonas in the kitchen, probably making breakfast. And he could hear Silje laugh. He smiled a little.   
  
Getting out of bed was harder than he had thought, he was stiff and sore. Then again, he had been on his feet for 20 hours constant yesterday and operated on 35 patients. Some died a few minutes into surgery, there was nothing to do for them. But he saved most of them. He had saved 29 lives yesterday. Including Jonah. He reached for his phone, to check if anyone had texted him about Jonah.  
  
All patients had been transferred to other hospitals and the hospital was evacuated until further notice. He was to be under protective detail. Originally his protective detail was Even, but now it was Eva. Shit. He hated being a burden to his friends.  


No messages, so he typed one himself. 

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO LUKE  
  
Status on Jonah?  
  
  
FROM LUKE TO ISAK  
  
Awake and well. So are everyone else you saved yesterday. I’m so proud of you Isak. Stay indoors and rest while the police figure this case out. Rest, you’ve earned it. I will contact you as soon as I know anything.  
  


  
Isak smiled a bit, pulled on a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and went out into the kitchen.  
  


 

 

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

 

 

 

 

“Hello sleepy.” Jonas smiled at him and placed a plate with eggs, bacon and toast in front of him as he sat down.  
  
“Thanks.” Isak said, smiling weakly at his friend. “Guys, look, I’m so sorry to be a burden to you-“  
  
“Burden? You’re not.” Eva said, spoon-feeding Silje some food. “Why do you think that?”  
  
“You have to watch over me like a child.”  
  
“Isak. You're allowing me to be home with my daughter. I don’t think that’s a burden. It feels like a day of, except I get paid extra because they consider it high risk.” she laughed, then put a hand on his arm. “Isak. I love you. Don’t worry about it. Just relax, we love having you here.”  
  
Isak tried to nod, but he wasn't sure if they had seen it or not. He turned to Jonas. “Why are you home?”  
  
“Called in sick. Wanted to be here for you.” The dark haired boy shrugged.   
  
Isak could feel himself break all over again. He blinked away the tears, swallowed the sobs and started eating his breakfast.  
  
Eva and Jonas exchanged a look, but didn't say anything.  
  
They refused his help with cleaning up as well. Told him to go into the living room and relax. So he did. He curled up on the couch and scrolled through a few newspaper websites on his phone, reading a bunch about the attack, but not learning anything new. He was mentioned in a few articles. Even and his coworkers were just referred to as the “kings guard”. They couldn't make their names public.  
  
Just as he was about to put the phone down, it buzzed.  


 

  
Incoming call from  
JONAH  
  
  
He furrowed his brow, but answered it none the less.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Isak. My hero.” he heard Jonah on the other end.  
  
“You should really be resting, not making phone calls.” Isak scolded. “But it’s nice to hear your voice.” he added

 

“Wanted to thank you for saving my life and a text felt a little impersonal.”  
  
“Could have waited until you saw me again. And no problem. It’s my job, remember.”  
  
“I heard you almost got shot saving me. That is not part of your job.”  
  
Isak flinched. “Yeah. Well. I survived.”   
  
“Isak. You need to talk to someone about it. What about that boyfriend of yours? He is trained for these kinds of situations, isn't he?”  
  
“Yeah, but it’s… complicated.”  
  
“Oh. Wasn’t he the one saving you yesterday? And also me?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Thank him from me. And talk to someone. I need to hang up now, the nurses says I need to rest. Take care Isak. And thank you, for saving my life.”  
  
“They’re right. You should rest. Take it easy Jonah. And again, no problem, you would have done the same for me.”  
  
“I’m not that good of a surgeon, you would have died. But I would have tried, yes.” he laughed.  
  
“Bye Jonah.”  
  
“Bye Isak.”  
  
As he hung up the phone, Eva and Jonas entered the living room. They had probably put Silje down for a nap.  
  
“Was that the guy you saved yesterday?” Jonas asked.  
  
And here it was. The talk. He would have to talk to them now. But maybe it was a good thing. Like Jonah just said, he needed to talk to someone. Maybe the feeling of the gun pressed to his head, the anxiety he felt every time he thought about yesterday, would lessen. He swallowed.  
  
“Yes.” 

 

 

 

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me_

 

 

  
“You want to tell us about what happened in that OR Isak?”  
  
He looked at them as they sat down. They wanted to help him. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to relive the previous day.  
  
“I know it’s hard Isak. But the sooner you talk about it, the easier it will be to get past it.” Eva said calmly. 

 

“I was the only surgeon one the floor. “ Isak begun. “They asked if I could make it to OR five, because the patient in there was shot in the chest and dying. The patient was Jonah. I made a decision, and went from the room I was in, going to that OR. Jonah was bleeding out, his vitals dropping. I had just gotten the bullet out, when the… terrorists shot the door lock and entered the room. They started yelling at me to stop. Put a gun to my head. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't think rationally. I just kept working, saving my friend. I figured that they would just shoot me no matter what and that if I could just get in a few more stitches, Jonah could survive. I unplugged his monitors without them seeing. Making it look like he flatlined. The guy started counting. One… Two… And then, there was a loud gunshot. And for a minute, I thought I was dead. But I wasn’t. The man behind me was. And I turned my head, seeing Even. Even and two of his colleges. Even had made the shot. Even had saved my life. I turned back, and continued the surgery. Made the nurse reattach the wires and help me out. When the surgery was over, the military got an all clear and we were able to send Jonah to the ICU. I went to wash my hands and remove my gown and Even followed me. And he kept saying my name. And then I was falling apart, crying. And when he pulled me into his arms, I felt so safe. I felt safe, I felt loved. And then the moment was over, and I had to go and save more people.”  
  
He took a deep breath.  
  
“And as the night stretched on and I kept losing and saving people, every single one full of bullet wounds, I just… Something in me snapped. We live in Norway. I had never, until yesterday, had to operate on a single bullet wound. And Even. This was the first time in a whole year he had shown any signs of caring about me. And that’s when I decided, I needed to get out of that apartment and I needed to rethink my life. I have just existed these past two years. Accepted things, just blocked life out. And yesterday I almost died. I could have died, and I just… I just needed to get away from our toxic relationship and I needed to think.”  
  
“Are you going to break up with him Isak?” Jonas asked, almost sounding hopeful.  
  
“I don’t know. I love him. He loves me.”  
  
“He’s cheated on you.” Jonas argued.  
  
“I cheated on you and you forgave me.” Eva reminded him.   
  
Jonas made a grimace. “That’s different. It was a one time thing.”   
  
“And you yourself cheated on Ingrid a whole summer.” she continued. Then she turned to Isak. “Cheating is not okay. But if you really love him and he really loves you, you can make it work.”  
  
“I don’t know what I want right now.” Isak admitted. Because he didn’t.  
  
Eva moved over to sit beside him and wrapped him up in a hug. “Take all the time you need.”

 

 

 

 

 

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

 

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

 

 

 

 

 

Isak found himself sitting on the windowsill with Jonas later that night, smoking weed. Eva said she would pretend she hadn't seen it and let them enjoy a joint this once.   
  
The military had come by right after lunch, giving Eva and Jonas clearance to protect Isak together, Jonas having served in the military earlier and Eva being a police officer. They gave them both weapons and told them what the had figured out so far. Which wasn't much. They had a lead, but they weren’t sure.   
  
Isak wanted to talk to Even. But he realised, that if he talked to him now he wouldn't be able to think clearly. And he had a decision to make.  
  
“I think you should dump him Isak. You deserve better.”  
  
“Jonas. I know you never liked him-“  
  
“He cheated on you. Repeatedly.”  
  
“He is bipolar.”  
  
“That doesn't excuse everything Isak.”  
  
“I know. But I am partly to blame.”  
  
“How can you be to blame in this situation?”  
  
“I pushed him away when mom died. I stopped caring about him. I stopped loving him. It doesn't excuse it, I know. But he isn't the only one to blame for our relationship problems.”  
  
“Maybe not. But I still believe you deserve someone who treats you better.”  
  
“Even treated me good for years.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“I want to take time to consider this, without being pressured. Please Jonas. Let me decide this myself.”  
  
“Okay.”

 

 

-  
  
  
When he went back to work a few days later, there were military personnel at every entrance. By his luck, Even was stationed at the door he was going in. But Even didn't even look at him. The other guy checked Isak’s ID card and allowed him to go through the door.   
  
Isak cast a long glance at Even, before walking into the hospital. Within a few hours, the rooms were filled with patients and nurses and doctors once again. Every drop of blood was cleaned off, every hole in the wall made by bullet wounds was fixed. The doors to OR five was replaced. Everything was back to normal. Only it wasn’t.  
  
Because there were guards outside. Because almost all of his coworkers had died a week ago. Because the place he once considered safe, considered home, now gave him chills. Every time someone slammed a door or dropped something he flinched.  
  
This used to be a safe place. A sanctuary. Now it was a nightmare.

 

_“Dr. Valtersen to OR 2.”_

 

He took a deep breath, steadied himself, and started walking to OR 2. 

 

 

 

 

 

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

 

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

_All of me... me... me..._


	5. OBLIVION

_Since I was young, I knew I'd find you_

_But our love was a song sung by a dying swan_

_And in the night, you hear me calling_

_You hear me calling_

_And in your dreams you see me falling, falling_

 

 

 

 

EVEN’S POV

  
  
  
  
The apartment felt so empty without Isak. They may have been just coexisting for the past year, but the emptiness Isak eft behind was enormous none the less. Even knew he deserved this. He knew he would never deserve Isak’s forgiveness and he would probably never get it either. He had never deserved a person so pure, so good, so kind as Isak anyway. Even was a black hole who destroyed people.   
  
  
Even only stayed home the hours he slept. He spent the rest at work, trying to track down who had done this. They met dead end after dead end. It was frustrating. Someone had attacked a hospital in Norway and they couldn't find the people responsible. Which meant that the hospital had to stay guarded 24/7 until they did.  
  
The hospital opened again after being closed one week. Even was assigned to one of the entrances during the morning shift. And by chance, or faith, or irony, it was the entrance Isak went through every morning. Even managed to keep his face neutral every day he saw the other boy, despite breaking down inside. He missed his boyfriend. He missed him so bad. But he didn't deserve him. He never would either.  
  
One day Isak smiled at him. He nearly broke down then and there. Why did Isak smile at him? He didn't deserve Isak’s smile. He didn't deserve Isak’s kindness. He certainly didn't deserve his forgiveness. He didn't deserve anything.  
  
Then one day, two weeks after the attack, they got a lead.   
  
“A terrorist group located in Afghanistan. We still have some troupes down there, but I am sending down a special group for this assignment.” his boss told him.  
  
Even didn't even think before the words left his mouth. “Permission to join Sir.”  
  
“Næsheim. You're a member of the kings guard, not a special ops solider.”  
  
“But I was trained to be. I did a tour down there as a part of my training. I only requested a transfer to the kings guard to be able to have a normal home life.”  
  
“And you don’t want that anymore?” his chief questioned him. “You know the risk of a mission like this.”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
“And you are willing to take that risk?”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
“You think your boyfriend will be okay with you going to a war zone?”  
  
“With all due respect Sir, he doesn't have a say considering we are not married. And he left me the day of the attack on the hospital, Sir.”  
  
“I’m sorry to hear that Næsheim.”  
  
“Thank you Sir, but it was my own fault. May I have your permission to join Sir?”  
  
“You may. We need guys like you.”  
  
“Thank you Sir. When are we leaving?”  
  
“In an hour.”

 

 

 

 

_Breathe in the light_

_I'll stay here in the shadow_

_Waiting for a sign, as the tide grows_

_Higher, and higher, and higher_

 

 

 

 

As he prepared to leave, Even used 48 minutes to debate whether he should tell Isak or not. He decided to call Jonas instead. He knew it was cowardly, to put this on Jonas’ shoulders, making him decide whether Isak got to know or not. But he was there with Isak, and able to determine if Isak could handle hearing this now or not.  
  
“Even.” Jonas answered him coldly.  
  
“Jonas.” Even said neutrally.  
  
“Why are you calling?” Jonas asked, cutting straight to the point. Just like Even had foreseen.   
  
“We have a lead. A terrorist cell in Afghanistan. We are sending out a special team now, leaving in 12 minutes. Per now the status is that there are no immediate danger for the hospital or country in general, but the guards will stay at Ullevål until we have taken them down over there.”  
  
“We?”  
  
“The military. They're sending down a special ops team.”  
  
“Are you going down there Even?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Why? I thought you only worked in the kings guard?”  
  
“I am trained for these situations Jonas. I just worked in the kings guard so I could stay home and have a life with Isak.”  
  
“Shit. I mean, it’s a war zone Even. You could…”   
  
“I know. Take care of Isak please? And if he’s not… in the right state of mind for this right now, wait until you tell him please. Or don’t tell him. He doesn't need this on his shoulders right now.”  
  
“I will. And Even?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Please don’t die.”  
  
“Thought you hated me.”  
  
“Yeah. Turns out my best friend still loves you though, so I just have to learn how to accept you.”  
  
“He does?”  
  
“I think he will forgive you Even. But I swear to fucking god, if he does forgive you, you better make it up to him. And if you ever hurt him again I will fucking kill you.”  
  
Even smiled at that. “Take care of him Jonas.”  
  
“I will. Take down those assholes.”  
  
“I will.”  
  
He hung up the phone and pushed it into his pocket as he sat down next to another man on the plane.  
  
“Saying goodbye to loved ones?” the other man asked.  
  
“No. Just tying up loose ends.” Even replied. It was partly true. Despite hearing Jonas say that Isak was probably going to forgive him, he knew he didn't deserve it and besides, it was a huge possibility of him dying during his mission.  
  
“Might as well, with the mission at hand. I’m Robert.”  
  
“Even.”  
  
They shook hands. The chief entered the plane and the door closed.  
  
“Buckle up boys, we’re taking of in less than five. And when we land, we will be transported to the Norwegian main base for the night. At first light tomorrow we will go out and we will hunt down these sons of bitches.”  


 

 

_And when the nights are long_

_All those stars recall your goodbye, your goodbye_  
  
  
  
The hot air hit him like a wave when he exited the plane. The sun was setting and they were escorted into SUV’s. He had been forced to put on a bulletproof vest and a helmet before leaving the plane. Two minutes on the outside of the plane and he was already sweating.  
  
He looked around, seeing only sand and heat and emptiness. It reflected how he felt inside. It felt soothing, somehow.  
  
When they arrived on camp, he got assigned a bunkbed and put down his bag. He had brought with him a photo of him and Isak. They were both smiling, sitting in the grass. It was Eva who had taken the picture, without their knowledge. It was one of his favourites.   


  
He pulled out his phone, decided to call his mother. He hadn't told her about leaving. He knew she would have tried to stop him.  
  
“Even, hey honey.” she answered on the third ring.  
  
“Hey mom. Look. I have to tell you something…”  
  
“You’re in Afghanistan.” she simply replied.   
  
“How did you know?”  
  
“Because as soon as I saw on the news that they suspected a group down there to be behind the attack, I knew they would send down special forces. And I knew you would join them. Because you want to punish yourself for the way you treated Isak.”  
  
“That’s not-“  
  
“Yes Even. That is why.” she sounded upset. Not mad, or angry, but maybe a bit sad?  
  
“Okay maybe it’s partly why. The other reason is that I’m good at this. This is something I’m good at mom. And I need to feel like I can make a difference.” he explained. He hadn't realised it until he said it out loud now. But that was it. That was the emptiness and the numbness following him. He had felt like he didn't have a purpose. And that wasn't an excuse for what he had done. There was no excuse for what he had done.  
  
“Oh honey. I wish you would’ve chosen a safer way to make a difference. Become a movie director instead. So you could impact people and make a difference in a safer way.”  
  
“Yeah. Me too. But they wouldn't accept me so here I am.”  
  
“There you are. I won’t scold you, or yell. I don’t want that to be our last conversation Even. I know this is risky and that I might lose you. So please try and stay safe. Because I love you so so much. And so does your father. And I’m pretty sure Isak loves you too, he just needs time to overcome everything right now.”  
  
“I love you too mom.”  
  
“Be careful Even. Please.”  
  
“I will. Love you, bye.”  
  
“Bye.”  
  
  
When he went to put down the phone, it buzzed.  
  
  
FROM JONAS TO EVEN  
  
Haven’t told him yet, he is kind of a mess right now. Had a bad day at work I think, probably lost a patient. Will try to tell him when he’s feeling better. Take care down there. Be safe. And take down those assholes.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO JONAS  
  
I will try my best. Just keep him safe. If he’s not up for hearing about this then don’t tell him. He doesn't need to know.  
  
  
  
FROM JONAS TO EVEN  
  
And if you die? You think he will forgive us for keeping this from him?  


 

  


  
Even had thought about that. Isak would probably never forgive him for not being allowed to say goodbye. But Even didn't exactly planned on dying. So he hadn't felt a need for a goodbye. But both his mother and Jonas were right. He could die. And it would be without making amends with Isak. He took a deep breath.  


  


 

 

  
FROM EVEN TO JONAS  
  
Then you pretend you didn't know I was going. Just tell him that I loved him. Make sure he knows, if worst comes to worst. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything to take back all the pain I’ve caused him. Bye Jonas.  
  


 

 

  
  
And then he turned off his phone and put it in his bag. He knew the drill, no contacting people back home when they were on a mission. So he could keep his phone on until tomorrow morning, but what was the point? He had made the one call he wanted to. He didn't have anyone else he need to talk to.  
  
As he undressed and crawled under the sheets, he thought about what Isak would be doing now, all those miles away. He hoped the other boy was happy. He hoped that despite him having a bad day at work, Eva and Jonas and Silje would make him happy.  
  
He wished that Isak would have a better life without him. Be happier, without him.   
  
He fell asleep thinking about the happy days, the good memories. The days where they were Even and Isak, Isak and Even. Happy. In love. Cared about each other. Took care of each other. The days where Even wasn't the worst boyfriend in the world.  
  
The days they had been happy.  
  
Even missed those days.  
  


 

 

_And in the night you'll hear me calling_

_You'll hear me calling_

_And in your dreams you'll see us falling, falling_

_And in the night you'll hear me calling_

_You'll hear me calling_

_And in your dreams you'll see us falling, falling_

 

 

 

 

At 0500 the next morning they got up, ate breakfast and got dressed. By 0530 they were spread into different SUV’s and on their way to the area where they believed the target would be.   
  
They were three teams with six special ops soldiers, 18 in total. Even was part of the six who hadn't been to Afghanistan before. They rest had already been here once or twice. They split into six cars, three men in each car. He ended up in the same car as Robert and they gave each other a curtesy nod. The ride went on in silence.  
  
Just as they approached the area, the car in the lead of the convoy alerted them about a possible trap. The terrorists had probably seen them coming. They pulled up behind a cliff and got the gear out.  
  
“You’re a sniper?” Robert asked him.   
  
Even nodded. “I was trained to be.”  
  
“Have you ever killed someone?”  
  
“Once. You?”  
  
“No. But I’ll spot you.”   
  
“Okay.”  
  
They climbed up on top of the hill, two more teams of two doing the same fifteen meters to their right and left. The rest stayed down on the ground, as backup. Even looked through the scope and spotted them at once. Heavily armed guys, hiding in an empty building, pointing their weapons on the road. Even counted between 20 or 30.  
  
“Command, do we have clearance to fire?” he asked into his intercom.  
  
“Negative. Waiting for confirmation.”  
  
He knew these guys were only suspected of being the guys behind the attack. No-one had claimed responsibility yet. But he had hoped they would have confirmed it by now.  
  
“What’s our orders?” he asked.  
  
“Stand by and wait for confirmation.” the intercom buzzed.

 

And so they did. For hours. Even had to carefully climb down once to go and pee. He probably drank five bottles of water. And he spent a lot of time thinking about how he could fix his relationship with Isak. If he should. He probably shouldn’t. The younger boy deserved someone better than Even. Someone who didn't cheat. Someone who wasn't bipolar. Someone who wasn't acomplete screwup. He decided he was going to let Isak go.  
  
“Terrorists just live-streamed a video on the internet, claiming responsibility and telling the Norwegian government to pull out all their forces or they will attack again. Our tec-guy just traced the feed to the location a kilometre ahead of you. If they have guns you have permission to fire.”  
  
And they did. Even took down five guys before he had to duck. He could hear the bullet passing by him, so close it nearly hit him. He looked at his spotter, wide eyed. “Are you okay?” Robert just nodded, and they resumed their positions.  
  
When it got quiet, they got into the cars and drove closer to the area. It looked like they had taken them all down. They did a perimeter check just in case and confiscated guns and technology and drugs. Then they climbed into their cars and headed back to base. Captured three of the terrorists alive, and brought them back with them for questioning.  
  
“Unit 7-2-4 returning to base.” their team leader, Michelson or something, said.  
  
“Confirmed. No hostiles on route, you're all clear.” the intercom buzzed.  
  
  
As they begun driving, Even let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He looked over at Robert, smiling weakly. “That went well.” Better than he had expected. He had kind of expected to die today, considering the high risk and the part where he hadn't held a sniper gun in over 5 years.  
  
“Yes. We only have one wounded, and it’s a flesh wound. No fatalities. We were lucky.” Robert said. He looked relieved as well.  
  
  
And just as he finished speaking, there was a loud bang, and the car tilted and everything went black.

 

 

 

_Breathe in the light and say goodbye_

_Breathe in the light and say goodbye_


	6. WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm neither a doctor or have ever been in the military, I apologise for any mistakes. I just have books and movies to base it on, how it's like to be a doctor/soldier, so if anything is incorrect, I apologise for that.

 

 

 

  
  
_I'm finally broken, falling too far_

_Burned up in pieces from chasing your stars_

_With twilight approaching all that I've seen_

_I could never get over what you've done to me_

 

 

 

 

ISAK’S POV  
  


 

 

Isak spent his days going to work, working overtime and sleeping a lot. He ate dinner with Eva and Jonas every day, but they never pressured him to talk about what had happened again. And he did actually feel a little better, after getting it off his chest. But he missed Even.  
  
It didn't take him many days to realise how much he missed him. He saw him a few times, guarding the door. Once he tried smiling to him. Even didn't smile back.   
  
He knew Even was giving him time, and he appreciated it. Some nights he nearly called the other boy, just to take him up on his offer to talk, to help. His finger always hovered over the call-button for a few seconds, and then he would put down the phone.  
  
He needed a little more time.  
  
To process. To think. To accept what had almost happened to him in that OR. He went to the mandatory counselling sessions the hospital required him to go to. And then he continued going to the therapist every day. He had been speaking to her every day now since he started back at work.Only the first four days had been mandatory and she had cleared him for surgery on day one.  
  
They spent most of their time talking about how to process his feelings for Even. The feelings he thought had disappeared, but then had surfaced again when he had been in a life or death situation.  


 

 

 

  
“So you think you're only feeling this way about Even because you nearly died, and he was the one who saved your life?”  
  
“I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know or you don’t feel like talking about it?”  
  
“I.. I don’t know what I feel or what to say. I only know that the moment in that OR, with that gun pressed to my head, it won’t go away. I still can’t understand what happened. Why I didn't stop. Why I couldn't stop. The only thing I could do was keep working. And the only thing on my mind was Even.”  
  
“So when you were faced with the possibility of losing your life, you thought about Even?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Why do you think that is?”  
  
“I don’t know, you're the shrink, not me.”  
  
She laughed. “Isak. I can’t give you the answers you're looking for. Only you can feel what you feel. Only you can decide what’s right for you. All I can do is listen and ask you questions that will make you think. Help you find the answers, answers buried deep inside your mind.”  
  
“So you're telling me that I have to just keep thinking about this and then the answers will magically appear?”  
  
“Isak. I think you already know the answers you're looking for. You just don’t want to admit them to yourself.”  


“About Even? Maybe. About why I acted the way I did in that OR? No.”  
  
“Who was on the table Isak?”  
  
“Does that matter?”  
  
“I don’t know. You tell me.”  
  
“It was Jonah.”  
  
“And he is one of your coworkers?”  
  
“Yes. But his also a friend.”  
  
“And?”  
  
Isak took a deep breath. How could she know? Had Jonah told her? Probably not, he was still in the ICU at that other hospital. Wasn't scheduled for counselling for another two weeks. So she knew simply by just speaking to him now, by the few words he had said. “And I slept with him once.”  
  
“To get revenge on Even, for cheating on you.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“It was a one time thing?”  
  
“Yeah. I felt so… so wrong afterwards. So dirty. So awful.”  
  
“But Jonah didn’t.”  
  
“Jonah fell in love with me. And I broke his heart.”  
  
“And after breaking his heart you felt you had to save him.”  
  
“I-“ As she said the words, he realised how true that was. He felt like he owed Jonah something, just like he now felt like he owed Even his life. “I think you're right.”  
  
“You think that you owed Jonah. You were willing to save his life over yours because of this.”  
  
“That. And the fact that I realised that these guys would have just shot me anyway. By keep working, I could save his life at least.”  
  
“They could have just shot him after they shot you.”  
  
“I disconnected his monitors, making it look like he was already dead.”  
  
“So you managed to think rationally.”  
  
“I… i don’t know. All I know is that I almost died, and my boyfriend saved me. And I have felt for a year that I should have left him. I have been planning for a year how to leave him. And now I did. I left him. I left him after realising that I still love him. How fucked up is that? I realise that I’m not ready to give up on our relationship yet, and then I go and leave him at the same time.”  
  
“You said you did that because you needed time to think.”  
  
“Yeah. I needed to process what had happened to me that night. But I could have done that with Even. Instead of leaving him.”  
  
“You did what you felt was right for you at the time.”  
  
“I know. But he said something that night that I fear might be true.”  
  
“And that is?”  
  
“That we might not find our way back together if I left.”  
  
“Do you think he’s right?”  
  
“I’m not sure.”

 

 

 

 

 

_She was the picture of a Midwest sweetheart_

_Wrapped in a grace to make a good man come apart_

_She wrote my sirens song a tune with one dance_

_Then gave it words with just a glance_

 

 

 

 

 

Jonah got transferred back to their hospital. Isak visited him an hour after he had arrived, being stuck in a surgery when he came.   
  
As he entered the room Jonah smiled brightly at him. “My hero!” he said.  
  
Isak tried to smile back, but his smile faltered. “Jonah. How are you?” he asked, picking up the chart and looking through it. Looked like Jonah was recovering fast.  
  
“I’m alive. Thanks to you. I owe you my life, Isak.”  
  
Isak put down the chart. “You don’t owe me anything Jonah.”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“I used you.” he sat down next to Jonah. “I tried to get back at my boyfriend for cheating at me and I knew you were in love with me so I slept with you to get back at him. I used you and then I broke your heart. You don’t owe me anything.”  
  
“Isak. I slept with you willingly. I knew you had a boyfriend and I knew you would never pick me over him. Yes, you broke my heart but that was my own fault, because I shouldn't have let myself fall for you. You didn’t use me. No more than I used you.”  
  
Isak wanted to argue again, but he could see that Jonah would never let him win this argument. “Let’s just say were even then. And put this behind us.”  
  
“Which part? The sex or the almost dying?” Jonah joked.  
  
“Both.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
Then spent an hour talking about random stuff. They talked about how bored Jonah had been, Isak did a checkup on him and they talked a bit about Isak’s situation with Even. The moving out and the therapy sessions.  
  
“It will work out Isak. Either way.”  
  
“I don’t know Jonah. I think I’ve might have made a mistake.”  
  
“Nah. I don’t think so. If you two are meant for each other, you will find your way back. Just give it some time.”  
  
“Maybe. And I will.”

 

 

Isak got called into another surgery and had to leave Jonah. He promised to visit the next day.   
  
His patient was an older lady with a heart attack. She didn't make it. Luke told him that he shouldn't feel bad, that she were doomed before he even started, considering that no-one had called the ambulance until it was too late. Isak still felt like he had failed her.  
  
Just like he had failed Even. And himself. And his mother. He had failed at so much.  
  
But when he walked by Jonah’s room later, and saw the other boy sleeping, he reminded himself of all the people he had manage to save. All the people he hadn't failed. And he felt a little better.  
  


 

 

 

_I'm finally broken, falling too far_

_Burned up in pieces from chasing your stars_

_With twilight approaching all that I've seen_

_I could never get over what you've done to me_

 

 

 

“Dr. Valtersen to OR 5.”  
  
He cursed. He had not been in OR 5 since that day. But he went none the less. He scrubbed and walked in. “What’s going on?”  
  
“GSW to the chest.”  
  
And just like that, he was back to that day, in this or, a gun pushed to his head and a patient, _Jonah_ , bleeding out beneath his hands. His heart started beating faster, he felt like he couldn't breathe properly.   


 

  
“Dr. Valtersen.” a voice pulled him out of his thoughts.  
  
“GSW?” he questioned, his voice nearly failing him. _Please don’t be another attack, please don’t be another attack._  
  
“Hunting accident. Patient is 16. Bullet is close to the heart. Vitals falling quickly.”

 

And just like that, Isak managed to shake the feeling of panic, of horror, and focus on the task at hand. His heart rate slowed down.  
  
He worked quickly and managed to get the bullet out. The bullet was another type than the ones he had removed from all those people that day. It was a bullet for hunting deers. Not people. And this was an accident. Not done on purpose.  
  
He saved the life of the 16 year old boy. He wouldn't be out of the woods yet, they still needed to monitor him in the ICU and Isak needed to stay on call seeing as they didn't exactly have another cardio doctor anymore. He was the only cardio-surgeon that had survived.   
  
They were trying to employ more, but there wasn't exactly many in Norway to begin with. So they were trying to get some from other countries. But they hadn't been able to find anyone yet.  
  
Isak didn't mind the extra work. He had good residents on his service so they helped out a lot with checkups and simple procedures. The on-call room at the hospital had nice beds. The cantina offered nice food. And he didn't have to go home every night and watch the sympathy on Jonas’ and Eva’s faces.  
  
He went home every third or fourth day. He ate dinner with them and watched TV and talked about work and how they still hadn't found out who was responsible. Eva was worried about him being in the hospital all the time.  
  
“Eva. There is military personnel at every entrance with guns. I think the hospital might be the safest place for me to be right now.”  
  
“Maybe. I just don’t like it. You nearly died there.”  
  
“All the more reason to be there more. To work through what happened and overcome it.”  
  
“Have you spoken with Even, since you moved out?”  
  
“No.” he just shook his head. He didn't want to have this conversation now. He had talked with his therapist about this earlier today. About talking to Even. Taking a step forwards, towards fixing it.  
  
But she surprised him. “It’s okay Isak. It’s okay to take time.” she said.  
  
He managed a weak smile at her. “I know. I’m working on it. I’m getting there.”  
  


 

_I thought that love was just a song we made up_

_Some kind of chant to make us strong_

_But when she left me with a word_

_I knew that I had never been so wrong_

 

 

  
  
One day he came home after a long shift and found Eva and Jonas in the living room, watching tv, horrified looks on their faces. He walked in. “What’s going on?” he asked. He turned toward the tv. The news were on.  
  
“… they have reported three dead and five abducted. The families of the soldiers will be notified.” a voice said as they showed pictures from Afghanistan. Just the camp, and a lady who interviewed a man. Isak recognised him as the military minister.  
  
On the bottom of the screen, it read “NORWEGIAN SOLDIERS TOOK DOWN TERRORIST GROUP”  
  
“… the convoy was target and hit on their way back. At this point we don’t know anything else.” the military minister was talking.  
  
Isak turned back to Jonas and Eva. Took in their faces. Tried to figure out why they looked so horrified. Then it clicked. Even was a trained special forces soldier. He had been part of a special ops group, but requested a transfer to the kings guard because that meant he could get a normal life with Isak instead of having to travel to war zones.   
  
He hadn't seen Even outside the hospital for a few days.   
  
Even was part of that convoy.   
  
Even was possibly dead or abducted. His Even.  
  
“Even… Is he- did he- oh my god!”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“No, I can’t- this can’t be happening, this isn't possible, no-”  
  
“Isak, are you still listed as an emergency contact for Even?” Eva asked him.  
  
“I don’t know!” He almost yelled. He probably wasn’t. He couldn't remember if he ever had been. Hadn't he signed a paper? Or maybe not. He couldn't remember.  
  
“Then they will call his mother. And she will call you. And since she haven’t, he’s probably safe.” Eva said, trying to console him. It didn’t help.   
  
Isak fell to his knees. Even. Even had gone to another continent to fight a war. Without telling him. Without saying goodbye. And now Isak might never see him again.  
  
He should have just stayed with Even. They could have worked this out. Love concours all. Isak believed in that. Why had he left Even?  
  
“Isak?” Eva was next to him, arms around his shoulders. “Isak, Even is probably fine. We have to believe he is fine.”  
  
“Did you know?” he whispered.   
  
“What?” Eva said.  
  
He looked up at them. “Did you know that he went down there?” He looked from Eva to Jonas.  
  
He could see Jonas squirm. Like he wanted to lie but knew he couldn’t. “Yeah. I knew.”  
  
“And you didn't tell me?” Isak couldn't help the way his voice broke, the betrayal in it obvious.  
  
“He told me not to.” Jonas said quietly.   
  
Isak looked back down at the floor. Tried to make sense of this. If Even had went down two days ago, how long had Jonas kept this from him? There was four days since he last was ‘home’. Had Jonas and Eva been lying to him, keeping this from him last time he was home? 

 

“How long before he left did he tell you?” he whispered. _Would there have been time for a goodbye?_  
  
“Twelve minutes.”   
  
And then Isak was sobbing. Even had done this on the spur of a moment. Was it mania? Or was it depression, guilt? He bet on the latter. He knew Even was feel guilty because of how he had acted the past year. And Isak hadn't been ready to forgive him. But now he wished he had. Because then he would have had another two weeks with Even at least. Might have been able to talk him out of going to Afghanistan.   
  
He had to know. He had to know if Even was dead. He pulled out his phone, and called Even’s mother, his hands shaking.   
  
“Hello Isak.”  
  
“Did you get a call?” he just asked, voice shaking, he was still crying. She probably knew already, he knew she and her husband watched the news. She probably had known that Even was going as well.  
  
“No.” she sounded like she was crying too. “Not yet.” she added.  
  
Isak just broke down sobbing again.. He dropped his phone, and collapsed in Eva’s arms. And cried and cried and cried. And the pain in his chest never lessened. 

 

 

 

_Finally broken, falling too far_

_Burned up in pieces from chasing your stars_

_With twilight approaching all that I've seen_

_I could never get over what you've done to me_

 

 

 

He called in sick the next day and just curled up in his bed, phone in hand, waiting for a call from Even’s parents. Or the military. Apparently he was still on Even’s emergency contact list according to Even’s mother. He was waiting for a call that would change his life forever. A call that would ruin him.   
  
Yes. Even had cheated on him. And that hurt, a lot. But he knew that Even had been hurting too. He knew that he hadn't treated Even well. Just like Even hadn't treated him well. They had treated each other like shit, and they were both to blame.  
  
And now they might never get a chance to make it right again. They would never have a life together. Never get married. Never adopt a child. Never grow old together.  
  
No matter how much pain Even had caused him, he loved him. With his whole heart. And he was willing to forgive him now, he had realised. He had realised during those first few talks with the therapist. He had just waited, taking some time.  
  
But now it might be too late. Even might have been killed, trying to take down the people who attacked Isak’s work-place. The people who almost killed Isak. Even had gone to a war zone to try and make up for what he did to Isak. And now it might have gotten him killed.  
  
  
His phone rang. Even’s mother’s name was on the screen. His hand were shaking as he picked it up.  


  
“Hello?”

 

 

 

 

_I'm finally broken, falling too far_

_Burned up in pieces from chasing your stars_

_With twilight approaching all that I've seen_

_I could never get over what you've done to me_


	7. HEROES

  
  
  
_Don't tell the gods I left a mess_

_I can't undo what has been done_

_Let's run for cover_

_What if I'm the only hero left_

_You better fire off your gun_

_Once and forever_

_He said go dry your eyes_

_And live your life like there is no tomorrow, son_

_And tell the others_

_To go sing it like a hummingbird_

_The greatest anthem ever heard_

 

 

 

 

EVEN’S POV  
  
  
  
When Even regained consciousness, there was a loud ringing noise in his ears and it took him a few tries to open his eyes. When he finally did, he looked straight into Robert’s face. He was dead. So was the driver.   
  
Even unbuckled himself, grabbed his gun and got out of the car. There had initially been six cars. Now there were two, the rest were gone. He walked over to the other car. It had tilted, and were on it’s side. Their team leader was in there, as well as one other soldier. “Næsheim. They took the others.” the team leader said.  
  
Even helped him and the other soldier out, and looked for injuries. There was none. None visible at least. “Who took them sir? And are any of you hurt?”  
  
“Broken ribs I guess. The terrorists. They took two of the cars. The last two returned to base, per my instructions. I told them to keep going. But car number three and four didn't make it and got overtaken. They have six of our men. We only survived by playing dead. I guess you did the same?”  
  
Even shook his head. “Passed out from the blow.”  
  
“We’ll be picked up by backup soon. But until then we are sitting ducks here. You think you could help me over to that hill? We can seek cover behind it.”  
  
Even nodded, and he and the other soldier, Solheim, helped the team leader. When they sat down, Even gripped his weapon tight and scanned the horizon for incoming vehicles. He saw none.   
  
  
They waited for almost an hour before a chopper came and picked them up. When they arrived back at base, Even refused the offer to shower and eat before speaking to the top of command. So did the team leader, Hansen. Solheim went straight to medical, claiming he had a headache and wanted to be sure it wasn't a concussion.   
  
“What’s the status?” Even asked as he and Hansen entered the tent of the commander.   
  
“Good to see you're alive Næsheim, Hansen.” he answered. “Situation is that they have abducted six of our special ops soldiers. We know they are trained to not break and spill intel, but we are going on a rescue mission none the less. We have three dead soldiers and four wounded. I can see you need medical attention Hansen. Are you injured Næsheim?”  
  
“Negative. When are we moving out?”  
  
“At first light. 0500. Get a shower, eat a good meal and sleep. We need you sharp and ready tomorrow. If anyone can help us save them it will be you.”  
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“You were top of your class in everything, from tracking to sniping to extractions. And with most of the team out, I need someone with your skill set to pull this off. Are you up for it?”  
  
Even just nodded, and when they were dismissed, he escorted Hansen to the medical wing before hitting the showers. Letting the warm water flowing down his body, he thought of his parents. Isak. They would probably know by now that there had been an attack. But he couldn't contact them now. It could compromise the mission.  
  
He fell asleep ridden with guilt, guilt for the fear they must be feeling right now.   
  
But saving those six people were more important right now. And telling them he was alive now just for them to get a message that he died the next day would be cruel. Because he might die tomorrow.  
  
And if he did, he deserved it. 

 

 

 

 

_We are the heroes of our time_

_But we're dancing with the demons in our minds_

_We are the heroes of our time_

_But we're dancing with the demons in our minds_

 

 

 

 

He couldn't stomach any food the next morning, so he just got dressed, took his medication and got ready. He knew the medication made his mind a little fuzzy, but it made him more rational than a manic episode. With that in mind, he took a few extra dosages with him, just in case… 

 

 

He checked his wristwatch. It was 04.45. He went over to the commander’s tent for instructions.   
  
“We have trackers on three of the soldiers they abducted.”  
  
“Trackers? Don’t you think they will just remove those?”  
  
“Chips. Like the one’s you put in the neck of a dog so you can ID it. They are chipped, on the inside of their upper arms, where it’s disguised. Only our kind of chips monitor vitals and sends out an GPS signal. So we know that at least three of them are still alive. And we know where they are.” another soldier from the special ops team explained. Even was pretty sure his uniform read LUNDE, which meant that was the guy’s last name.  
  
“Oh.” was all Even had to say.  
  
“Næsheim. I won’t force you to wear one. But for your safety I suggest one. Especially if you are planning on staying in the special ops group after this mission.”  
  
“I am.” Even answered, without thinking twice. “You can chip me.”  
  
He had been thinking about it for a little while now. Ever since he boarded that flight to come down here. He wanted to stay in the special ops group. He was good at this, as he told his mother. This was something Even was good at. And without Isak, he had no reason to stay in Oslo.  
  
He got escorted into the medical tent, and after a local anaesthesia, they put the chip on the inside of his upper arm. Then he went out and joined the rest of the team in the SUV’s.  
  
He didn't introduce himself now, didn't ask for their first names. It would only make it harder if any of them died. They rode in silence, and stopped three miles away from the location.   
  
They were going on foot the rest of the distance, trying to get in undetected. So they moved slow, taking every precaution. Their instructions were to prioritise getting out the hostages first, taking down the terrorists second. 

 

 

 

 

 

_We are the heroes of our time_

_But we're dancing with the demons in our minds_

 

 

_The crickets sing a song for you_

_Don't say a word, don't make a sound_

_It's life's creation_

_I make worms turn into butterflies_

_Wake up and turn this world around_

_In appreciation_

_He said I never left your side_

_When you were lost I followed right behind_

_Was your foundation_

_Now go sing it like a hummingbird_

_The greatest anthem ever heard_

_Now sing together_

 

 

 

 

They managed to get five of six soldiers out. The terrorists shot one as they breached the doors. They got almost all of the terrorists as well. They had to shoot most of them, but they managed to capture five. Seven escaped.  
  
They returned to base, and handed their prisoners over to another unit, who were both trained in interrogation and spoke the native language.   
  
“Næsheim. Nice work.” the commander said.  
  
“We didn't get them all.”  
  
“No. But at this point we don’t know where to look for them. We just have to wait and see if they show up again.”  
  
“They will.”  
  
“Probably yes. But there is no knowing when. You can go home if you desire Næsheim.”  
  
“I have nothing to go home for. I’m staying, Sir.”  
  
“Very well. You think you can assist one of our evacuation groups tomorrow? Just be a guard on the convoy driving the dead and wounded to the airstrip.”  
  
“Of course sir.”  
  
“Excellent. Go and eat dinner with the rest of the camp. Get some rest. You’ve more than earned it.”  
  
And as Even left the tent, he felt himself smiling. He had made a difference these past days. He had accomplished something. He felt like he had a purpose. He felt useful.   
  
He didn't feel numb or empty or like a failure.  
  
He might be in a war zone, but he hadn't felt this good in a long while. 

 

That night, for the first time since he arrived at the camp, he turned his phone back on. There were missing calls from his parents, coworkers back home, Jonas and Isak.   
  
He had cleared it with his boss, he were allowed to tell his family that he was alive now that all the soldiers were rescued.  
  
He pushed the button and his mother answered on the first ring.  
  
“Even!” she sounded like she was crying.  
  
“Mom, I’m fine.”  
  
“Even. People died. You could have died. Oh my god-“ she was sobbing for a full minute before speaking again. “Please tell me you're coming home.”  
  
“I’m not.”  
  
“Even!”  
  
“The mission isn't completed. And I’ve decided to transfer back into the special ops.”  
  
“Because of Isak?”  
  
“Because this is were I belong. Where I make a difference. Where I feel at home. And yes, without Isak I don’t have any reason to stay in Oslo.”  
  
“You have us. Your parents. Your siblings. Your family.”  
  
“And I will come home and see you from time to time.”  
  
“Even-“  
  
“Mom, I need to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow.”  
  
“I love you Even.”  
  
“I love you too mom.”  
  


 

_We are the heroes of our time_

_But we're dancing with the demons in our minds_

_We are the heroes_

 

_We keep dancing with the demons_

_You could be a hero_

 

 

 

 

Watching the plane taking of the next morning, Even cried. He cried for the people who had died. He cried for the life he had now decided to leave behind. He cried for his ruined relationship. He cried because he wouldn't see his mother for a long while. He cried for how badly he had treated Isak. And he cried because he would never be able to fix their relationship. If it had been a small chance before, it was gone now.  
  
Even had chosen this. He had chosen this life. He had chosen a place where he felt like he had meaning, purpose, made a difference. So he let himself cry for a few minutes, and then he dried the tears.

  
  
When he got back to camp, he used the day to train, relax and socialise a bit with the people he would work with for the next few months. He had earlier decided not to get close to anyone down here, but he decided he could be friendly with them after all. He was going to feel like shit if they died whether he knew them personally or not.  
  
People need people.  
  
As he say down next to the guys he had heard would be part of his team, he said “Hi. I’m Even.”  
  
They all nodded. “New guy on our team.” one said.  
  
“Heard you were top of your class and got offered a spot on this team two years ago and chose to transfer to the kings guard.”  
  
Even shrugged. “Wanted a normal life with my boyfriend.”  
  
“You’re gay? I never would have guessed.” the guy didn't point it out like a bad thing, more like he was impressed by how manly Even appeared.   
  
“Pansexual actually.” he just corrected him and took a sip of his water bottle. “So what do you guys do around here when you're not out risking your lives?”  
  
“We play cards. Talk about girls. Play football. Train. Eat. Sleep. And wait.”  
  
“Sounds good to me.” Even smiled, and they all laughed.  
  
He could get along with these people. They were cool.

 

 

-

 

 

He called his therapist that night, telling her he wouldn't be coming to her for a while. He promised to talk to one of the therapists down here if he needed too.  
  
“Why are you doing this Even?”

  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“What is your reason for staying?”  
  
“I-“  
  
“Is it to punish yourself for being a bad boyfriend to Isak? Is that it?”  
  
“I-“  
  
“Because then I would suggest you come home right away.”  
  
“It’s not.”  
  
“Is that so?”  
  
“I feel like belong here. I feel like I’m useful. I feel like a hero.”  
  
“And that is a good feeling. It’s better then you have been in months Even.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“But I’m still worried. You made this decision in the spur of a moment. You didn't think it though, talk it out with me or anyone else.”  
  
“I decided to do it because it felt right. I thought about it, and for the first time in a long time, I knew what I wanted to do and what felt right. So I decided. On the spur of the moment perhaps. But I just knew. I knew it was right.”  
  
“I know Even. But I still worry. Maybe you could call me once a week, and we’ll do our sessions over the phone? Just in case. And you're still taking your medication?”  
  
“Yes. Every day.”  
  
“Good. Call me in a week, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“And Even?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Be careful down there. It is after all a war zone.”  
  
“I know. And I will. I promise.”  
  
-  
  
After a few days of the card playing, girl talking, football playing and training, he realised he liked them a lot. They were like the friends he never had back at his old job. Sure, people there had been nice to him as well. But he felt more accepted here, more at home.  
  
When they sat down at dinner one day, he decided he needed them to know more about him. Not just because he wanted to test if they really liked him or not, but because it could affect them all.  
  
“I have to tell you something.”  
  
“We already know you're partly gay, what other mysterious secrets do you have?” one of the boys, Lukas, smiled.  
  
“I’m bipolar.”  
  
“And?” Another one asked. Aleksander, was his first name. Even had initially decided to not learn anyone’s first name. But he quickly abandoned that. These guys were his friends. He would mourn them no matter if he knew their first names or not at this point.  
  
“And it could affect you guys. If I go of the rails.”  
  
“You get medication don’t you?” Simon said, shrugging, taking another bite of his dinner.  
  
“Sometimes in the past it has stopped working. It works fine now, has for years, but I can never be 100% sure that an episode won’t happen.”  
  
“Well, then we will just have to keep an eye out for your crazy then I guess.” Lukas smiled.  
  
“You’re okay with this? Just like that?” Even was baffled, to say the least.  
  
“Even. You're a really good sniper, a decent card and football player and a genuinely cool guy to be around. The fact that you're bipolar and pansexual doesn't change that. And from the rumours I’ve heard, we’re fucking lucky to have you on our team. We all have baggage. We all accept each other here. As long as you’ll have my back out there when we’re fighting those bastards, I’ll have yours. Okay?” Aleksander said, then nodded at him. “Eat your dinner. We’re going for a run around camp later. You need your strength.”  
  
And just like that, Even knew this had been the right choice for him. Staying here. Instead of going back home where they all viewed him as the crazy screwup guy who treated his boyfriend like shit, he got to stay here with people who didn't think of him as different or weird or a fuck up. Granted, they didn't know about the part where he treated Isak badly.   
  
They might view him differently if they learned about that.  
  
-

 

The moment when they figured out came sooner than Even had anticipated. He was running next to Aleksander as they ran around camp.   
  
“So, you said you chose the kings guard to stay with your boyfriend?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“What changed?”  
  
Everything, he wanted to say. “It’s a rather long story.” he said instead.  
  
“We have a long run ahead.”  
  
So Even told him. About Isak’s mother dying and the distance that grew between them and the part where he started cheating, in hopes of feeling something, anything. He told him everything, up to the point of the attack on the hospital and Isak almost dying. The feeling returning. But also how he felt it was too late for them. And how he felt so much better after coming down here, getting out of that situation.  
  
Aleksander stayed quiet through his whole explanation. Even anticipated that he would either just stay quiet and then stop talking to him at all, or tell him what an awful person he was. But Aleksander did neither. “I won’t tell you cheating is okay, but I know how that is, the desperation to feel something. Anything. I turned to drugs. Overdosed. Was a real eye opener. So I started searching for a meaning in my life. I applied to the military. Barely made the requirements. But I did. And I kept working to be better. Working out, eating right, becoming the best version of myself that I could be. And then they asked if I wanted to join this squad.” he laughed. “It was two years ago. They picked me because the person they originally wanted declined the job. That person was probably you.”  
  
“Well, then I’m glad I declined, because you're an excellent soldier.”  
  
“And so are you. An even better one, actually, seeing as you're a sniper and I’m not good enough to be one.” Aleksander said, and turned his head to him. “Even. You've made some bad choices in life. So have I. So have a lot of people. Doesn't mean you're a bad person. If you want Isak back, fight for him. If you don’t, make sure he knows you want to move on so he can to. But do it face to face. Wait until you go home in two months. Use the next two months to make up your mind, to figure out what you want. And then tell him. And if you chose to fight for your relationship, make things right. Make it up to him.”  
  
“You’re the first person who have given me any kind of helpful advice instead of telling me I’m a dick.”  
  
“What good would calling you a dick do? It won’t help you change things.”  
  
“True.”  
  
“And like I said, I know how it is to hit rock bottom.”  
  
Even stayed quiet for a while. Debated what to say, debated if he should say anything more. And then it just came to him. He just knew what to say.   
  
“You know what they say about hitting rock bottom. The only way you can go from there is up.”  
  
“That is very true Even. How about we climb together?”  
  
“I’d like that. And if you want to, I could probably help you practice firing a sniper rifle.”  
  
Aleksander just laughed in response, and Even heard Simon yell ‘good luck with learning that moron anything!’.   
  
“I’ll take that as a challenge!” he yelled back, before he smirked at Aleksander, and after the laugher died down, they ran in silence.  
  
  
Even missed Isak. But this was where he was meant to be. Where he belonged. 

 

 

 

 

_Now go sing it like a hummingbird_

_The greatest anthem ever heard_

_Now sing together_

 

_We are the heroes of our time_

_But we're dancing with the demons in our minds_

_We are the heroes of our time_

_But we're dancing with the demons in our minds_

 

 

_We are the heroes_


	8. BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT

 

 

 

 

 

  
_Breathe in, breathe out,_

_Tell me all of your doubts,_

_& Everybody bleeds this way,_

_Just the same._

 

 

 

ISAK’S POV

 

  
  
“He’s alive.” hearing Even’s mother say those words was such a relief.   
  
“He’s not dead?” Isak asked breathlessly.  
  
“No Isak. He’s not dead.” she sounded sad. She sounded like she was keeping something from him.

  
“Is he hurt?” he asked, voice trembling.  
  
“No.”  
  
If he was alive, and not hurt, he wasn't abducted either, so what was it? What was going on? Isak was afraid to ask her. Because he had a feeling he already knew. He asked anyway. “Then what? What is it?”  
  
“He decided to transfer. He’s staying down there. He transferred from the kings guard to the special ops. He decided to stay in a war zone.” she sniffled.   
  
“Why? Why the fuck would he do something that stupid and reckless?”  
  
“My best guess is because of you. But he kept telling me he felt like he had a purpose down there. So I don’t know. All I know that is for now, today, he is safe. But I’ll have to worry about him for the next three months.”  
  
“I-“ Isak stuttered. “I don’t know what to say.” He understood what she said, about having a purpose. He knew that feeling. He felt it, every time he walked into an OR, every time a patient left he hospital alive, with their family, their loved ones. But why did Even have to go to a war zone to have a purpose? Why had he chose the most dangerous thing he possibly could do?  
  
“Me either Isak.”   
  
  
When they hung up, he tried calling Even. He didn't even think, he just called. It went to voicemail. He tried three more times. Only voicemail.  
  
He sent a text, asking Even to call him.   
  
  
He never did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Breathe in, breathe out,_

_Move on and break down,_

_If everyone goes away i will stay.  
_

 

 

_  
_

It went four months before they heard anything more. The guards disappeared from the hospital and the news reported that the terrorist group behind the attack had been taken down.   
  
Life went back to normal.   
  
Only he didn't have Even to go home to every day. So it wasn't really normal. But then again, had his life ever been normal? Well, yes. Those first years when he and Even were together and things were good. Things had been normal then.  
  
He stayed with Eva and Jonas. He didn't feel like moving back to the apartment, despite knowing Even wasn't there. He couldn't be there alone, without Even. He just wasn't ready. Jonas and Eva didn't press the issue either.  
  
When he asked them if he was a burden, they only shook their heads. When he asked if he could do anything to pay them back, they asked if he could watch Silje one night so they could go see a movie.  
  
Spending the night with the baby made him think.  
  
He wanted this life. He wanted to come home to a husband and a baby. And he wanted that husband to be Even. _He has decided to transfer.  
_  
He couldn't understand why Even had chosen to transfer, to stay in a war zone for three months. At least not now. They needed to talk. He knew he had asked for time, but now he was ready to talk. And Even wouldn't even answer his calls.  
  
He knew that Even talked with his mother almost every day. So it was only Isak he was ignoring. Isak asked if she could ask Even about it. She said she would. Even had told her “because we need to have that talk in person”. And to butt out, like he was angry about her asking.  
  
So Isak was quite sure Even would break up with him. He found it ironic. He had been the one wanting a breakup for months. Now, when he had realised that he didn't want to break up, that he wanted to work on their relationship, get past this, it seemed like Even had decided he wanted to break up with Isak.  
  
The irony didn't escape him. A near death experience made Isak want to work on things and made Even want to end things.  
  
He knew Even missed the excitement. He had after all served a year with the special ops, and Isak knew he missed it. He knew he found working in the kings guard a bit dull. He knew Even only requested the transfer to be with Isak.  
  
So the reason for him to request a transfer now must be because he intended to break up with Isak.  
  
  
Isak didn't go to the therapist every day now. He went once a week. And today he had an appointment.   
  
They were fifteen minutes into the session and he hadn't managed a single word.  
  
“Isak. What is wrong?” She asked at last.  
  
And then he broke down, tears building up in his eyes. “He requested a transfer. Even requested a transfer back to the special ops squad. He’s staying in Afghanistan. He’s not coming home. And he won’t take my calls.”  
  
“And you think this means he’s not willing to work on your relationship, that he has decided to give up instead of trying to earn your forgiveness?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Would you have forgiven him?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“You didn't even hesitate. When we first talked about this you were in doubt.”  
  
“I…”  
  
“You have thought about it. What made you change your mind?”  
  
“I- I think it was when I learned he was in Afghanistan. When I realised that he might be dead. I realised that our relationship troubles didn't really matter. What mattered was that I love him and he loves me. Or loved me. I don’t know anymore.”  
  
“Have you talked to him?”  
  
“He won’t take my calls. When I got his mother to ask him about it, he only replied that we ‘needed to take that conversation face2face’. So I guess he’s going to break up with me. There is no other reason for him to not speak to me.”  
  
“Maybe he wants to talk about everything that has happened the past year?”  
  
“Maybe. But I don’t think so.”  
  
“How do you think you’ll feel, if he does indeed break up with you?”  
  
“I don’t know if I can survive it. I love him with my whole heart and soul. I want a life with him. I want us to work through our issues and I want us to stay together. He is my soulmate.”  
  
  
  
  


 

_We push and pull,_

_& I fall down sometimes,_

_I'm not letting go,_

_You hold the other line._

 

_Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes._

 

 

 

 

The days went by slowly. Isak spent most of his days at work. Accepted extra shifts despite them finally having more cardio surgeons again. He needed to preoccupy his mind with something other than the nightmares of the day in the OR and Even. Even breaking up with him.  
  
He knew it was inevitable. The day would come when Even would return home. And when he did, they would talk. And when they talked, Even would break up with him.  
  
It was ironic. Even had been the one cheating on Isak, but here Isak was, desperate to save their relationship. It was twisted.   
  
And he was slowly getting worse, he realised. The nightmares were more frequently. He jumped at loud noises. He couldn't sleep. He was on edge. He started taking medication, but they had to up his dosage a lot before it had any effect. Nearly to the point where he wouldn't be allowed to work.  
  
It was crazy, and ironic and twisted. A year ago he was perfectly fine, debating whether or not to dump his boyfriend. Now his boyfriend was the one who was fine, and dumping him.   
  
Isak had been fine with Even’s mental illness. He had learned how to cope, without controlling him. He had been happy when they had found medication that stopped Even’s dramatic ups and downs and let him lead a normal life.  
  
They had started with Even being the mentally fucked up one and Isak being the sane one. And now, in the light of what had happened the last few months and the probability of Even dumping him, the roles were reversed. It was fucked up.  
  
Jonas told him as much. Several times.  
  
“He treated you like shit.”  
  
“I love him.”  
  
“You’ll get over it. Find someone who's better. Who treats you right. If he doesn't want to fight for you, to be with you, then fuck him. He’s not worth your tears. He’s not worth your love. His not worth you hitting rock bottom like this.”  
  
“Don’t say that. You know how hard we had to fight to just be together. You know how much he sacrificed for me. You know how hard our lives have been, how fucked up he has been, how fucked up I have acted towards him in the past. You know he has been the one thing holding me together for years, helping me accept my mother, learn to be a better son to her. Just because he made a few mistakes doesn't mean he’s a bad person.”  
  
“Isak. Listen to yourself. You're defending the guy who cheated on you.”  
  
“I cheated on him too.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“With Jonah.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“To even the score, I guess.”  
  
“And how did that make you feel?”  
  
“Like trash. And if I know Even as well as I like to think I do, he feels the same way about cheating on me. And I know his bipolar played some role in what happened. Maybe not all. And I also learned from Even’s mother that Sonja have been manipulating him this past year. So yeah, Even did some bad stuff, but he is still worth my love. And he always will be.”  


 

  
—

 

 

  
  
“Dr. Valtersen! They need you for a consult in room 289.” a nurse told him. Isak groaned. He had been at work for 20 hours and all he wanted to do was sleep.   
  
He spent his every waking moment thinking about Even. Only when he slept he didn’t think of his boyfriend. And he missed him so much. Some nights he cried himself to sleep.   
  
“Fine.” he answered the nurse, and headed towards room 289. As he opened the door, he realised why the room number had sounded familiar. Jonah.   
  
He looked horrible, the monitor showing his heart beating unevenly and he was gasping for breath.  
  
“Valtersen. I think we need to do an emergency heart transplant. His heart is giving up.” one of his coworkers on the cardio department said. Isak didn't even look at him, he only focused on Jonah. Took a quick check. His coworker was right. Jonah needed a transplant, and he needed it now.  
  
“Do we have a compatible donor?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Then prep an OR.”  
  
“Shall you do this or I?” his coworker asked warily.   
  
Isak felt Jonah grab his hand. Saw the frightened look on his face. “I’ll do it.” Isak said.  
  
—-  
  
As he was scrubbing, he asked his coworker what had happened, why they hadn't seen this coming. Why hadn't they monitored him better?  
  
Then he realised it was his own fault. He had been the lead surgeon on this case, and it had been his job to order the right tests and make them to checkups.  
  
—  
  
Jonah almost died. His heart stopped on the way to the OR, and they almost wasn't able to get the new heart to start pumping.   
  
But they did. And Jonah survived. And Isak spent the night in a chair in the corner of his room. He nodded off for a few hours, but forced himself to stay awake after that, watching Jonah.  
  
Why couldn't he just love Jonah? He knew it would be easier. He knew Jonah would never hurt him like Even had. Jonah would probably never cheat. Jonah wasn't bipolar.  
  
But he also wasn't Even.

  
He wasn't in love with Jonah, because he was in love with Even. Regardless of his flaws. Isak accepted them all.  
  
When Jonah woke up, he was smiling at Isak. Thanking him again. It tasted bitter. Isak checked up on him for another few days, before he just transferred the case to one of his coworkers. It was too painful right now. Knowing he had almost been responsible for Jonah dying. Jonah, the person who loved him, but who Isak was unable to love back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Hold on hold tight,_

_From out of your sight,_

_If everything keeps moving on, moving on,_

_Hold on hold tight,_

_Make it through another night,_

_& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,_

_We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,_

_I'm not letting go,_

_You hold the other line.  
  
  
  
_

The week before Even was scheduled to arrive home, Isak was so on edge he had to take the week off from work. He had to up his dosage of anti anxiety medication to a point where he couldn't work, couldn't keep a clear head. He was a wreck. He knew Even was going to break up with him when he came home, and he knew he couldn't survive it. Not now.   
  
His past therapy session, he realised he still wasn't over that day in the OR. The near death experience. He still had nightmares and whenever someone mentioned it, he started to panic.

  
The irony of this didn't escape him either. Him needing drugs and therapy. The very things he had mocked about his mother when he was younger. The very things he had made fun of that had nearly cost him his relationship with Even. He had learn to accept and handle both his mother and Even. He had never imagined he would have any mental problems of his own.  
  
Then again, he had never imagined he would be held at gunpoint in a Norwegian hospital. So he popped a few more pills and got ready for the day.   
  
Tomorrow. Even would come home tomorrow.  
  
He was having dinner with Even’s parents tonight. He wasn't sure if he looked forwards to it or not.  
  
All the years they had been dating, Even’s parents had been like a second family to him. Isak loved them. And if Even decided to break up with him, he would lose them.  
  
  
-

 

 

“How are you sweetie?” Even’s mother greeted him when she opened the door.   
  
Isak shrugged, then shook his head. “Terrible, to be honest.” he knew that if anyone would understand his mental problem, it would be Even’s parents.  
  
“What’s going on?”  
  
“PTSD, the therapist guessed. I don’t know. I just, I can’t sleep, I jump at loud noises, I have nightmare and they give me so high dosages of sedatives now that a normal person would fall asleep and stay asleep for a week.”  
  
“I thought you got over that… episode at the hospital?”  
  
“No. I thought so too, but right now things are spiralling down for me. I think the upcoming date of Even’s homecoming might have triggered it.” he admitted, embarrassed.   
  
“You don’t want him to come home?” Even’s mother asked.  
  
“I do.”  
  
“Then why does it trigger you?”  
  
“He’s going to break up with me.”  
  
“Honey. You don’t know that.”  
  
“I do. I can feel it. I just know it. And it’s ironic, that he’s the one dumping me and I’m the one desperate to save our relationship after everything that happened, but I love him. So so much.”  
  
“Oh Isak.” He was crying at this point, so she pulled him into a hug. “I can’t tell you what he’s going to do, because I have no idea myself. Even makes up his mind and none of us can change it. It’s how he is. How he acts. How he deals. And we just have to accept that. But I want you to know one thing Isak; No matter what happens between you and Even, you will always be welcome here. We will always be part of your family, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Now, let’s eat.”  
  
  
They sat down by the table, and talked about lighter subjects. Like the weather and funny stories from Even’s dad’s workplace. Isak could feel himself relax, at least a little bit.  
  
When it was time for him to leave, Even’s mother hugged him tight again.   
  
“I will make sure he talks to you tomorrow. He has made you wait far too long already. And I will try to whip some sense into him.”  
  
“You don’t have to do that. But I appreciate your care. Like you said earlier, when Even makes up his mind, no-one and nothing can change it.”  
  
“I love you Isak. Take care.”  
  
“You too, Mrs. Bech-Næsheim.”  
  
  
  
When he crawled into bed that night, he checked his phone one last time before going to sleep. There was a message from Even. His hands trembled as he opened it, his heart racing and his whole body shaking.  
  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Landing around noon tomorrow. Meet me at the apartment at 2 pm?  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Okay.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Sorry I haven't answered before. I just felt like we needed to talk in person. How are you?  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Horrible. We can talk tomorrow. Goodnight.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Goodnight Isak.  
  
  
  
  


 

_  
  
Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes._

_There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes._

 

_Breathe in, and breathe out._

_Breathe in, and breathe out._

_Breathe in, and breathe out._

_Breathe in, and breathe out._

 

_Look left look right,_

_To the moon in the night._

_& everything under the stars is in your arms._

 

_Cause there is a light, in your eyes in your eyes._

_There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes._


	9. RUNNING TO THE SEA

 

 

_I could hear them howling from afar_

_I saw them rushing to your car_

_In a moment all went screaming wild_

_Until the darkness killed the light_

 

 

  
EVEN'S POV

 

 

 

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
And I told you to be patient

And I told you to be fine

And I told you to be balanced

And I told you to be kind

And now all your love is wasted?

Then who the hell was I?

 

 

 

  
  
He kept re-reading the text. And all the other texts Isak had sent him these past months. Begging Even to answer him. He had decided to not reply. He knew if he started replying now, they would end up talking about their relationship and where to go form here. And that was a talk they needed to have in person, face to face.   
  
So he dodged the calls and left the messages unanswered. His mother asked him a few times about it. He told her he needed to speak to Isak in person, and once or twice he told her to butt out as well. Might a bit harshly. But this was between him and Isak.  
  
-  
  
His team started helping out with evacuations. It was dangerous, but since they were special ops and Even was a sniper, he wasn't down in the streets. He was looking out for the teams down in the street, and Aleksander was watching his back.  
  
They didn't talk much, most days they just focused on their tasks in silence.  
  
“Do you have anyone home, waiting for you?” Even asked Alexander.  
  
“Nah. My parents died in a car crash when I was young. My grandparents raised me, but they passed.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“Don’t be.”  
  
The silence resumed. Even saw a potential situation and told the evacuation team to hold it until he was sure they were clear. He saw a terrorist with a gun, aiming at the group. He didn't even need to think, he just pulled the trigger. He gave it a minute, waiting for any more guys to show up. But they were clear. “All clear guys.” he said into the intercom.  
  
“Are you going to make things right with Isak?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“So you're staying in Norway then?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“But you just said-“  
  
“I said I would make things right. I’m going back down here after a month home. I staying on this team. And I’m breaking up with Isak. He deserves to find someone great, someone who's worthy of his love. Someone who won’t cheat on him and betray him.”  
  
“Even. I don’t know him, but from how you describes him, he sounds like your soulmate. Don’t throw that away.”  
  
“If he is my soulmate we will find our way back together later. But right now, we can’t be together. I want to be here, and I want him to have a happy, normal life. I don’t want him sitting at home worrying about me and I don’t want to give up on this job. When I go home I will go and talk to him, we will talk through everything, and I will break up with him - unless he beats me to the punch. Which I hope he does - I deserve it.”  
  
“Even. Please stop talking shit about yourself.”  
  
“But it’s all true.”  
  
“No. Or yeah, you cheated and that is bad, but you're a genuinely good guy and you deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve a second chance with Isak.”  
  
“Maybe. But not now. Not yet.” he adjusted his rifle-sight a bit. “Group 3-2-5, hold it. I see movement on the roof.”  
  
“If they are armed, you have permission to fire, Hawk-eye.” Even always smiled at the nickname they gave the snipers. Hawk-eye. Eagle-eye. Etc. “You have a visual?”  
  
“Negative.” he could see a group of people, but they looked unarmed.  
  
“Can we proceed?”  
  
“Affirmative. But carefully.”  
  
“Roger that.”  
  
The people on the roof turned out to be harmless. This time.  
  
When the sun went down and the packed up their stuff and made their way down to leave, Aleksander patted him on the shoulder. “You’re a better person than you think Even. Never think you're less than amazing, okay?”  
  
Even just smiled at him. “Thank you.”  


 

 

 

 

_I remember running to the sea_

_The burning houses and the trees_

_I remember running to the sea_

_Alone and blinded by the fear_

 

 

 

Some days Even spent thinking about the earlier days. The days of Even and Isak. The days of puppy love and happiness.   


 

  
_“Only you can feel what you feel.”_

_  
“I haven’t felt anything… like this… ever.”  
_

_“Me neither”  
_

_“This song though?”  
_

_“Huh?”  
_

_“Gabrielle.”  
_

_“Are you kidding me?”  
_

_“No.”  
_

_“Oh my god, this is a fucking hashtag. Wtf?”  
_

_“What?”  
_

_“When you've found the man of your life, and it turns out he listens to Gabrielle”  
_

_“Am I! the man of your life? Or? Are you talking about me?”  
_

_“That’s how the hashtag goes! You know that!”  
_

_“But you said I was the man of your life”  
_

_“Say it again.”  
_

_“Hmm.”  
_

_“Say it again”.  
_

_“You’re the man of my life”.  
_

_“It’s shit.”  
  
“You can dance!”  
  
“No.”  
_

_“You make me fired up…”_

 

 

The memories made him smile. And they made him sad. He was about to end a eight year long relationship. It hurt. All he wanted to do was be with Isak. But he knew he belonged down here. And asking Isak for a long distance relationship after everything that had happened with them the past two year wasn't an option. He knew Isak would never be able to fully trust him again. And he was right not to.  
  
Regardless, Even hadn't slept with anyone since the day of the attack on the hospital. He hadn't even considered it. There were both girls and boys down here who were more than attractive enough for his taste. But he didn't even think like that. All he could think about was Isak. How much he loved him.   
  
And that was the reason it was right to let him go.  


 

 

 

 

_And the river flows beneath your skin_

_Like savage horses kept within_

_And all is wasted in the sand_

_Like breaking diamonds with your hand_

 

  
  


  
“We’ve found the rest of the group. They're located not far from here. We’re sending in a special forces team. Your team. I know you have never joined a night mission before Næsheim, but do you think you're up for the job?”  
  
“I am Sir.”  
  
“Are you completely sure? You have the right to say no.”  
  
“I am sure.”  
  
“Good. You're leaving tonight, on three hours. Take these papers and go brief your team.”  
  
“My team?”   
  
“I made you team leader. Well, they made you team leader. We hadn't picked one for your group yet, because you didn't have any specific missions yet. But they all came in here, one by one, and recommended you.”  
  
“But I have the least actual combat experience.”  
  
“Yet you are the most skilled member on the team, and you have a very valuable quality.”  
  
“Which is?”  
  
“You make good decisions. And you make them quickly. Also, you treat people with respect and decency. Which is why you're the perfect team leader for this group.”  
  
“I- I don’t know what to say.”  
  
“You don’t have to say anything. Brief your team, be ready in three hours.”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
As he exited the tent, and went to find his team, he couldn't help but smile. He was valued down here. He had a purpose. He was useful.   
  
And once again, he knew he had made the right choice, coming down here. And that breaking things of with Isak would be right to. Even belonged here, serving a purpose. And as long as he stayed here, he couldn't be the person Isak probably needed. Which meant he had to let him go, and let him find someone else. Someone better. And if they truly were soulmates, they would find their way back to each other one day.  
  
He approached the group that was his team. “He made me team leader.” he said, and he probably sounded as baffled as he felt.  
  
“We know. We told him to.”  
  
“But why?”  
  
“Because you're perfect for the job Even.” Aleksander said. “I told you to stop doubting yourself. You're amazing.”  
  
“Tone it down over there Lunde, you sound like you have a crush on Næsheim here.” Lukas laughed.  
  
“Well maybe I do. Who are you to stop me?” Aleksander teased back.  
  
Even just laughed. “We’re going out for a mission.”  
  
“When?”  
  
“In three hours.”  
  
“Night mission?”  
  
“They located the rest of the terrorist group.”  
  
Everyone exchanged smiles and leaned in closer, eager for the full brief.  
  
“So, here is how we’re going to do it.” Even started, and talked them through the mission at hand. When they were all briefed and ready, they went to have dinner, before they got the right gear and met the military minister by one of the SUV’s three hours later.  
  
He wished them good luck, and told them to be careful. It was just a formality. They all knew this was a high risk operation and that they wouldn't make it by being careful. They would make it by being efficient. Quick. And by not hesitating one second.  
  
  


 

_I remember running to the sea_

_Remember falling to my knees_

_I remember gliding off the shore_

_Until I touched the ocean floor_

 

 

 

 

They managed to capture most of the terrorists. They needed them alive for questioning. The mission was a success. They returned back at base as the sun rose, and when he felt the rays of warm sunlight hit his face, Even smiled again. He had lead a team, his team, on a mission. And none of them got wounded or died. He had succeeded.   
  
  
They handed over their prisoners, and hit the showers before they joined the rest of the camp for breakfast. After a few hours of sleep, they got called into the commander’s tent. They got informed that they had managed to get the entire group and that one of their prisoners was indeed the group leader. The commander had made calls home to Norway, lifted the guarding of the hospital.  
  
Even could help but be relieved by this. Isak was no longer a target. He was safe.  
  
  
They exited the tent, and gave each other high fives. As they walked over to their usual table (and hang out place), Lukas asked the question they all wondered about. “What do you think will be our next mission?”  
  
Even thought about it, then shrugged. “I guess we will have to keep helping with evacuations until they need us for another mission.”  
  
“I hate evacuations.” Simon groaned.  
  
“Because they bore you?” Lukas asked.  
  
“Because I don’t like having to be on the edge, for hours, waiting to kill someone.”  
  
Even patted Simon’s shoulder. “I agree with you. But it’s our job. To make sure the teams who are on the ground are safe.”   
  
“I know. It just sucks sometimes.”  
  
“I know. Let’s talk about something else.”  
  
“Like how Lunde has a huge crush on you, Næsheim?” Simon laughed.   
  
Aleksander groaned, and Even laughed. He wasn't sure if Aleksander actually did have a crush on him or if the other boy just played along to make the group laugh. He figured he would find out soon enough.

 

-

 

_“Anyone got eyes on group 9-3-5?”_ the intercom buzzed. They were helping with the evacuations again. Even and Aleksander was covering two other groups.  
  
Even shook his head slightly and Aleksander answered the intercom. “That’s a negative from Hawk-eye.”  
  
_“Negative from Eagle-eye.”  
  
“Negative from Raven.”_  
  
It was negative from all the sniper teams. Even’s group was him and Aleksander on Hawk-eye, Simon and Lukas on Raven and Tobias and Kim were Eagle-eye.

  
“Shit. Does this mean we have to go down there?” Aleksander asked Even.   
  
“Not unless we’re the closest ones.” Even said, keeping his focus on the task. “Unit 6-3-5, halt. I have movement on the street. A mother and a teenage boy. The mother is carrying something, her arms aren't swaying.” he adjusted the sight. “She just handed the teenager some form of explosive devise.”  
  
“We don’t have a visual Hawk-eye, it’s your call.”  
  
Even took a deep breath. He saw the kid walking toward the convoy. He hated shooting kids. But there were no way out. “Kid has a bomb. Unit 6-3-5 brace for cover. ”  
  
“Are you sure Næsheim?” Aleksander whisper. “They will throw your ass in jail if you shoot a innocent kid.”  
  
“He has a bomb. He may be innocent, but the moment that woman put that bomb in his hands he turned into a weapon in this war. He is a treat to our men.”  
  
So Even pulled the trigger, and as he did, a small tear escaped his eye.  
  
The mother tried to pick up the bomb, to throw it at the soldiers. Even shot her too. This job was really hard sometimes.  
  
“Unit 6-3-5, proceed.”  
  
“Roger that.”  
  
-  
  
“Still no-one who has a visual on group 9-3-5?” the intercom buzzed again.  
  
Still all negatives.  
  
“Raven-team, you two are closest to where they last entered. Get in there and check it out.”  
  
“Roger that.”  
  
Even could see Aleksander breathe out in relief. He knew the other boy hated being down in these streets. And Even didn't much like it himself. It was at times terrifying. But it was also their job.  
  
“You coming down for another tour?” Even asked Aleksander.  
  
“Yeah. You haven't changed your mind?”  
  
“Nope.”  


 

-

 

  
“Half the team are dead, the rest are taken. I repeat, we have lost group 9-3-5, they have been abducted.” he could hear Simon’s voice over the intercom.   
  
He cursed. This meant they had another mission. So Even and Aleksander packed up their gear, as the commander told everyone to abort mission and return to base.

 

 

-  
  
  
“You’re telling me the only tracking device on any of them is in their intercoms?”  
  
“Which they still have with them-“  
  
“They will be disposed of soon enough. How the fuck are we supposed to track them then?” Even knew he was raising his voice now. He couldn't help it. “We need to go. Now. Before we lose the signal and direction.”  
  
“It’s nearly dark. It’ll be a suicide mission, we have no satellite coverage, no intel on who these guys are and for all we know it can be a trap. I won’t send you or your company into a trap, Næsheim.”  
  
“I’m willing to take the risk.” Even said stubbornly.  
  
“Me too.” Lukas said.  
  
“And me.” Simon said.  
  
“I’m in.” Kim said.  
  
Tobias, the only one of the guys Even hadn't spoked much with, just nodded. He was also willing to go.   
  
Aleksander looked unsure. Even put a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to come.” he said.  
  
“I’ll come. If you promise to have my back.”  
  
“We’ll all have each others backs.” Even said firmly, and held out a hand for the tracking device so they could track the abducted soldiers.  
  
“I can’t authorise this. Not as a regular mission. It needs to be under the radar, black ops.” the commander said, debating it. Then he handed the device over. “Take what equipment you need, and bring our boys back safe.”  
  
Even nodded, took the device, said “Sir.” and turned around and left. The rest of the group followed him. Aleksander had to jog to keep up with him. Looking over Even’s shoulder at the tracking device, he pointed on the screen.   
  
“I think I know where they are going. If we take a shortcut across there, we can intercept them before they arrive at their destination and perhaps make this an easier mission.”  
  
“Let’s do it. Grab your gear, meet me in the SUV in five.”  
  


 

 

_And the river flows beneath your skin_

_The savage horses kept within_

_And all is wasted in the sand_

_Like breaking diamonds with your hand_

 

 

 

 

Aleksander’s plan worked. They intercepted the convoy, took out the drivers first, then managed to take down all the kidnappers. They captured one alive, so they could interrogate him on why they had tried to abduct the team in the first place.  
  
They managed to rescue eight out of ten soldiers who had been abducted. Which meant they had lost twelve soldiers today.  
  
But when Even said that, the commander patted his back and said that because of him they were sending only twelve coffins home, instead of twenty. And that mattered.  
  
Even knew he was right. But he still felt the loss. He never got to know any of the people who died today. When they rescued the soldiers earlier, one of the boys, probably only nineteen years old, threw his arms around Even in the car back to the base, sobbing and thanking him over and over for saving his life.  
  
Even hugged him back and didn't let go until he had escorted the boy into medical and a team of doctors and a therapist took over.  
  
——  
  
The rest of his days until he was scheduled to return to Norway went like this. They tried to hunt down the group behind the abduction, but didn't succeed, and his team kept helping with evacuations.   
  
Luckily, there were no more fatalities. Even was happy about that. They even had some days off, due to unforeseen events like sickness. And the fact that they were one evacuation group less. Ass soon as they were all cleared medically, the group Even’s team had rescued were given the option to go home. They all took it.   
  
Even and Aleksander was part of the convoy that escorted them there. The boy who had been so terrified, the one who had clung to Even, introduced himself as Thomas. He thanked Even once again for saving his life and hugged him. As Even hugged him back, he saw a glimmer of something in Aleksander’s eyes. If he wasn't so sure the boy was straight, he would have guessed it was jealousy.  
  
The night before he went home, he packed his things and signed of on some paper work.  
  
“You’re still sure about coming back down Næsheim?” the commander asked.  
  
“We still have work to do down here Sir.”  
  
“Doesn’t mean you have to be the one to do it.”  
  
“I want to come back. I feel like I belong here. Like I serve a purpose.”  
  
“You most certainly do.”  
  
“Then why are you questioning my decision, Sir?”  
  
“Just making sure it’s not to much for you. You went from working in the kings guard for over five years, never having to take another person’s life, to come here and have to shoot people on a daily basis. That does something to a person.”  
  
Even thought about it for a second. “When I was in my initial training I went one tour down to a war zone and I did shoot someone. That time, it messed me up. But when the hospital in Norway was attacked, and I had to kill people, I didn't even blink. I didn't think about it afterwards. And every kill down here has been the same. I make damn sure it’s not a civilian, before pulling the trigger. Shooting someone who’s targeting our boys, I’m fine with that.”  
  
“Good to hear. But I recommend you do some counselling while you are home. Just to make sure, given your history.”  
  
“My medical history?”  
  
“Yes. When they told me you were bipolar I was frightened that you wouldn't be up for this. But you haven't shown any sign of being any different from anyone else on your team.”  
  
“I take my meds Sir, make sure I always carry extra in case I get in a sticky situation. They help. And also, I don’t drink alcohol or do any drugs. And there is nothing major happening in my life to set me of. I feel fine. I feel good. I feel like a normal person.”  
  
“I never said you weren’t. I was merely praising you on how well you manage yourself despite being dealt a shitty hand in life.”  
  
“Thank you Sir.”  
  
“Have a safe trip home tomorrow Næsheim. And I look forwards to seeing you in a month.”  
  
“Thank you Sir. I look forward to that too.”  
  
  
He went back to his bunk, and pulled out his phone. He looked at all the texts from Isak again, and felt a little bad. He hadn't spoken one word to his boyfriend in over three months now. But they needed to talk in person. He finally texted his boyfriend back.  
  
  
  


 

 

FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Landing around noon tomorrow. Meet me at the apartment at 2 pm?  
  
  
  
  
The answer came about an hour or so later.  
  
  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Okay.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Sorry I haven't answered before. I just felt like we needed to talk in person. How are you?  
  


  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Horrible. We can talk tomorrow. Goodnight.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Goodnight.

  


 

He was sad to hear that Isak wasn't doing well. But they would talk tomorrow. He had a feeling Isak didn't deal well after what had happened. According to his mother he had seemed fine in the beginning, but then gotten slowly worse.  
  
Even crawled under the covers of his bed, and could feel himself starting to drift of. He would talk to Isak tomorrow. Make things right. And maybe he could help him. He hoped he could.  
  


 

 

_And the river grows inside of me_

_And the river grows inside of me_

_And the river grows inside of me_

_And the river grows inside of me_


	10. STAY THE NIGHT

  


_I know that we are upside down_

_So hold your tongue and hear me out_

_I know that we were made to break_

_So what? I don't mind_

 

 

ISAK'S POV

 

  
He was early. It was 13.49 when he entered the apartment. He hadn't been here since the day he decided to leave. He had lived with Eva and Jonas for over three months now. He needed to find somewhere else to live soon. Stop being a bother to them.  
  
He walked around the apartment, took inn the memories it brought back. From the beginning to the end. The good days and the bad. The memories of him an Even watching a movie and throwing popcorn at each other. The memories of him and Even showering together and singing in the shower. The memories of long nights filled with sex and caressing and love.  
  
And the memories of drunk Even stumbling home in the middle of the night, smelling like some girl’s perfume. The memories of them dodging each other when they both had the weekend of, going out training or making sure to stay in different rooms. The awkwardness who ended up fading into a routine. Fading into just existing together in the same apartment. Fading from talking all night about things like parallel universes and how the world is fucked up. Fading into not speaking at all.  
  
  
He sat down on the couch, but got too restless and got back up. Started pacing on the living room floor. He knew what Even was going to say. He knew that he wouldn't be able to change the other boy’s mind. He knew Even would break his heart today.  
  
But he was going to try and fight him, every step of the way. Isak would not let Even go without a fight. He would not let him end their eight year long relationship now. He wouldn’t.  


 

-  
  
  
He heard the rustling of keys. The door being opened and locked again. And then Even stepped into the door opening of the living room. Looking just like he did three months ago, only he might have put on some more muscle. And Isak could feel himself breaking only by the look in Even’s eyes.  
  
“Hey.” Even said.  
  
“Hey.” Isak replied breathlessly.  
  
Even dropped his bag. The banging sound it made, was enough to make Isak jump. The sound was nothing like a gunshot, but he still flinched and jumped at it.  
  
“That bad?” Even just said, taking a step forwards.  
  
Isak was unable to speak. He just nodded. He could feel himself shaking.  
  
Even just walked over and wrapped him in a hug, and just like that, Isak unraveled. He was crying, then sobbing, then, when there were no more tears to cry, he dry sobbed. He couldn't stop. He melted into Even’s touch, clung to him with all his might. “Don’t let go.” he whispered, over and over.  
  
Even didn't say a word.  
  
-  
  


When Isak finally managed to stop sobbing, Even carefully helped him to the couch and asked if he had eaten anything today. When Isak shook his head, Even started searching the kitchen for food. Since there were none, he ordered Chinese-food.  
  
Isak observed Even looking out of the window after hanging up the phone. Wondering what the other boy was thinking. How they had come to this. What had they done to each other?  
  
Isak knew he had ruined this relationship by walking out the door that day. He knew Even had ruined it by first cheating and then giving up.  
  
The only thing left now was hearing Even say the words. The final words.  
  
Just as it looked like Even was about to start talking, start on the ‘why I’m breaking up on you speech’, Isak’s phone rang.  
  
He looked at it. It was from work. Saved by the bell. Literally.  
  
“Valtersen.” he said, voice shaking.  
  
_“Hey. Sorry to bother you Isak, but it’s Jonah.”_ It was Luke. Luke knew he was off that case, so why call him?  
  
“I’m not on that case anymore.” he answered, a little annoyed.  
  
_“I know. But since you did the transplant I wanted to ask your advise on what to do next.”_  
  
Isak knew this wasn't good. He felt his blood run cold. “What happened?”  
  
_“I think the body is rejecting the heart. That, or the new heart is failing as well. Either way, he is spiralling.”_  
  
“Oh fuck.”  
  
_“Oh fuck indeed. What would you do, if you had kept the case?”_  
  
“Aren’t you supposed to be the better surgeon of us? Being chief and all?” Isak knew he sounded harsh. He just couldn't even think right now. It was too much. Even was sitting three meters away from him, looking at him, and about to break up with him. Jonah was at the hospital, dying. And his freakin boss couldn't make a decision here? Fuck this.  
  
_“I know. But I’m not. You are the better surgeon. Which is why I’m calling. I know you are under a lot of stress now Isak. But I need you to save Jonah’s life. So please. What would you do?”_  
  
Isak was at a loss. “Let me think. Just give me one second to think.” he let the hand holding the phone fall down to his side, and got up from the couch. Started pacing the floor. Thinking about possibilities. Lifted the phone again. “Second donor?”  
  
_“Unlikely.”_  
  
“Put him on bypass.”  
  
_“He can’t stay on bypass for long.”_  
  
“I’ll be in. Just… Just buy me two hours. I need to eat, and I need to get there.” _And I need to let Even break up with me._ He looked over at Even. He had this expression on his face, one Isak didn't recognise or could read.  
  
_“Thank you Isak. Seriously.”_  
  
“There is probably nothing I can do Luke. You need to inform him and his family about it. You're right, I am good. But I am not God.”  
  
_“I know. See you in two hours.”_ And then Luke hung up, letting Isak stand there, in the middle of the living room, staring at Even, with the phone in his hand.  
  
“I have to go in to work.” Isak just said.  
  
Even just nodded at him. “I kind of caught that.”  
  
“But you’re here to break up with me so just get it over with.”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“It’s true.”  
  
“Yes. But I have my reasons, and I was going to make this easier.”  
  
“How can you make this fucking easier Even? You just fucking left me, when I needed you the most, after all that shit you put me through. And I lived in fear for months, terrified of getting a call, saying you were dead. And then you come back home and you just decide that us breaking up is for the best? Well guess what; A relationship is made up of two people and I get a vote too.”  
  
“Isak. I-“  
  
The doorbell rung. Isak just turned around and answered the door. Paid for the food and returned to the living room. Sat down as far apart from Even as he could.  
  
“Isak. I know I have put you through hell. I know I have been an awful boyfriend. And I know how horrible you must be feeling right now. But I’m not breaking up with you to be a dick. I’m doing it because I love you.”  
  
“What kind of crap is that Even? You don’t break up with people because you love them!”  
  
“You do, when you don’t want them to spend every day worrying about you.”  
  
“Why would I worry anymore now? You're home.”  
  
“I’m going back.”  
  
“What?!”

 

 

 

_You kill the lights, I'll draw the blinds_

_Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes_

_I know that we were made to break_

_So what? I don't mind_  
  
  
  
  
Isak refused to speak to Even anymore after that. He refused to listen to Even’s reasons for doing this. Even was going back to war. Even was leaving again. Even was dumping him so he wouldn't worry. How could he not fucking worry, no matter what? Isak needed to block this out. He needed to pul himself together. He needed to get to the hospital and try to save Jonah.  
  
When they finished eating, Isak got up to leave.  
  
“Isak. I’ll drive you.”  
  
“No. I can drive myself.”  
  
“You’re a mess right now.”  
  
“Well, who’s to blame for that?” Okay, so that might have been a low blow. And judging by Even’s expression, it had hurt the older boy.  
  
“Me. Which is why I’m taking responsibility and driving you to work right now.”  
  
Isak tried to come up with another argument. But he couldn’t. His head was so full of all this fucked up information. Jonah dying. Even going back to war. On top of everything else. “Fine.” he just said, before reaching into his jacket pocket, grabbing his pill bottle and downing a few. When Even gave him a look, he shrugged. “You’re not alone in being fucked up anymore.”  
  
The ride to the hospital was quiet. Isak didn't know what to say and Even obviously understood that Isak couldn't process any more information right now. When they arrived at the hospital Isak told Even to just keep the car until later, but Even parked it instead, said he would come inside and wait for Isak. They needed to talk more. Isak told him this could take a long time. Even said he didn't mind. Isak was too mentally exhausted to argue right now.  
  
—  
  
When they got inside, they were met by Luke. Isak pointed Even to the direction of the cafeteria and said he could wait there, before accepting the coat Luke handed him and the chart. The results were really bad.  
  
“Still no donor?”  
  
Luke shook his head. “We can try and keep him on bypass and cross our fingers, or-“  
  
“Or I can go in and give it a try.”  
  
“Either way his chances are slim.”  
  
“By the looks of these results, it’s a miracle he’s still alive.”  
  
They entered Jonah’s room. This time the boy didn't smile at Isak. “I’m dying, aren't I? That’s why they brought you back in.”  
  
“I can try Jonah. I can try and go in, see what the damage is and try to fix it.”  
  
“What’s my other option?”  
  
“Wait for another donor.”  
  
“And how much time do I have if I chose that option?”  
  
“Very little.” Luke said.  
  
“Then I’ll go with the operation.” Jonah said. His mother cried.  
  
Isak just nodded. “Prep him for surgery.” he told the nurses.  
  
He held Jonah’s gaze for a few minutes.  
  
“So tell me, did he come back?” Jonah asked.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“He dumped me.”  
  
“Should have stuck with me.” Jonah joked.  
  
“I probably should have.” Isak tried to smile. He failed miserably.  
  
  
  
———  
  
  
It was bad. The heart was so messed up, he nearly couldn't repair the damage. But he did. It was a temporary fix. Jonah would need a heart transplant soon. But Isak had bought him a little more time.  
  
Too bad he couldn't do the same for himself.  
  
  
The surgery had taken 6 hours. He had kind of figured Even would have just left. Found himself hoping Even had left. When he checked his phone there were no messages. And when he entered the cafeteria, Even was there. He sat next to a mother and a little kid, talking to the kid.  
  
Isak could have melted then and there. Even was such a wonderful person. Yeah, they had fucked up their relationship the past year. They both had. But Even was still the man of his dreams. But Isak wasn't Even’s dream anymore.  
  
He walked up to the table. “Hey.” he said.  
  
Even turned his head to him. “Did he make it?”  
  
“For now.”  
  
“Let’s go home.” Even just said, and said goodbye to the people he had been sitting with.  
  
As soon as they got in the car, Isak opened his mouth. “Would you mind just driving me home to Jonas and Eva?”  
  
“I thought we were going to talk?”  
  
“What is there to talk about Even? You're dumping me. End of story.”  
  
“We need to talk about everything Isak. We need to talk things through. And I need to know you are okay.”  
  
“I don’t think I ever will be again, so don’t bother.”  
  
“Well, when you're acting like this, I’m definitely not letting you go. You're coming back to the apartment. We are gonna talk this out and I can sleep on the couch.”  
  
“Even..” Isak whined. He was too tired, too exhausted for this.

 

“Isak.” Even just countered, stubbornly.  
  
“What the fucking hell. Why not. Fine.” Isak said, put on his seatbelt, and looked out the window for the entire drive.  
  
  
  


 

_Are you gonna stay the night?_

_Are you gonna stay the night?_

_Oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?_

 

_Are you gonna stay the night?_

_Doesn't mean we're bound for life_

_So oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?_

 

 

 

 

“I’m not going back to hurt you, Isak. I need you to know that.”  
  
They were in the bedroom. Isak had changed into a pair of old sweats and were under the covers. Even had just walked in to bring him a glass of water. Now he sat down on the bed, and looked at Isak with those dreamy blue eyes.  
  
“Why are you going back Even? I thought you decided you didn't want to be in the special forces, that you wanted a normal life with a low risk job.”  
  
“I did. But then the attack on the hospital happened. And I got the opportunity to go down there. And I finally realised what my purpose was. And I am not trying to excuse the fact that I cheated on you, there is no excuse for that. I would take it all back if I could. But the dullness, the emptiness I have been feeling these past few years, it’s because I feel like a burden. I feel like I don’t have a purpose, like I don’t even matter. But down there, I mattered. I had a purpose. I made a difference.”  
  
Isak took a sip of the water. Tried to process what Even had said. And he realised, that he understood. He had subconsciously known for a long time, why Even had gone down there. He just hadn't imagined that he would go back once he got home. So he understood, the going back part. Not the breakup part. He put down the water glass, and reached for Even’s hand. Even let him have it, squeezed carefully back.  
  
“I know that feeling. I get it every day at work.” he simply said. “Well, I used to, at least.”  
  
Even nodded. “And I’m sorry for hurting you Isak. I wish I had never done it.”  
  
“I know. But I have spent a lot of time these past months thinking about what happened to us. And I realised that the blame wasn't on you alone. I have been distant and I stopped being there for you. I stopped talking to you, after mom died. I stopped hugging you, despite knowing we both needed it. I stopped kissing you, because all I felt was this numbness and like you said, emptiness.” He breathed in sharply. “And then you started cheating. And I guess it was because you needed to feel something. And at the moment, it didn't even hurt me. I even tried to even the score by cheating on you too.”  
  
“With Jonah.” Even said, matter of factly.  
  
“How did you know?”  
  
“Your reaction when you got that call. How you acted in the OR that day. You looked so guilty. Like you owed this guy something. So let me guess, you slept with him, he fell in love with you, and you broke his heart?”  
  
“Spot on.”  
  
“I figured.”  
  
“You’re good at that, you know? Reading people.”  
  
“It’s part of my job.”  
  
“I guess.” he realised they were still holding hands. It still gave him butterflies, Even’s touch. “Anyway, the point is; I forgive you, Even.”  
  
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness Isak.”  
  
“You do. We both made mistakes. I was just hoping we could move forward from them.”  
  
“I’m going back Isak. It won’t work.”  
  
“Plenty of people have long distance relationships.”  
  
“Not with a history like ours. I know you won’t be able to trust me. You will be worried about me cheating again. That, or dying. And I don’t want you to worry Isak.”  
  
“Is there someone else Even? Someone down there?” Isak asked.  
  
“No.” the honesty in Even’s eyes were overwhelming. Isak always knew when Even was lying. And now he wasn’t.  
  
“I will worry about you dying whether you’re still my boyfriend or not. I won’t just stop loving you, stop caring, because you break up with me.”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“Even.” he answered stubbornly.  
  
Even sighed. “We are getting nowhere right now and we both could use some sleep. Can we continue this in the morning?”  
  
Isak nodded slowly. When Even tried to get up and leave, Isak held onto his hand. “Stay with me. Hold me. Please.”  
  
He could see Even debating this, trying to make up an excuse to say no. But for some reason, he didn’t. “Okay.” Even undressed and crawled into bed next to him. Isak instantly curled up in his arms.  
  
“What kind of medication did they put you on?” Even whispered.  
  
“Diazepam.” Isak whispered back.  
  
“I’m so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me Isak.”  
  
“You’re here now.”  
  
“I am. And I do love you Isak.”  
  
“I love you too.” Isak whispered, as tears streamed down his face. “Even?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Can you fuck me? One last time?”

 

 

 

 

 

_I am a fire, you're gasoline,_

_Come pour yourself all over me_

_We'll let this place go down in flames only one more time_

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Isak…”  
  
“Please.”  
  
“Isak, no.”  
  
“Even.”

 

“Isak. We can’t. I can’t.”  
  
“Fuck me.”  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“Please Even. Please.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Even…”  
  
“No, I won’t fuck you. But I will make love to you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_You kill the lights, I'll draw the blinds_

_Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes_

_I know that we were made to break_

_So what? I don't mind_

 

 

 

 

 

It was intimate. Bittersweet. It consumed him, body and soul. It was them. Isak and Even, Even and Isak. Blue eyes meeting green, green eyes drowning in blue. There were tears of joy, bliss and sadness.  
  
And there was so much love. Love that didn't need words to be expressed. Love that just filled them, consumed them. They breathed it. Felt it. With every touch, every kiss.  
  
It was probably the best sex they had ever had.  
  
And afterwards, Isak fell asleep in Even’s arms, head buried into the older boy’s chest, drifting away to a nightmare-less sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

_Are you gonna stay the night?_

_Are you gonna stay the night?_

_Oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry but I can't write smut for the life of me so... use your own imaginations!


	11. HEARTBEATS

  
_One night to be confused_

_One night to speed up truth_

_We had a promise made_

_Four hands and then away_

_Both under influence_

_We had divine scent_

_To know what to say_

_Mind is a razor blade_  
  


 

 

 

EVEN'S POV  
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning was really awkward. There were no other words to describe it. He woke up, Isak still wrapped around him, the sheets sticky and sweaty. This was not how the night was supposed to go.  
  
Last night had been a mistake. He had been determined to not give in to it, the love he still felt for Isak. He had intended to just break things of, as cleanly and softly as possible. But then Isak got called into work. And Even saw how much Isak struggled. How much Isak needed him now.  
  
The whole situation was fucked up.  
  
Even wanted to stay here. Be here for Isak. Help him. Love him. Hold him until all those broken pieces healed.  
  
But he also wanted to go back. He wanted to serve his country, he wanted to have a purpose, play a bigger role in the world. He wanted the feeling of being a hero.  
  
But he would be a hero here as well. Helping Isak.  
  
He was so confused right now. He thought he had made up his mind. But now he wasn't so sure.  
  
He carefully untangled himself from Isak, and went into the bathroom, took a shower. When he exited the bathroom and found out the other boy was still sleeping, he snuck out of the apartment to go down to the corner and buy them some breakfast.  
  
When he got back in, he found Isak in the kitchen, dressed in a shirt, looking terrified. “I thought you had left.” the younger boy whispered.  
  
“I only went out for some food.” Even answered. Moving towards Isak, he made a movement to grab his hand, but Isak flinched away. “Isak.”  
  
“You broke up with me, remember?” the hurt in the younger boy’s voice was enormous.  
  
“Isak. I’m going back.”  
  
“People do long-distance all the time.”  
  
“We aren't like most people. After all we have been through it wouldn't be fair to you. And I am in the special forces. I might not even come back.”  
  
“Don’t say that.” Isak was crying again now. Even hated when Isak cried.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry Isak.”  
  
“Then don’t do this.”  
  
“I have to.”  
  
“Even, please…”  
  
“I can’t. I’m so incredibly sorry Isak.”  
  
“Don’t be. I get it. You don’t want me anymore.”  
  
“That’s not true and you know it.”  
  
“If you wanted me, if you loved me, you wouldn't break up with me and go back to a war zone.”  
  
“That’s unfair of you Isak.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
The silence became awkward. Even started making breakfast. Isak went into the bathroom to shower. Even started thinking again. He knew he was breaking Isak’s heart. He was breaking his own as well. But he needed to do this. He needed to go back. He needed to hold on to that feeling of serving a purpose and being useful. He wanted to do that job. He needed to do it.  
  
And he couldn't be the man Isak needed while he was down there.  
  
But Isak needed him. Isak needed Even. Most of all, Isak needed help. And Even wanted to be the one to help him. He just knew he couldn't do that in a month. And he was leaving in a month.  
  
He finished making breakfast as Isak came out of the shower. He had only a towel wrapped around his waist. “I need to borrow some clothes.” he said, trying to avoid Even’s eyes.  
  
Even swallowed. He looked at Isak, and all he wanted to do was touch him, every inch of his body. Kiss him, slow and soft, deep and needy. Hold him close. Stay with him forever. But instead he just nodded, went into the bedroom and pulled out a pair of boxers, a hoodie, socks and a pair of jeans. They would probably be a little long on Isak, but he didn't have any sweats left so…  
  
He handed the clothes to Isak, who mumbled a thanks and headed back into the bathroom. Two minutes later he came back and sat down across from Even.  
  
They started eating. Even tried to make eye-contact. Isak’s eyes were glued to the table. Even found his mind wandering again. He was fighting with himself. Last night had been… He felt like changing his mind. But he knew he couldn’t. He couldn't do that to Isak. He needed to let him go.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Isak, just look at me.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why not.”  
  
“Because then I will cry and I am so exhausted of crying.”  
  
“Why will you cry?”  
  
“Because you're leaving me. You broke up with me last night, remember?”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“What do we do about the apartment?” Isak finally lifted his eyes, green eyes meeting blue.  
  
“I don’t need it.” Even shrugged.  
  
“I don’t want it.” Isak countered.  
  
Okay, so that kind of hurt for reasons Even couldn't quite understand. Or maybe he did. He wanted Isak to have the apartment because Even himself didn't need it. Isak plainly didn't want it, probably because of the memories that lingered here.  
  
“Okay.” Even just said. “We’ll sell it then.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
  


 

_To call for hands from above to lean on_

_Would that be good enough for me?_

 

_One night of magic rush_

_The start: a simple touch_

_One night to push and scream_

_And then relief_

_Ten days of perfect tunes_

_The colors red and blue_

_We had a promise made_

_We were in love_

 

 

 

 

“Do you remember that day, when you told me that we wouldn't work out because you would just hurt me?” Isak asked. They were sitting in the living room, drinking tea.   
  
“I do. And I did, didn’t I?” Even said, sighing. They had been talking in circles for hours. Isak had been repeating what he had said in the kitchen earlier that morning; that Even didn’t love him.  
  
Even had argued. Isak had argued back. They stopped talking. Stayed silent. Then they started over again.   
  
So this was new. This was something new. But it probably ended up in the same circle.  
  
“You did. But I forgive you.”  
  
“I don’t deserve that.”  
  
“You do.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I was an asshole. I withdrew from you when I needed you. I let the loss of my mother affect our relationship.”  
  
“It’s natural to react like that when your parent dies.”  
  
“For a short while, yes. But I just kept pushing until you broke apart and lost yourself and started cheating on me to try and feel something. And even then I didn't stop pushing you away. I never tried to help you. I never reached out for you. I needed you, but I pushed you away.”  
  
“Isak. You're not to blame for what I did. I am the only one to blame.”  
  
“I don’t blame you Even. I forgive you. I love you. Why can’t that be enough?”  
  
“It is. But we can’t be together.”  
  
“Why not? Why can’t we try? I’m forgiving you, I’m literally begging you. So why not Even? Just give me a reason.”  
  
“I’m going back in a month. And then I will stay for a year.”  
  
“A year?”  
  
“A year.”  
  
The silence resumed. Isak grabbed both their cups, walked into the kitchen. Made more tea. Came back. Sat down. Handed a cup to Even. And sipped his own.   
  
“I want to go with you.” Isak said.  
  
“No.” Even answered, without even thinking twice.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“You jumped at the sound of me dropping my bag. You have PTSD. You can’t go to a war-zone.”  
  
“It’s not that bad. I’ll get treatment. I can get over it.”  
  
“It’s a war-zone, Isak.” Even was losing his mind right now. Picturing Isak down in Afghanistan. It made him shudder. He couldn't even stomach the thought.   
  
“I know that.”  
  
“You have no military training.”  
  
“I have several medical degrees. I can go down as a volunteer.”  
  
“That won’t pay anything and you can’t stay for more than a month.”  
  
“Then I will get the military training needed.”  
  
“That takes three to six months Isak, depending on which program you chose.”  
  
“Fine. I’ll do it.”  
  
“You probably won’t get in.” He knew it was a low blow, but he needed Isak to stay here. Where it was safe. He needed Isak to be safe. To not hurt or suffer. To be fine.  
  
“I’ll try anyway.”  
  
“No. Don’t do it. Stay here. Stay home. Stay safe.”  
  
“You don’t want me to come?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Because you don’t want me anymore?”  
  
“Because I want you to be safe.”  
  
“Well, I want you to be safe too, but I can’t make you stay. And you can’t make me stay either, because you just jumped the gun and broke up with me, not giving me a bloody chance to have a say in the matter.”  
  
“Isak. I’m sorry. I love you, but we can’t keep going on like this.” Even got to his feet.  
  
“Are we over then? Officially?” Isak asked him, eyes brimmed with tears.  
  
“Yes. Yes we are.” Even said, feeling his heart break into a million pieces as he did.   
  
Then he crossed the living room. “I’m going to leave now. I’ll take the tram to my parents, and I’ll stay there for the month I’m home. You can stay here if you want or you can go back to Jonas’ place. I can contact a real-estate company, to sell this place. But I’ll give you a few days to think about it. Text me when you’ve made up your mind.” Then he picked up his bag, and walked towards the door.  
  
He turned, and looked at Isak one last time.  
  
“Goodbye Isak. I love you. Forever. And maybe we’ll find our way back to each other in the future.”  
  
Isak just looked away, and didn't answer. Even turned back around, and walked out the door. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_To call for hands from above to lean on_

_Would that be good enough for me?_

 

_To call for hands from above to lean on_

_Would that be good enough?_

 

_And you_

_You knew the hand of the devil_

_And you_

_Kept us awake with wolves teeth_

_Sharing different heartbeats in one night_

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the tram, his phone pinged. Tears pressing behind his eyelids, he opened it.   
  


  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Sell the place.  


 

  
  
He didn't answer. And Isak didn't try to contact him again for the rest of his time home.  
  
His mother was happy to see him, yelled at him for going in the first place, were happy about him coming home and yelled at him when he told her about going back. But eventually she stopped yelling. And accepted it.   
  
His father told him he was proud and to stay safe.  
  
He went to his therapist a few times, and she was impressed by the progress he had made. How much more sure of himself he seemed. How much better he was at managing his bipolar disorder.  
  
“And how are you and Isak?”  
  
“I broke up with him.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I’m going back.”  
  
“But you can still be together you know. There are phones. Skype.”  
  
“I can’t put him through that.”  
  
“You mean after what happened these past years?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And how did he take it?”  
  
“He’s angry at me. Doesn't want to accept it. Doesn't want to move on. Want’s to come with me.”  
  
“And how do you feel about that?”  
  
“Honesty? I can take the anger. And I can understand the not accepting. But I don’t want him to come with me.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“It’s a war-zone. And he has zero military-training.”  
  
“But he’s a doctor. He will stay on the base and save lives.”  
  
“Sometimes they need the medical personnel to come outside the camp, to save soldiers in the middle of combat. It’s a high risk job.”  
  
“And your’s isn’t?"  
  
“I’m trained for it.”  
  
“He can get training too.”  
  
“Yes. But I still don’t like it.”  
  
“But it’s not your choice, is it?”  
  
“Well, no.”  
  
“If he does decide to come down there, will you reconsider your relationship?”  
  
“I don’t know. I feel like I can never make it up to him. He keeps saying he forgives me, but I don’t deserve that. I will never be able to feel like I deserve him again. It took me so much time and he worked so hard trying to convince me the first time, that I deserved him. And after what I’ve done? I won’t ever deserve a person as wonderful as Isak Valtersen again.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because I cheated. I hurt him. I broke him down in every way possible.”  
  
“And he forgives you.”  
  
“He shouldn’t.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“It’s not forgivable.”  
  
“It is. Everything is. Love concours all.”  
  
“I’m not sure I still believe in that.”  
  
“Even. You're doing so much better. You've improved so much. I’m so proud of you. But pushing Isak away, despite obviously loving him? I think that is a bad decision.”  
  
“Maybe. But it is my decision to make.”  
  
“That is true. You're leaving tomorrow?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Have a safe trip. And think about what we talked about, when it comes to Isak. Stop punishing yourself for something he has forgiven you for.”  
  
“I’ll try.”  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
As he boarded the flight, he sat down next to Aleksander and nodded at him. “Lunde.” he said, smiling.  
  
“Næsheim.”  
  
“Didn’t think you would come for a second tour.”  
  
“Didn’t think you would come either.”  
  
“Told you I would.”  
  
“Did you see your boyfriend?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“We broke up. Sold our flat. It’s over.”  
  
“How did he take it?”  
  
“Badly. He even wanted to come.”  
  
“He’s a doctor, right?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“We need more doctors.”  
  
“I don’t want him down there. He freakin’ jumped at the sound of me dropping my bag when I entered the room.”  
  
“PTSD after the hospital shooting?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“That sucks.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Well, let’s talk about something else. You ready to go back in?”  
  
“Yup. You?”  
  
“Yeah. We’re going to take down those assholes now.”  
  
“We’ll try, you mean.”  
  
“With you on our team, we will succeed. I just know it.”  
  
Even just smiled at him, as the flight took of. They were finally going back. He was escaping all these bad memories. Putting it behind him. Leaving Isak behind. Isak. He still loved the other boy. He always would. But Even was going back to war and he needed to let Isak go. No matter how hard it was. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_To call for hands from above to lean on_

_Would that be good enough for me now?_

 

_To call for hands from above to lean on_

_Would that be good enough?_


	12. GRACE

 

 

_I'm on my knees_

_only memories_

_are left for me to hold_  
  
  
ISAK’S POV  
  
  
  
  
The second the door closed, Isak was a mess. He was sobbing, yelling, screaming in pain. The pain overwhelmed him, consumed him. It grabbed hold of him, so hard he was convinced it would never let go. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. How do people survive these kinds of things? You would see movies about it, where the main character just cried a bit, ate ice-cream and got over it.  
  
No amount of ice-cream could ever fix this pain. He was pretty sure the pain of Even leaving him by choice was harder and stronger than the pain of Even dying would ever be.   
  
He cried and cried until he was all out of tears. Then he got up, grabbed his phone and sent a text.  
  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Sell the place  
  
  
  
  
  
He stayed for another hour in the apartment. Tidied up. Removed personal items like pictures and stuff and made it look presentable for pictures and showings and whatever they needed to do to sell the place. Walked around the apartment, old memories surfaced.  
  
  


 

 

 

—————————-

 

 

**_“I requested a transfer. To the kings guard.”  
  
“Why? I thought you loved it in special ops?”  
  
“Yes. But I love you more. And staying in special ops means getting sent where I’m needed. Working in the kings guard means staying here with you. Easy choice.”  
  
“I love you Even Bech Næsheim.”  
  
“Yeah? Say it again.”  
  
Isak rolled his eyes. “You goof.”  
  
“Say it.”  
  
“I love you Even Bech Næsheim.”  
  
And then Even pushed him down on the bed and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.  
_ **

 

 

**_-_ **

 

**_  
  
“Of course we need to have this apartment, it’s perfect Isak! I have been living at my parents for too long, and I’m pretty sure Eskild and Linn are tired of us by now. AND it’s close to the hospital, nice neighbourhood-“  
  
“I might not get a job at that hospital you know.”  
  
“You’ll get it. Just wait and see.”  
  
“Even…”  
  
“I believe in you Isak Valtersen.”  
  
“Shut up and kiss me.”  
  
“Only if you say yes to buying this place.”  
  
“Yes. Now kiss me.”_ **

 

 

**_-_ **

**_  
  
“I got the job!” Isak yelled as he entered the apartment.  
  
“I knew you would Isak, you've always been the smartest person I know, the best in your class and just plain amazing!”  
  
“You just say that so I will let you into my pants.”  
  
“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.” Even smirked at him._ **

 

 

**_-  
_ **

 

**_  
“How come we don’t have a song?”  
  
“A song? What are you talking about Even? It’s 2 AM, are you high? Like on drugs or mania or what? You woke me up for this?” Isak answered grumpily, and snuggled back into bed.  
  
“Come on Isak, all couples have a song! What’s ours?”  
  
“NOT that awful Gabrielle song, that’s for sure.”  
  
“Isak…” Even whined.  
  
“Nope. Not happening.”  
  
“FINE. Then you suggest one.”  
  
“I suggest ‘let’s go to fucking sleep Even, it’s 2AM.”  
  
“We need a song. We are getting married one day, like Jonas and Eva, and by then we need to have a song.”  
  
Isak sat up in the bed, eyebrows raised in concern. “Even. Have you been taking your meds?”  
  
“I’m fine Isak. Not manic. I won’t run out the door butt naked. I just want us to have a song.”  
  
Isak sighed, then pulled Even into his arms and fell back down on the bed. “You can’t force a thing like that. It just comes to you. Jonas and Eva have ‘Take me to church’ because it has a meaning to them, it felt natural, it has a story. We just have to find our song along the way, yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. Okay. Fine. But one day Isak Valtersen, we will have a song.”  
  
“We will. But it’s two in the morning and now we are going to sleep.”  
  
“Or….”  
  
Isak lifted an eyebrow. “Okay. But after THAT we will sleep.”   
  
“Fine by me.” Even grinned devilish before he started pulling down Isak’s pants._ **

 

**_  
  
_** ———————————-  
  
  
  
  
Isak took one last look around the apartment. It held so many memories. Of him and Even. Of what they had together. What they had lost. The good and the bad. He took a deep breath. Steadied himself. Then he grabbed his stuff, got into his car and drove back home to Jonas and Eva.  
  
They looked at him, waiting for him so say something. Their faces told him they already knew it. So he said the words out loud. “He broke up with me.” And then Eva’s arms were around him and he let her hug him. Eva guided him over to the table, they sat down and she continued hugging him while Jonas made dinner.  
  
“Uncle Isak, why are you crying?” Silje asked. Isak hadn't even noticed that they had taken her into the kitchen.  
  
“Because I’m sad sweetie.” he replied, smiling weakly.  
  
“Why are you sad?”  
  
“Because Even left me.”  
  
“Why did he do that?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“That’s stupid.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
And just like that, Isak felt a little better. They ate dinner, Silje talked about her favourite TV show and Jonas and Eva talked with her.  
  
After dinner, Jonas and Isak cleaned up as Eva went to put Silje down for a nap.  
  
“He just broke up with you?”  
  
“I knew it was coming.”  
  
“Why? Considering the things he has done, you should have been the one dumping him.”  
  
“I love him.”  
  
“I know. Did he give you a reason?”  
  
“He’s going back.”  
  
“To Afghanistan?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“For how long?”  
  
“A year.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“I get it then. He doesn't want you home, worrying, for an entire year.”  
  
“I’m going to worry anyway.”  
  
“You shouldn’t. You should forget him. You should move on.”  
  
“I don’t want to. I’m thinking about going down myself.”  
  
“WHAT?”  
  
“They need medics.”  
  
“You don’t have any military training.”  
  
“I’m going to apply. See if they will take me. The training for medical personal isn't that long.”  
  
“Isak, you have PTSD.”  
  
“I made an appointment with a shrink tomorrow.”  
  
“That’s good, but I still think this is a bad idea. A rash decision.”  
  
“Life is like that Jonas. It’s messy and rash and it throws you curveballs. All you can do is hang on and try to catch a few.”  
  
“You make no sense right now.”  
  
“I know. But I’m getting there. I’m going to get Even back. I need to get him back.”  
  
“He’s your soulmate, right?” Jonas smiled softly.  
  
“A minute ago you wanted him dead and now you've changed your tone. Why?”  
  
“Because I just realised that Even is your soulmate, like Eva is mine. And no matter what happens between us, that won’t ever change.”  
  
“I know. And I need to get him back.”  
  
“So you're going to a war-zone?” Eva popped her head in. She didn't sound upset, just kind of concerned.  
  
“Love is a battlefield.” Isak answered.  
  
  
Because sometimes, it is.  
  
  


 

_Don't know how_

_but I'll get by_

_Slowly pull myself together_

 

 

“Your resume is incredible Valtersen. If you pass the physical and mental tests, we would love to have you. But are you sure you want to go to Afghanistan? It is an active war-zone and we can’t guarantee anyone’s safety down there.”  
  
  
Isak had applied the day after Even dumped him. Something in him there was still hope. It was the only thing keeping him together. The hope of seeing Even again. The hope of Even taking him back. It was probably absurd, considering the situation. But here he was. Clinging to a small hope.   
  
  
“I know that. I wan’t to help. You guys need medical personnel to save lives down there, right?”  
  
“We do.”  
  
“Then that’s what I want to do.”  
  
“All right. If you pass the tests I will put you in the three months training programme. You know enough about the medical side of the job, you only need to learn how to be safe while going down there. You will have to learn how to handle a weapon, and get a “crash-course” in being a soldier.”  
  
“Thank you Sir.”  
  
“No, thank you Valtersen. You’re doing your country a great service by applying to go down there.”  
  
“I want to make a difference.”  
  
“You will.”  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
Since he had been in therapy every day for a month before he applied to the military, he got an all clear on the mental test. He had really worked on his PTSD. They had gone over and over and over that day in the OR until it was just a part of him, a memory, something he survived. It didn't give him shivers when he thought about it. He didn't jump at loud noises. He didn't have nightmares.  
  
He was sad though. He was sad because Even had left him. He was sad because he was heartbroken. But he was fine. He didn't need anti-anxiety medications anymore. He was fine. But he was sad. Everyday he went to sleep, thinking about the other boy. Every morning he woke up and missed him, missed having Even next to him.  
  
He also passed the physical tests. How could he not? He and Even had been working out together ever since Even joined the military. So Isak was almost as fit as Even. Maybe he had slightly less muscle in his arms, but he passed every single test.  
  
_You probably won’t get in_. The words haunted him. He knew Even had said it to try and change his mind about applying, not because he didn't think Isak was good enough. But it hurt.  
  
He was scheduled to start his training the following Monday, so he spent the weekend with Jonas and Eva and Silje, enjoying the time with them. He hadn't quit his job at the hospital, his boss refused to let him. Luke just said that his job would be waiting for him when he came back. Isak had thanked him, and promised he would return if and when he came home.

 

  
  
“You’re really doing this, huh?” Jonas asked, handing him a beer. It was late Saturday evening, Silje was put to bed and they were in the kitchen, eating pizza and drinking beer.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I think it’s romantic.” Eva said.  
  
“Why?” Jonas questioned. He sounded and looked grumpy. “What is romantic about going to a war zone? He could fucking die, and for what? Saving people down there, people who were stupid enough to go and fight a war that isn't even ours to fight in the first place?”  
  
“He’s doing it for Even. For love. Don’t tell me you wouldn't have followed me anywhere on the planet, Jonas Noah Vasquez.”  
  
“I would. But you never hurt me the way Even hurt Isak.” Jonas spat.  
  
“I have chosen to forgive him Jonas. Why can’t you respect that?” Isak stared his best friend in the eyes.   
  
“Because he chose to leave you anyway, and now you're going to a war to try and get him back. Which is ironic, he should be the one fighting for you, not the other way around.”  
  
“Well. This is my choice. I want to go. I want to help out down there. And I want to fight for Even. And I don’t care if you don’t like it Jonas, because you’re not my parent and you're not my husband and you don’t have any right to make any kind of decisions for me.”  
  
“But I am your friend. Your friend who cares about you.”  
  
“And I appreciate that. But I’m going.”  
  
“Fine. Just don’t die.”  
  
“I’ll try my best not to.”

 

 

 

 

_There's no escape_

_So keep me safe_

_This feels so unreal_

 

_Nothing comes easily_

_Fill this empty space_

_Nothing is like it seems_

_Turn my grief to grace_

 

_I feel the cold_

_Loneliness unfold_

_Like from another world_

 

 

 

Training was a bitch. Isak usually worked out three to four times a week, he liked staying in shape and all, but this was though. And hard. And there were times he regretted it. But he kept focusing on his goal. And he pushed through. He worked hard, and with every day he became more lean, more toned, stronger. Yet, he still silently cried himself to sleep. He prayed no-one else heard him. He missed Even. So badly it hurt with every heartbeat.  
  
He was a lousy shot. That was one thing he wasn't very good at. But with the help of their team leader and some of his “class mates”, he improved enough to be qualified for going down there. But he would never be good enough to become a special ops soldier or a sniper. That wasn't he’s goal either. He was a doctor, not a special ops soldier. He just needed to meet the criteria to go down there.   
  
During his three months in training, he made some new friends. Pia, a girl who was fresh out of med-school but couldn't get a job at a single hospital, Fredrik, a neurosurgeon who wanted to do something more (and had just divorced his wife because she decided she wasn't in love with him anymore) and Madeleine, a nurse. She had taken her education through the military and was therefore more skilled in combat and military training than the others.  
  
“So, you're going down there mostly to win the love of your life back? Even though he was the one cheating on you?” Fredrik asked him one night over supper.  
  
“It’s complicated, but yeah.” Isak answered.  
  
“I think it’s cute.” Madeleine said.  
  
“Yeah, and from what I heard, they need us down there like yesterday.” Pia joined in.  
  
“Oh?” Isak asked.  
  
“Yeah, the afghanistan-warriors keep abducting our soldiers. Abducting, torturing and killing. It’s getting rough down there. They want us to pull out of their land, but while ISIS is roaming around down there, the government refuses. Even the USA is debating to send in more troupes now.” Madeleine shrugged.  
  
“Shit.” Isak said, putting down his fork. He hoped Even was safe.  
  
“Yeah. So if you wanna bail out, now is the time to do it. Seeing as we leave tomorrow.” Madeleine continued.  
  
“I thought we had a week left of training.” Fredrik asked.  
  
“No time. Like Pia said, they need you surgeons like, yesterday.”

 

 

 

 

_Come what may_

_I won't fade away_

_But I know I might change_  
  
  


Isak decided to not say goodbye to his dad. He decided to not tell him at all that he was leaving. The man was passed out drunk all the time anyway, he probably wouldn't even notice is Isak came to visit. So for his own sake, he decided not to go.  
  
When the boarded the plane the next morning, Isak sat down next to Fredrik. They exchanged a smile, but neither said a word. They were both equally nervous about this.  
  
Isak had never even been on a holiday further south than Denmark before. He had never rode a plane for more than an hour at most, when the visited some family further north in Norway, once, when he was like ten.  
  
So the heat that hit him like a wave, mixed with sand, was a shock. He exited the plane, followed the soldiers who were there to escort them to base into the vehicles, and stared with awe at this deserted country, who seemed to be filled with nothing but sand.  
  
As they entered the base and got out of the cars, they were met by a man who introduced himself as the camp-commander. “Welcome to hell boys and girls.” he smiled.  
  
Isak and Fredrik exchanged looks. It truly looked like hell. An alarm went of. “Convoy incoming.” it rung out over the speakers.  
  
“I better show you guys to the medical tent, they need you in there.” the commander said, and they just mutely followed.   
  
As they entered the tent, it was a bustling mess. People running around, blood everywhere. “I need a surgeon here!” Someone yelled. Fredrik dropped his bag and just ran over. Isak stood frozen for a minute. Then he put both his and Fredrik’s bag in a corner and started looking around, trying to figure out where he was needed the most.   
  
He put a pair of gloves, just as he heard someone yell “we need a medic here!” He would have recognised that voice everywhere. It was Even. The commander hurried that way, and Isak followed him quickly.   
  
“What happened Næsheim?”  
  
“Shot in the shoulder, at an angle. Think the bullet might be near his heart.” Even and another soldier put the person in question down on a tray.  
  
The commander waved at Isak, to get to it. “Good thing we just had a cardio-surgeon arrive then.”  
  
Even looked up, meet Isak’s eyes. For a second they both froze. Green eyes meeting blue. Then Isak tore his gaze away. Someone needed his help. He walked over, grabbed a pair of scissors and started cutting away the clothing. “We need an x-ray over here.” he yelled, mainly at Madeleine.   
  
“Coming.” the girl yelled back, and Isak examined the injury closer. Listened to the soldiers heartbeat.  
  
“What’s your name?” he asked the patient, ignoring the commander, Even and the other soldier who stood there.  
  
“Lukas.” the boy breathed out, obviously in pain. “Why?”  
  
“Trying to make a conversation to distract you. We need an x-ray to be sure but I think you’ve been lucky. Your heart sounds fine. But this will hurt like a bitch.” Isak answered, put the stethoscope back around his neck just as Madeleine came over with the portable x-ray machine. “We need some space here.” he just said, and the people around the bed backed away. Slightly. Not leaving.  
  
Isak was a little annoyed that Even wouldn't leave. He needed to concentrate and Even was messing with his head by just being here.  
  
The x-rays showed what he had suspected. The bullet wasn't far in. “I will set a local anaesthetic and remove it. It will probably hurt like a bitch. But hey, you're lucky, this will heal in a week or two.”  
  
“Hah.” the boy, Lukas, laughed humourlessly.   
  
Even and the other solider stayed while Isak removed the bullet, which made Lukas scream, and the stitched him up. He left it to Madeleine to put on a bandage and went to help Fredrik out with another patient. Isak didn't look back, to see what Even did or didn't do. He just kept working until they had treated all the patients.   
  
  
Then he and his group were asked to come into the commander’s tent, to get assigned sleeping places and get a tour around camp. It was so late, they saved the tour for the next morning. They got to share a room, the four of them. “I don’t care about mixing boys and girls, you are grown up enough to make your own decisions. This isn't a school-trip.” the commander only said, and wished them a good night.  
  
Isak crawled into the bed who would be his for the next 200 or so days. He was so exhausted he fell asleep right away, without thinking about Even, for the first time since their breakup.

 

  


 

_Nothing comes easily_

_Fill this empty space_

_Nothing is like it was_

_Turn my grief to grace_

  
  
  
  
The next morning at 0600 the commander came to get them. He showed them where the showers were, where they served food, at what hours and pointed out a few groups of soldiers around camp. “We have different ranks, but our elite force are the special ops. They are over there-“ he pointed to a table who was placed away from the others “and they can be jerks. But they are all incredibly talented. The one you stitched up yesterday belongs there Valtersen. If they give you any crap in the medical tent, just kick them out. They tend to be a bit… harsh when they speak to others.”  
  
Isak couldn't help but laugh as he looked over and saw Even and his crew.  
  
“What?” the commander asked.  
  
“I can take them.”  
  
“Yeah? You're used to patients with a snappy attitude?”  
  
“Yeah. What did you say the team leader’s name was again?”  
  
“Næsheim. He’s an extremely talented soldier.”  
  
“Is that so.” Isak smiled.  
  
“Okay, what do you know that I don’t?” The commander asked, smiling, but confused.  
  
“Oh, just that Næsheim over there is Valtersen’s ex-boyfriend.” Fredrik supplied, making the commander drop his jaw.  
  
“Oh. Okay then. Whoa, did not see that one coming.” the commander said, and continued to walk, showing them the rest of the camp.  
  
“If you want to, most soldiers train at 05.00 every morning. Just jogging around camp, lifting some weights and such. As long as you don’t have patients to tend to you should do the same. Stay in shape. On days with time off we have an area for target practice and stuff, so you can freshen up your combat skills. I think that was it. Valtersen, accompany me to my tent will you?”  
  
Isak nodded, said goodbye to his friends who headed over to breakfast, and followed the commander. When the commander motioned for him to sit, he did. The commander looked through his file for quite some time.  
  
“You were one of the surgeons who survived the attack on Ullevål.”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“And yet you wanted to come down here.”  
  
“Yeah. It’s part of the reason, actually. I wanted to be able to make a difference.”  
  
“And the other part is Næsheim?” the commander asked.  
  
Isak winched.   
  
“Valtersen, I don’t judge. And I won’t meddle between you. I just need to know that you can work together if needed to?”  
  
“No problem Sir. I can do my job just fine.”  
  
“I saw that yesterday.” he continued reading the file, before putting it down. “Well, I do hear some gossip around this place and I knew Næsheim had left someone behind back in Norway to come here. Heard he ended the relationship to come back for a second tour.”  
  
“That’s true.”  
  
“So you decided to follow him?”  
  
“And to try and make a difference down here.”  
  
“Well. I’m glad to have you both.”  
  
“Thank you Sir.”  
  
“Go join your team for breakfast Valtersen. You never know when you’ll get your hands full around here.”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
Isak left the tent, and as he made his way over to his team, he made eye contact with Even. Even, who looked pissed. Beyond pissed, actually. Isak had never seen him like this. So angry. So furious. He couldn't actually remember ever seeing Even angry before. So this was something new.  
  
Isak had tried begging, crying, pleading. So now he chose a new tactic. He smirked at Even, before turning his back to him and joining his friends.  
  
“Did you just-“ Pia asked, gawking at him.  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“Ballsy.” Madeleine laughed.  
  
“I know.” Isak answered.  
  
“You know those guys always carry guns right?” Fredrik pointed out  
  
“He won’t shoot me.”  
  
“Just saying.” Fredrik shrugged.  
  
  
Isak threw a look over his shoulder, seeing Even staring at him. Isak raised an eyebrow, as if saying ‘Your move’. Even just looked furious and raised both his eyebrow, as if to say ‘what the hell are you doing’. Isak smirked again and turned back around, eating his breakfast.  


 

  
Game on.  
  
  
  
  


_Nothing comes easily_

_Where do I begin?_

_Nothing can bring me peace_

_I've lost everything_

_I just want to feel your embrace_


	13. SILHOUETTES

 

 

 

 

 

_  
It's hard letting go_

_I'm finally at peace but it feels wrong_

_Slow I'm getting up_

_My hands and feet are weaker than before_

  


 

  
EVEN’S POV  
  
  
DAYS LEFT: 200  
  
  
  
Even was pissed. He was beyond pissed. He was furious.   
  
He had broken up with Isak so he would be safe, happy, so he wouldn't have to worry. He had broken up with Isak because Isak belonged home in Norway where it was safe, while Even belonged here were it was dangerous and he couldn't put Isak through not knowing whether Even lived or died for en entire year.  
  
He had told Isak to stay. He had told him he shouldn't do this. And what did Isak do? He fucking followed him down here. To a war zone.   
  
Things had been really bad these past few weeks. The terrorists kept abducting their evacuation-teams. They had also started placing out snipers of their own, and Even’s job just kept getting more and more frustrating. They had soldiers die every other day now, and in the middle of this, Isak chose to come down here.  
  
And all Even wanted to do was pull him close and kiss him until the sun went down. But he couldn't do that. They couldn't be together. Even was a bad person, and Isak deserved someone good.  
  
-  
  
A few weeks after they had come back down, he and Aleksander had been on their way up to a rooftop, to get in position. Aleksander had suddenly grabbed his arm, pulled him close, and kissed him.  
  
It was a quick kiss. Aleksander pulled away just as quickly as he had went in for he kiss, with a grimace. “Sorry.”  
  
Even had just laughed. “What the hell?”  
  
“I just needed to know. With all the teasing and bantering and Lukas and Simon teasing me I just had to know whether what i was feeling was real or in my head.”  
  
“Did you figure it out?” Even asked with a small smile.  
  
“Yup. Definitely all in my head. That kiss felt wrong on so many levels.”  
  
“Agreed.” Even laughed, patting Aleksander’s shoulder. “Let’s get to work.”  
  
“Please tell me this won’t make things awkward?”  
  
“Why would it?”   
  
“I kissed you.”  
  
“So? It didn't mean anything.”  
  
“True. So we’ll stay friends?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
And that was it. They never brought it up again. To be honest, Even had been thinking about it a few times himself. Whether Aleksander was into him or not. He knew that he himself wasn't into anyone but Isak. He didn't think about anyone other than Isak.  
  
He fell asleep thinking about the other boy and he woke up thinking about him. He found his mind wandering to old memories whenever he had a spare moment alone. He missed Isak, with every fibre in his body. And while Aleksander may be considered hot, Even didn't even think about him like that at all.  
  
Luckily, he wouldn't have to break his heart by turning him down, seeing as Aleksander didn't feel anything for him either.  
  
Things got back to normal, with them helping out with evacuations every other day, and three times they had to go out and rescue abducted soldiers.

 

 

-

 

 

When he had entered that tent with Lukas, yelling for a medic, he hadn't imagined in his wildest dreams that he would be seeing Isak there. Which is probably why he hadn't said a single word. He had just watched Isak work.  
  
He had to say, Isak were excellent at working under pressure. And he didn't seem to suffer from PTSD anymore. If he did, he hid it well. And he had filled out, looking stronger, more fit. Even imagined him without a shirt on- Fuck. He couldn't go there. No. No way.  
  
And then Isak had just walked away, leaving Even to stare after him, still in shock.  
  
“Was that?” Lucas asked, finally connecting the dots.  
  
“Even’s ex? Yup.” Aleksander answered for him.  
  
“Holy shit. What is he doing down here?”  
  
“I have no freakin’ idea.” Even answered. But he planned on finding out.  
  
“He did an excellent job though. I mean, I have had bullets removed before and this wasn't nearly as bad as last time. And he stitched it up nice too.” Lukas said, shrugging with the shoulder he hadn't been hit in.  
  
“He doesn't belong here.” Even said, leaving the tent, going back to his bunk.  
  


-  
  
  
The next morning, he watched the commander show the new medical team around camp. He watched Isak go into the commander’s tent, and then come back out a few minutes later. And then Isak fucking smirked at him. He smirked!  
  
“Dude. He’s doing this to provoke you.” Simon laughed.  
  
“Shut it.” Even barked at him.  
  
“I say he’s succeeding as well.” Aleksander laughed.  
  
Even just ignored them, took a bite of his breakfast.  
  
“Ohh, Næsheim is pissed.” Kim and Tobias laughed.  
  
“Yes.” Even hissed at them. “I am pissed.”  
  
“Dude, just go talk to him. It’s obviously what he wants.” Aleksander said, shrugging.  
  
“Yeah. He came all this way to fight for you. Don’t be a dick. Talk to him.” Lukas said, before getting up. “I need to go and get checked out by medical, you could always join me and run into him that way?”  
  
“Nope. We need to talk in private.” Even said, getting up as well, and waking away from the table. He walked back into the bunk area where he was sleeping, and changed clothes. They weren't going out of base today, mostly because Lukas got hit yesterday.  
  
Even went for a run around base, alone for once. He needed to clear his mind. He ran around base three times before running into Isak.  
  
He had knew it would happen, Isak trying to come and talk to him. But Isak didn't talk. He just fell into step beside Even and ran with him. Even looked at Isak. He had changed. He looked stronger, healthier. He ran with ease, and stayed quiet.  
  
When they had ran another two rounds, Even figured he had enough for today. “Why?” he asked, as he slowed down to a walk.  
  
“Why what?” Isak answered.  
  
“Why are you here?”  
  
“You know why.”  
  
“I told you not to.”  
  
“After you broke up with me. Hence, you had no say in what I did or didn't do.”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“No. Sorry Even, you can’t make me leave, because you dumped me remember. And I’m tired of begging so…” the younger boy shrugged. “Come find me when you’ve changed your mind. Until then, we both have jobs to do.”  
  
And then Isak walked away from him, leaving him standing there, sweaty and out of breath. Mostly because of what Isak had said and not so much the running.  
  
Even just knew it, watching Isak walk away (and staring at his ass); he was fucked.  


  


 

_And you are folded on the bed where I rest my head_

_There's nothing I can see, darkness becomes me_

 

_But I'm already there, I'm already there_

_Wherever there is you, I will be there too_

 

 

 

 

He managed to keep away from Isak for almost a week. They ran into each other in the shower. Even with just a towel around his waist. Isak’s eyes roaming his body made Even feel like he was on fire. He grabbed his clothes and bolted before he could make a bad decision.  
  
  
Even was going out for evacuations today. Things were tense and they needed to up their game. Evacuate more of the civilians. He was watching over group 8-4-3 when they suddenly got shot at. It came form an angle he couldn't see. “Fuck!”  
  
“Command, this is Hawk-eye, unit 8-4-3 is under fire, need emergency evacuation.”  
  
“Roger that Hawk-eye. Do you have the situation under control?”  
  
“Negative.”  
  
“Unit 8-4-3, do you copy?”  
  
“Unit 8-4-3 responding. Only two of us still alive. We need a medic. Anderson won’t make it all the way back to the base.”  
  
Even cursed.   
  
“Command here, we copy. Medic team is 3 minutes out, evaluation vehicle is 7 minutes out. Hawk-eye, can you assist so the medic team can get access?”  
  
“Negative. I don’t have a visual.”  
  
“Then they will have to go in blind.”  
  
Even turned of the intercom for a second and turned to Aleksander. “Are they fucking insane?!”  
  
“I think so.” Aleksander was pale. Scared.   
  
Even turned back, pointing his sniper rifle in the general direction he had seen the shots come from. No visual. He watched the medic team arrive, and drive straight into the door, crawling out of the vehicle through one door, avoiding shots.  
  
“I’m going down there.” he told Aleksander.  
  
“Are _you_ fucking insane?”  
  
“Someone needs to take down that hostile sniper so that they can evacuate the people who got shot. You heard them, one of the soldiers down there hasn't got much time.”  
  
“Even… I- I can’t go down there.” Aleksander was white as a ghost.  
  
“Stay here. Try and have my back, yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Even grabbed his rifle, ran down the stairs and over to the building where the trapped team was. He barely made it inside, could hear a bullet rush past his ear. “Fucking asshole.” he mumbled.  
  
He took in the people in the room. The two soldiers were in rough shape. The medic team was Isak, a nurse and a regular foot soldier who had probably driven them here.

  
Fucking great.   
  
“Command, how far out is evacuation?” he asked into his intercom.  
  
“Three minutes. Can they evacuate safely?”  
  
“Negative.” Even drew a sharp breath, looked at Isak for a few seconds and then went back to the door. He needed to take that sniper down. The soldiers life depended on it. Isak’s life depended on it. He looked outside quickly, leaning his upper body out of the door opening.  
  
“Næsheim, what the fuck are you doing?!” he hear Aleksander on the intercom. “You’ll get-“  
  
A bullet grazed Even’s arm, splitting the skin open, making him cry out in pain. “-shot. Omg. What are you doing?” Aleksander continued.  
  
But the shot had been worth it. Even had made the sniper reveal his position. He grabbed his rifle, aimed, and fired. The man fell from the roof.  
  
“This is Hawk-eye, we’re all clear. Send in the evac-team.”  
  
He turned around, seeing Isak look at him with wide eyes.  
  
“I- What the hell- I-“ Isak walked over to him with a compress, trying to bandage his arm.  
  
“Don’t. It’s not life threatening, save the others.” Even waved him of. Just grabbed the compress and pushed it against the wound himself. It was bleeding a lot, but then again, he had just been hit by a sniper.   
  
He pulled away the compress and inspected the wound. Okay, that looked bad. But not life threatening. He touched the intercom again. “Lunde, get down here. It’s all clear.”  
  
“Copy. Be right there.”  
  
-  
  
In the car back, Isak tried to look at the wound again. Even refused this time as well.   
  
When they arrived back at the base, he waited until Isak was busy with operating on one of the soldiers before he asked one of the other doctors to look at the wound.  
  
“This is really deep.” the man said, frowning. Even just glared at him. Why was he using so long time, gawking at the injury instead of just sewing it up?  
  
“He used himself as a target to get the sniper to reveal his position.” Aleksander said, scoffing.  
  
“What?! What if he had hit your neck, or a major artery, or-“  
  
“He didn’t, okay? Can you just sew it up, please?” Even barked at him, a bit pissed off right now. It actually fucking hurt.  
  
“I need to check it out first-“  
  
“Then get the fuck to it! Christ how slow can you be?” Even hissed at him.  
  
The guy just jumped away from him, looking like a frightened animal.  
  
“I’ll get it.” he heard a familiar voice. Isak. Of course. Just Even’s bloody luck.  
  
The other doctor looked frightened and more than happy to leave this to Isak. Even read his name tag. Fredrik something.  
  
“Shit, this is bad Even.” Isak said, upon inspecting the wound.  
  
“Just sew it up.” Even snapped at him. He knew Isak and that other doctor had just been trying to help, but it hurt. And he probably should just say so, but he was special ops. They never complained. So he couldn't ask for painkillers.  
  
“Need to clean it first. You might have damaged a muscle here.”  
  
“Fuck. Just make it quick.” Even barked, flinching away from Isak’s touch when he tried to inspect the wound. Because; Ouch.  
  
“Even Bech Næsheim, quit the fucking attitude and sit still or God help me I will strap you to a bed.” Isak barked at him. Everyone in the tent went quiet.  
  
And then Even laughed. It was the first time someone had talked back to him since he got here. And of course that person had to be Isak. Of course. “Fine.”  
  
And so, he let Isak numb the area with anaesthetic, clean the wound and sew it up. When Isak told him he needed to stay the night, he refused. “No way.”  
  
“You can get antibiotics through an IV for a night, and the wound will probably heal fine, or you could end up with an infection and get sent home in two weeks. Your choice.” Isak shrugged.  
  
“Fine.” Even said, in a mocking voice.   
  
Isak stuck the needle in his arm, hooked up the IV and guided him over to a bed. “I’ll come back and check on you in a while.”  
  
“Does it have to be you?” Even groaned. He knew he was being a dick, but he was tired and in pain.  
  
“Yep. You are scaring everyone else who works here so yeah. It has to be me.” Isak answered him in a snippy voice, before walking away.  
  
Even groaned again. This sucked. Like, it really sucked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_There's nothing that I'd take back_

_But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret_

_Cause when I sing, you shout_

_I breathe out loud_

_You bleed, we crawl like animals_

_But when it's over, I'm still awake_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even pretended to sleep when Isak came back to check on him later. But Isak woke him up, saying he needed to eat and handed him a tray with food. Even figured there was no use in arguing and sat up, started eating. Isak sat down next to him.  
  
“You know, what you did today was really stupid Even. You could have died.”  
  
“I know-“  
  
“But it was also really fucking brave. And you saved all of our lives. Thank you.”  
  
Even was at a loss. He hadn't predicted this turn, and now he had nothing to say. So he just nodded slowly and kept eating.  
  
“I miss you.” Isak whispered.  
  
“I miss you too.” Even whispered back. He wanted to say a thousand more things. He wanted to pull Isak into his arms and never let go. He wanted to say he was sorry for being so stupid, for pushing Isak away.   
  
But he never got the chance. Isak got up from the bed, told him he needed to check on other patients, and then he was gone. Leaving Even to eat alone.  
  
-  
  
Later that night, when Even tried to fall asleep, he felt someone crawling into bed next to him. Isak. He felt a strong arm wrap around his waist, holding him tight. “Please don’t take another risk like that Even. I can’t lose you.” Isak whispered.  
  
“I’ll do my best.” Even said. He couldn't actually promise Isak anything. This was a war zone. Getting shot at was part of the package.   
  
“Even, I love you.” Isak whispered. “Please. Please don’t take another risk like that.”  
  
“Isak. I can’t promise you that. I love you too, but this is war. A battlefield.”  
  
“Love is a battlefield.” Isak whispered back.  
  
And then they drifted of to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

_A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest_

_No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me_

 

 

 

 

 

When Even woke the next morning, Isak was gone. His IV was removed and a nervous looking nurse told him he was free to leave. But that the commander had asked him to come to his tent when he woke up.  
  
Even just sighed and went straight there.  
  
“Næsheim. Hero of yesterday.” the commander greeted him.  
  
“You’re the first one to not give me a lecture.”  
  
“Oh, I will give you one. That was a reckless move. You could have died, and we can’t afford that loss. So don’t you ever pull a stunt like that again.”  
  
“There were lives at risk.”  
  
“We had a backup on route.”  
  
“The soldiers would probably have died before you could have taken that sniper down by chopper.”  
  
“True. So you made the right call. But don’t do it again.”  
  
“I’ll try not to.”  
  
“You better try hard.” the commander said sternly.  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
“Now, get some rest. I’m giving your team a week off. They can't go out without you and medical told me you needed to rest for at least a week.”  
  
“By medical you mean Isak Valtersen.”  
  
“Yes. He was apparently the only one who could handle you yesterday. The other’s were scared of you.”  
  
“Yeah, sorry about that.”  
  
“Don’t be sorry. Just stop being a dick to the medical team. They are here to keep you healthy and safe. Not to bother you. Listen to them.”  
  
“I will.”  
  
“That was all, Næsheim. Get some food, and use this week to rest.”  
  
“I’ll try.”  
  
“Good. Have a nice day Næsheim.”  
  
“You too, Sir.”  
  
  
  
Even walked out of the tent, over to the breakfast area, and nearly crashed into someone. Isak. They looked eyes.   
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“So, about last night…” Even started.  
  
“Just forget it. Be careful with that arm. See you.” Isak said, before hurrying away.  
  
Even was left to stand there, wondering what had just happened. What was going on with him and Isak? One moment, Isak was flirting with him and teasing him and holding him, the next moment he was awkward and brushed it off and ran away from him.  
  
Even was fucking confused.

 

 

 

 

_But I'm already there, I'm already there_

_Wherever there is you, I will be there too_

_But I'm already there, I'm already there_

_Wherever there is you, I will be there too  
  
  
_ The next morning Even woke up to Aleksander shaking him carefully. “Even. We have been requested to meet up at the commander’s tent.”  
  
“What time is it?” Even asked, feeling drowsy.   
  
“Four am. Quick, they said it’s an emergency.”  
  
Even groaned, got dressed (which was a pain, his arm fucking hurt) and joined the others. They walked to the tent in silence. Even wondered what this was about. They had been told they was grounded for a week due to his injury. So something must have happened for them to get called in to the commander’s tent at four in the morning.  
  
“Næsheim.” the commander greeted him as they entered. He looked pale. Panicked. “I know you got injured less than 48 hours ago. But we need you to go out on a special mission.”  
  
“What happened?” Even asked bluntly.  
  
“The military minister was coming down here, for a visit. He got grabbed at the airport. The convoy we sent to get him, they were all killed. The kidnappers sent the Norwegian government a video not long ago, demanding a ransom and that we evacuate Afghanistan in 72 hours, or they will shot him. Live, broadcasted on the internet.”  
  
“Fuck.” was all Even managed to answer. Because he knew what this meant. It didn't matter if they paid the ransom and evacuated, the military minister would get shot live anyway. To make a point.  
  
“Yes. Can you and your team go out there? I know I’m asking a lot but…”  
  
“We’ll go. I just need to go by medical and get something for the pain.” Even said.  
  
“If you're in pain, you probably shouldn’t-“  
  
“It’s only a flesh wound. I just need painkillers so I can use my arm.”  
  
“Okay. I’ll have the SUV and your gear ready in 15.”  
  
“Roger that.” Even said, before he turned to his team. “See you in fifteen.”  
  
Then he walked into the medical tent, finding Isak. He had hoped to find any of the other doctors, one who wouldn't argue.  
  
But to his surprise, Isak didn't argue. As soon as he laid eyes on him, he walked over to a medical cabinet, pulled out a syringe and a new bandage and walked over to Even. “I heard.” he just said, and removed the old bandage, injected the painkiller around the wound and put on a new bandage. “It will last for at least 6 hours. If I set any higher dosage you will lose function in the arm so yeah. This is the best I can do right now.”  
  
“Thank you Isak.”  
  
“Be careful, please?”  
  
“I will.” Even said. And before he could change his mind, he kissed Isak softly. He quickly pulled away, and before Isak had an opportunity to say anything, he left.  
  
He found his team by the SUV, nodded at them, and pulled on a helmet and bulletproof west, checking that they had the right weapons with them. He checked his pocket for extra medication. He was good for a few days. If he wasn't back at base in a few days, he was probably dead anyway. “Okay, let’s go!”

 

 

 

 

_'Cause I'm already there, I'm already there_

_Wherever there is you, I will be there too_

_I'm already there, I'm already there_

_Wherever there is you, I will be there too_


	14. HOLD BACK THE RIVER

  
  
  
_Tried to keep you close to me,_

_But life got in between_

_Tried to square not being there_

_But think that I should've been_

 

_Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes_

_Hold back the river,_

_So I can stop for a minute and see where you hide_

_Hold back the river, hold back_

 

 

 

 

EVEN’S POV  
  
  
  
Thanks to technology they had traced the signal to where the military minister was held. It was about fifty miles away from camp. Even didn't have any plan this time. None of the others could make up one either. They just needed to go in there and make it up as they go. Which was basically a suicide mission. They all knew it. But neither of them said anything.   
  
They drove as close as they could without being detected, and then they went on foot. It was hot and horrible and terrifying every step of the way.   
  
The signal ended near a cliff, so Even figured they were inside the mountain somehow. Which meant that now they needed to find their way in.   
  
“If any of you want to back out now, I won’t hold it against you. This is going to be a suicide mission. We might not make it. We all might die. So if you're not one hundred percent sure, back out now.” Even told his team.  
  
None of them were willing to back out. Not even Aleksander. Even had expected him to back out at some point, given how shaky he had been during their last evacuation round. But now he held his ground, looking stronger than ever.   
  
“Fine. Let’s find our way into this hornets nest.”  
  
Fifteen minutes later they did. They managed to surprise the guard and while he hated doing things this way, Even stabbed the man in the neck. He saw the life leave his eyes, and it chilled him to the bone. One thing was being a sniper, and shooting someone far away. Another thing was close combat.   
  
If he said that it didn't haunt him, having to kill people, he would be lying. He didn't like killing someone. But he knew that he had to, in order to protect his own men. But killing unarmed people? He would never be able to live with that. And the look on the mans face as he realised he was dying, would probably haunt Even to the day he died.  
  
But it had been necessary. They needed to save the military minister. Not because his life was worth any more than the life of the soldier Even just killed. But because this was a political war. If the ISIS executed a Norwegian military minister online, for the world to see, it would possibly mean a new war. Everyone sided with Norway would enter the fight. Others would side with Afghanistan. It could possibly mean a new world war.   
  
So Even, and his team, knew one thing for sure. They needed to stop this from ending up on the internet. If they couldn't get the minister out alive, they would have to kill him before the ISIS could do it on camera.  
  
They got inside the facility, and worked their way through every room. It was far to quiet in there. Which meant that there was a high possibility of this being a trap.  
  
They located the cell the minister was kept in, and managed to get him out. They had put silencers on their weapons, and took out two guards. Then it went quiet. They started walking back the same way they came in, taking out two more guards.  
  
They managed to get the military minister outside, but then all hell broke lose. Apparently the terrorist group had called in backup.   
  
“Take him to the car!” Simon, Kim and Aleksander stayed behind, holding off fire while Even, Lukas and Tobias ran with the minister. But they had nowhere to go. Now half of Even’s team was pinned down between their car and a hill, the other half about 50 meters away behind some rocks.  
  
“This is unit SO, requesting chopper evac.” Even yelled into his intercom.   
  
“Roger that unit SO, a chopper will take of shortly.”  
  
Even saw Aleksander take a hit to the vest and go down. He cursed. “Make sure they have a medic on board, one of my men just went down.”  
  
“Copy that unit SO, the chopper is leaving in 3.”  
  
Now Even just had to figure out a way to get Aleksander over to his location, so they could evacuate both him and the military minister at the same time, and without putting the pilot and medic in danger.  
  
This was turning out to be a really bad day.  
  
“Hey Lukas, please tell me you have a great idea.”  
  
“Actually, I do.”  
  
“Let’s hear it.”  


 

 

 

 

_Once upon a different life_

_We rode our bikes into the sky_

_But now we're caught against the tide_

_Those distant days all flashing by_

 

_Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes_

_Hold back the river,_

_So I can stop for a minute and be by your side_

_Hold back the river, hold back_

 

_  
_

 

In the end, Lukas managed run over to the others, then drag Aleksander over to Even’s position while Even, Tobias, Kim and Simon fired against the terrorists.  
  
And just in time for the chopper to arrive. Kim and Simon kept firing while Even helped getting the military minister and Aleksander onboard the chopper. Lukas jumped in too, holding back the fire from the terrorists.  
  
Of all the medics on base, they had sent Isak. Of course they had. What a fucking fantastic day.   
  
“Go!” Even yelled at the chopper pilot.  
  
“You have to come with us, Næsheim.” Lukas said. Even looked from Aleksander, to Lukas, to Tobias and then over to Kim and Simon.  
  
“No. Tobias, go with them. I have to save Kim and Simon.”  
  
“There is no way they're getting out of there alive Næsheim!” Tobias argued.  
  
“I’m not leaving them behind. Now go! Aleksander doesn't have much time, that rifle ammo went straight through his west. And also the military minister needs medical attention. Go.”  
  
“Even…” Isak said, eyes filled with tears.  
  
“Save my team-mate.” Even just replied, and took a second to look the younger boy in the yes. Blue met green, an unspoken ‘i love you’ said between them. Then he turned around, not looking back, and started firing again. He heard the chopper take off. He looked over to where Simon and Kim was trapped.  
  
He made a quick count. The terrorists were about 40 or so. They had snipers and machine-guns and plenty of coverage. Even, Simon and Kim barely had any ammo left.  
  
They were all truly fucked right now.  
  
-  
  
Or, maybe they wasn’t. Even peeked inside their car. His sniper rifle was there. If he could just reach it… He tried, and got shot in the arm. The same fucking arm he already had been shot in less than 72 hours ago. He looked over at Simon and Kim, and they realised what he was trying to do. They started firing at the enemy, and Even managed to get his rifle and some ammo.   
  
He also got them some ammo, and managed to throw it over to them.   
  
He assessed his situation. He was pinned down. There were no way he could rig himself a place, his only chance was firing while standing. The rifle was heavy and his arm hurt. This was going to be hard.  
  
But there was no other way out. He took a deep breath, adjusted his sight and got to his feet, firing at the terrorists. He took down one. Two. Three. Four. Then he had to duck. He grabbed a grenade from his west. Yelled for the others to get down. Threw it, and as it went of, creating a smoke that hid him, and blocked both his and the enemies sight for a bit, and he got up and started firing again.  
  
This went on for hours. When he had taken down one of the last terrorists, Even fell to his knees, exhausted. Simon and Kim were finally able to make their way over, taking down the last two on their way.  
  
“Næsheim.”  
  
“Næsheim, are you hit?”  
  
“No. I mean yes. I think I might have ripped my stitches.” Even said, and groaned.  
  
“That, and you're bleeding a lot. The stitches both ripped and there is a bullet in your arm.” Simon said, and found something to bandage the wound with.   
  
Even yelled out in pain as Simon tightened the bandage. His arm was so painful he almost passed out. He had a feeling the old wound was getting infected. And they needed to get out of here, incase there was backup on their way.  
  
But the car was a dead end. It was shot to bits. All of their intercoms were dead. All they had left were four bottles of water and a few rounds of ammo. And they were over 40 miles away from base.  
  
What a fantastic day, Even thought, with great irony.

 

 

_-  
_

  
  
They just started walking. In the desert. It was about 40 degrees celsius and they had very limited water resources. And Even’s arm was throbbing. Simon carried his rifle for him. And they walked. They tried to rest whenever they found shade, but they knew they couldn't stay out here for long. If they sat down somewhere they would be sitting ducks. So they kept moving.  
  
When it got dark, the temperature went down a bit. It helped, made it easier to walk. But they still had a long walk ahead of them.  
  
“Guys? I’m sorry I fucked up.” Even said.  
  
“Wasn’t your fault they were so many.” Simon said.  
  
“Yeah, but I should have made you guys go with the minister instead. Then you would be back at base now.” Even replied.  
  
“And you would be dead.” Kim pointed out.  
  
“If we don’t get back soon, we will all be dead.” Even said.  
  
“We’ll make it.” Simon countered, stubbornly.  
  
“I’m not sure if I can guys.” Even admitted. He was dizzy. He knew he had lost a lot of blood. He should have listened to Isak.  
  
Isak. He should have made things right with Isak. He should have picked Isak over this stupid job. He should have pulled him into his arms and kissed him the minute he saw him down here. He should have accepted the forgiveness and taken Isak back. He should have just stayed home when Isak had begged him not to end the relationship.   
  
He should have never cheated on Isak in the first place. He should have found a way to talk to Isak when Marianne died, instead of letting Isak much him away. He should have helped Isak, instead of fleeing. He should have never ever gone down to this fucking hell hole.  
  
“I fucked up so bad. Oh my god. And I will never get a chance to make things right. Fuck. I’m such a dick. A stupid one at that.”  
  
“I guess you are referring to your relationship now?” Simon questioned.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Well, then you just have to make it back. You have to make it back so you can make things right.”  
  
“I can’t get back up on my feet. I think I lost too much blood. I’m dizzy. Just leave me here, save yourselves.”  
  
Even knew he couldn't walk all the way back. The possibility of a rescue team coming out to get them was slim. Because there were none. They were the rescue team. It would be too dangerous to send out anyone else. So unless Kim and Simon abandoned him here, they would all die out here. Maybe they would anyway.   
  
“After you just saved our lives? No way.” Kim said stubbornly. And Even just didn't have it in him to fight him.   
  
Kim and Simon grabbed one of Even’s arms each, and helped him his feet. Then they started to walk. But Even knew it was pointless. There were too many miles left. They would never make it. They were out of water, and soon the sun would rise again. And then there would be game over. He could feel himself losing consciousness. He didn't fight it. He knew that if he just drifted away now, it would probably be less painful than dying of thirst…  
  
His eyes started dropping. He tried fighting it, tried keeping himself conscious and on his feet, so the burden would be lighter for Simon and Kim. But after he while he couldn’t. He’s eyes dropped and he felt himself fading away…  
  


 

  
  
_Lonely water, lonely water,_

_Won't you let us wander?_

_Let us hold each other?_

_Lonely water, lonely water,_

_Won't you let us wander?_

_Let us hold each other?_

 

  


 

  
When Even opened his eyes, he was in the medical tent back at base. He had to blink a few times before his vision cleared. He was on a bed, dressed in a hospital gown and there was a fresh bandage on his arm. There were several IV’s hooked up to him, and he didn't feel any pain.  
  
He looked around him. In the bed next to him was Aleksander. And the other boy was smiling at him. “Hey, look who decided to join the land of the living.” Aleksander joked.  
  
“How did I get here?” Even asked, confused.  
  
“You’re chipped, stupid. And Valtersen made a big fuss. As soon as daylight arrived the commander requested the help of the american special ops team and they went out to get you guys. You were nearly dead. Simon and Kim was dehydrated.”  
  
“I-. How. How did you survive? I saw that bullet hit you in the chest!”  
  
“Only penetrated about a centimetre of flesh, and didn't hit my heart. Hurt like a bitch, which is why I passed out. Still hurts when I move.”  
  
“And the minister?”  
  
“Safe and sound. Just dehydrated and bruised. You saved everyone, Even.”  
  
“Well, I almost got myself, Simon and Kim killed.”  
  
“You stayed behind to save them. Not many people would have.”  
  
“I’m the team leader. They're my responsibility.”  
  
“Even. Just accept that they're calling you a hero.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“Shut up and accept it.”  
  
“Fine.” he said, annoyed. He didn't feel like any kind of hero.  
  
And just then, Isak appeared. “I see you feel better, bantering with your team-mate and all.” he smirked.  
  
“Yeah. How long have I been out, exactly?” Even asked.  
  
“Four days.”  
  
“What?!”   
  
“You lost a lot of blood and were severely dehydrated. I had to remove the bullet and sew you back up. The scar is going to be horrible. And you were starting to get an infection. You kind of slept for four days. I was starting to get worried, actually ordered a head CT this morning just to be safe. You’re all clear though. The infection is gone and the wound is healing. So apart from the pulling all the stitches and nearly bleeding to death, you’re fine. You're staying here for at least another night, maybe more.”  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“Nope, none-negotiable.”  
  
“I know, not what I was trying to say.”  
  
“Then what?”  
  
“Thank you. For saving my life.”  
  
“You saved mine. I just returned the favour.” Isak replied with a shrug, then walked away.  
  
Even watched him walk away, wanting to say something else, something more. Wanting to tell him he was sorry, telling him he regretted it all. That he had been stupid and selfish and to beg for forgiveness even if he didn't deserve any. Tell him he loved him, telling him he wanted him back.  
  
“You need to make things right with him Even.” Aleksander said, pulling Even out of his train of thoughts.   
  
“I know. I just don't know how.”  
  
“For the love of god, you two are so oblivious. You're both pining for each other, thinking the other one doesn't want a relationship.” Aleksander raised his eyebrow, clearly annoyed.  
  
“How did you-“ Even asked, confused.  
  
“He has spent every available moment by your bed. Every single second.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“We’re in a middle of a war zone. We nearly died. What do you have to lose? Just ask for his forgiveness, ask for him to take you back, fucking hell, ask him to marry you, because we might die tomorrow and then you will have wasted your chance to be with him.” Aleksander sounded kind of angry now, but Even got the message.  
  
“I know. You’re right.”  
  
“Damn straight I am. Or gay. I don’t know.”   
  
And then they were laughing, until they both hurt. Even then they kept laughing, unable to stop themselves. “Oh my god, I don’t know who I am anymore Even Bech Næsheim. I thought I had it figured out, but then I suddenly thought I was falling in love with you. But it was just an illusion, something I made up in my mind. My head kept playing these tricks on me and I can’t seem to ever figure out who I am or what I want to do anymore. I almost died five days ago and I still wanna stay here. What kind of idiot does that? Anyway, you know who you are and what you want. So go get it. Not all of us is that fortunate.”  
  
“You’ll figure it out.” Even said, smiling at his friend.  
  
“Yeah… Just. Just do me a favour? When you do go after him, to get him back again; get your shit together and treat him right Even.”  
  
“I will.” Even said. “I promise I will.”  
  
  
  
Later that night, when he couldn't sleep, he grabbed his phone. He had asked Lukas to bring it to him earlier when he came by to visit. He looked around the tent, seeing that Isak wasn't there tonight. Quickly, he typed up a text.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
I don’t do yoga, never tried Pilates

Not many people want me at their parties

Tryna find my place, some place

And I drink a little more than recommended

This world ain’t exactly what my heart expected

Tryna find my way someway

 

 

See, c’est la vie

Maybe something’s wrong with me

But at least I am free, I am free

Yeah, c’est la vie

Maybe something’s wrong with me

But, hey, at least I am free, I am free

 

 

  
  
The answer came a few minutes later.

  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN

 

We both have demons, that we can't stand

I love your demons, like devils can

If you're self-seeking an honest man

Then stop deceiving,

Lord, please

  
  
Even smiled. As he was about to answer, a second text came.  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
You’re supposed to sleep. Rest. Doctors orders ;)  


 

Even smiled.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
I will. I promise :)

 

 

 

And he did. As he laid in the hospital bed, waiting for sleep to come, he made up a plan to talk to Isak. Isak had told him to come find him when he changed his mind. And he had. So he was.  
  


 

 

 

_Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes_

_Hold back the river,_

_So I can stop for a minute and be by your side_

_Hold back the river_

_Hold..._

 

 

_Lonely water, lonely water,_

_Won't you let us wander?_

_Let us hold each other?_

_Lonely water, lonely water,_

_Won't you let us wander?_

_Let us hold each other?_


	15. HOLD ON

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I have for now. I promise I will write the rest as soon as I can, I have the story all done in my head, I just need some time to write it down.
> 
> Until then, here's a extra long chapter!

_Loving and fighting_

_Accusing, united_

_I can't imagine a world with you gone_

_The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of_

_I'd be so lost if you left me alone_

_You locked yourself in the bathroom_

_Lying on the floor when I break through_

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

_Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me"_

 

  
  
EVEN’S POV  
  
  
  
Waking up the next morning he felt a lot better. He looked around, trying to see if Aleksander was awake, but the other boy was sleeping.   
  
He thought about last night. About their conversation, about talking to Isak. Making things right. Asking for a second chance. He decided that there were no time like the present so he sat up in bed. Only to fall back down, dizzy as hell. Okay, so maybe he would have to get Isak to come to him then. When the nurse came over to check up on him, he asked for Isak.  
  
“He’s not on call today. They gave him a few days of.” she answered.  
  
“Why?” Even asked.  
  
“He didn't tell you what happened?” she questioned.  
  
“No?” What was going on? Even was starting to panic. Something was wrong.  
  
She pulled up a chair, and sat down next to him. “I’m Madeleine by the way, one of the nurses who came down here with Isak.”  
  
“Okay. What is going on Madeleine?”  
  
She sighed. “I probably should let Isak tell you this himself, but whatever. You need to know.”  
  
“Know what?”  
  
“When they brought you in, you had lost so much blood your heart was barely beating. You needed a blood transfusion. But with all the injuries lately, we are kind of short on well, everything. The thing is, your blood type is rare. So rare that the only compatible donor who was fit to donate, happened to be Isak. And with the amount you needed to survive, it almost killed him. He donated to the point of passing out three days in a row, and spent those nights in a hospital bed. The night before he woke up he felt better so we signed him out. He insisted on staying on call until you were fine. So when you woke up yesterday and were fine, we sent him away to rest.”  
  
“He risked his life… for mine?”  
  
“Why are you even the tiniest bit surprised by that Næsheim?” she smiled.  
  
“Because I don’t deserve it. Or him.”  
  
“That might be, but he loves you none the less.”  
  
“I need to talk to him.”  
  
“That we can agree on. But it won’t be today. You are not getting out of here in a couple of more days.”  
  
“Can you ask him to come here?”  
  
“Nope. Letting him rest.”  
  
“Please.”  
  
“You have waited this long to talk to him. You can wait a few more days.” she said, got up from her chair, and left.  
  
Even groaned, and reached for his phone.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Can we talk?  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Not up for it today.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
Madeleine told me what you did for me. Thank you. I didn’t deserve that.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
  
Stop saying stuff like that about yourself. It hurts.  
  
  
  
During their first year as a couple, Even had tried to kill himself. He wasn't proud of it. But those words. He remembered Isak saying those words. He had woken up in the hospital, saying he wished he was dead because he was worthless and didn't deserve Isak’s love.  
  
“Stop saying stuff like that about yourself. It hurts.” Isak had said to him, before breaking down in tears.  
  
Even had never tried to do it again. He looked at his arm now. Saw the faint scars of his stupid mistakes. Felt his chest tighten. He had caused Isak pain again. And again. And again. And now he didn't even know how to make things right.  
  
-  
  
  
He waited for Aleksander to wake up, so he could ask him his advise. But breakfast came and went and the other boy never opened his eyes. The nurses kept checking on him again and again. When lunchtime arrived, they paged in that female doctor. And the doctor Even had snapped at a few weeks ago.  
  
“His vitals are dropping. What’s going on, he was fine… Someone page Valtersen. Now!”  
  
They wheeled Aleksander away. Even felt himself panicking, but no-one came to update him on anything. He texted the others on his team. They didn't know anything either, but they came and kept him company.  
  
“He was fine yesterday. He’s been fine since he got here. They said the injury wasn't that bad." Lukas said, shaking his head.  
  
“Last night he was giving me advice on how to fix my fucked up relationship and today he just.. didn't wake up.” Even mumbled.   
  
“What advice did he give you?” Simon asked, trying to change the subject.  
  
“To talk to Isak.”  
  
“And?”  
  
Even just showed them the texts. And then explained why Isak’s words had hurt so much. And they sat in silence, baffled.  
  
“You tried to kill yourself? You?” Kim asked, baffled.  
  
“Yeah.” Even said. Flipped his wrists so they could see the faint scars. “Like I said the first time I met you, I have a lot of baggage.”  
  
“And like I said, we all do.” Lukas said, patting Even’s healthy arm.  
  
“Enough about me anyway. We need to focus on Aleksander.” Even said.  
  
“There is nothing we can do for him.”  
  
“We can pray.”  
  
“Didn’t peg you for the religious type Næsheim.” Kim snorted.  
  
“I’m not. But right now I’m willing to believe in just about everything if that means Aleksander is going to be okay.”  
  
“With you on that.” Tobias nodded.

 

 

 

 

 

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you_

 

Hours stretched on, but eventually they wheeled Aleksander’s bed back and he was still breathing. Isak walked in after him, gave Madeleine a few instructions and was about to leave when Lukas grabbed his shoulder gently. “What happened?”  
  
Isak turned to look at them, and sighed. He pulled up the chair next to Even’s bed and collapsed in it. “Turns out the bullet Aleksander was shot with was laced with venom. We figured out the right antiserum in time, but it did a number on his heart so it was touch and go for a while. They’ll give it to you too Næsheim, just in case.”  
  
Hearing Isak say his last name, like he was just another stranger, stung. But he probably deserved it.  
  
“Venom? Why did it take such a long time for it to work?” Lukas questioned.  
  
“Slow working poison. Took a while for it to kick in I guess. Fucking assholes.” Isak looked so tired, and Even wished he could do anything for him.   
  
He tried sitting up again, slower this time. He managed. “Isak…” he said weakly.  
  
The other boys took the hint and just quickly and quietly left them.  
  
“Save it Even.”  
  
“Isak please…”  
  
“No. I can’t do it. I can’t listen to you telling me all the reasons why we won’t work and why we can’t be together. And I can’t listen to you talking trash about yourself. So save it.” he made a motion to get up and leave.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“No. I can’t listen to it.”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“I said no.”  
  
“ISAK!”  
  
“No Even, NO! I’m not doing this with you again because it fucking hurts!”  
  
“I love you!” Even practically shrieked.   
  
“… what?”  
  
“That’s what I’m trying to say. I love you.”  
  
“So what. You said that the night you left me as well.”  
  
“And I regret that.”  
  
“Do you?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Then why did you do it?”  
  
“Because I thought it was right.”  
  
“And now you've changed your mind?”  
  
“Yes. Because life is short and I love you. And I know I will never ever be able to deserve your forgiveness, but I’m going to beg you for it anyway. I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life making it up to you.”  
  
“Even, I-“  
  
“You’re tired. Come here.”  
  
“Even.”  
  
“Just come here. Lay down next to me. Sleep. Just please don’t leave me, not tonight.”  
  
“I don’t know.” Isak whispered.  
  
“Please.” Even pleaded.  
  
Isak looked conflicted, before he just caved in, and crawled into bed with Even, laying down on his uninjured arm and falling asleep within seconds.  
  
And Even held him tight and slowly fell asleep too.

 

 

-  
  
When he woke up Isak was gone. He turned around, and found Aleksander awake.   
  
“Aleksander.” he said, and sat up slowly. No dizziness this time.  
  
“Even.” Aleksander smiled at him. “So, did you speak to Isak last night? Seeing as he spent the night in your bed.”  
  
“I- Not really. He was too tired to talk about everything so I just… kind of forced him to sleep next to me.”  
  
“Ah. Well, you should try again today then.”  
  
“If he’ll let me.”  
  
“You have to keep trying, everyday, until he’s willing to listen. And if he tells you to back of then, to go away and leave him alone, you got to respect that.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Take it from a man who saw death in the eye yesterday; life is short.”  
  
“Yeah. I know.”  
  
Isak didn't return to the medical tent for the rest of the day and when Even tried texting or calling him he didn't answer. So when night came, Even fell into a restless sleep.  
  
  
-  
  
Waking up the next morning, Madeleine had removed his IV and told him he was discharged and could go eat breakfast with his team instead.  
  
Even said goodbye to Aleksander and got dressed in his uniform, before heading over to the eating area. He picked up some food and headed over to his team.   
  
“Hey, look who’s back!” Lukas smiled at him.  
  
“Hey boys.” Even smiled.  
  
“So, how did the talk go? How’s Aleksander?”  
  
“Aleksander is fine. The talk didn't lead anywhere, he was too tired and I don’t know what the right words are anyway.”  
  
“Try again then.” he heard a voice behind him. He turned around, coming face to face with Isak.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“That happens to be my name. Come for a walk? And take that sandwich to go, you need to eat.”  
  
Even just did as he said, grabbed his sandwich and water bottle and followed the younger boy, leaving his team behind.  
  
They walked in silence until Even had finished eating. He took a few sips of water and offered the bottle to Isak, who accepted it. Handing it back, the younger boy begun speaking.  
  
“I thought about what you said the other night. I also thought about everything that happened between us. Can I ask you questions, without you getting upset and taking it the wrong way?”  
  
“Sure. I mean, I’ll try my best at least.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“Okay, then, ask away.” Even said, biting his lip nervously.  
  
“Why Sonja?”  
  
Fuck. There it was. He had known it deep down, that it would come up.  
  
“Because… Because I don’t know. I don’t remember exactly how it started. I met her at a party. And I was so drunk. And I made a stupid decision. And then she started messing with my head, telling me that you would just dump me anyway and I let her. I let her manipulate me.” he said, shaking his head. “I was so stupid. I still am stupid.”  
  
“You’re not stupid.” Isak countered. “Did you feel anything for her at all?”  
  
“No.” Even responded instantly. Because he never had. Not once.  
  
“Not once? Not at all?”  
  
“No. Never.”  
  
“How about the rest of it? The- The others?”  
  
“Never. The only time I felt something was when I was high. But I knew deep down how bad that was for my health, so I didn't smoke all that much. I guess I tried to find that high another way. I failed. I fucked up. I AM stupid. Because it’s the only excuse for doing something like this to you.”  
  
“I don’t think you're stupid Even. I think you were hurting too.”  
  
“I should have been the one comforting you. When you mom died. And I wasn’t.”  
  
“I wouldn't let you, remember?”  
  
“I should have forced you to let me in. But I just backed away, so far away I ruined us.”  
  
“I should have let you in. I saw it in your eyes, the hurt and the pain of being shut out. And I kept pushing and pushing until you cheated. And then I just… I found myself not caring. Because if I let myself care, then the hurt of losing mom would seep in and consume me and I just. I fucked up too Even.”  
  
“I think I fucked up worse Isak.”  
  
“Maybe. But we’re here now. Together. And that’s all that matters.”  
  
“I haven't earned your forgiveness yet.”  
  
“Maybe not. But I have a feeling you will.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. Definitely.” Isak smiled at him, grabbed him by the neck and pulled him in for a kiss.  
  
And Even let him, kissing back with a smile on his lips. They broke apart, continued to walk.  
  
“The moment you told me you I probably wouldn't make it. That fucking hurt. Just so you know. You have so little faith in me.” Isak said, eyes glued to the ground.  
  
“I did it to try and make you stay at home, where it was safe.”  
  
“I know. It just. It still hurts, knowing you hurt me on purpose, just o make me stay away.”  
  
“I’m sorry I said that. What can I do to make it up to you?”  
  
“Not die?”  
  
Even laughed slightly. “I’ll do my very best.”  


 

 

 

_A long endless highway, you're silent beside me_

_Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from_

_Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'_

_Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones_

_They took you away on a table_

_I pace back and fourth as you lay still_

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

_Can you hear me screaming, "please don't leave me"_

 

 

 

 

“Can we spend some time together today?” Even asked, hopeful. He knew he was asking a lot, Isak probably wanted to do other things.   
  
“We can. But I have something I need to do today.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Erhm, mandatory target practice. I’m what they call ‘a lousy shot’.” Isak looked a little embarrassed.   
  
“Mandatory? Ouch.” Even couldn't help but laugh.  
  
“Don’t laugh at me! That won’t earn you any forgiveness.” Isak said, though his voice told Even he was only joking.  
  
“Fine, fine. You can join my team, and we’ll help you.”  
  
“Your team? The best snipers on this camp? I think I’ll pass, I can’t stand the embarrassment.”  
  
“I promise no teasing. Or, very limited teasing, because if you are as bad as you claim I will have to laugh a little.”  
  
“Well, I’m supposed to go with my own team you know.”  
  
“I’ll ask the commander. We can take your whole team. I mean, since I can’t actually do anything right now, I can teach instead.”  
  
“Fine.” Isak said, sighing. “But if they make fun of me, you have to make it up to me later.”  
  
“Make it up to you how?” Even asked, smiling.  
  
Isak just smirked.  
  
-  
  
The commander was more than okay with the medical team going with the special ops team to target practice. The only one not happy with the agreement was the other male doctor on Isak’s team. Fredrik. The one Even had been mean to. Even made sure to keep his distance.  
  
They walked out to the practice area, Even, Lukas, Simon, Kim and Tobias carrying the equipment. Well, Even only carried with one arm, since the other one was kind of… unusable.   
  


 

“Oh my holy lord!” Even barked with laughter. This was truly hysterical. Isak was so shitty at this it was a miracle they had passed him. How had they passed him? “How the fuck did you pass the test?” he coughed out.  
  
“I didn’t. I came down here as a medic, remember? I just… i didn't kill anyone on the test so they let it go.”  
  
“Oh my. Hahahahahaha.” Simon was bending over from laughter. “This is hysterical.”  
  
“Oh just shut up and fucking teach me then!” Isak groaned.  
  
Even continued laughing, and made his way over. He grabbed the sniper rifle with one arm, which was kind of tricky, and adjusted the sight slightly, firing at the target. Hitting bullseye. The boys cheered, Isak groaned. Even laughed.  
  
“Show off!” Madeleine laughed.  
  
“Agreed.” Isak mumbled, grumpily.  
  
“Here.” Even said, and placed Isak’s arms and hands in the right position, guiding him. “Just aim for the middle. Hold your breath, and pull the trigger. Don’t panic. Just take your time. Breathe in, and out a couple of times first. Calm down. You’ve got it?”  
  
“I think so?” Isak answered, uncertain undertone in his voice.  
  
“Relax your shoulders, hold your breath, and fire.”  
  
And Isak did, hitting the target this time. Not a bullseye, but much better than before.  
  
“See, I told you that you could do it.” Even smiled.  
  
“Well, no. You didn’t, actually. Your exact words when I said I wanted to come down here were ‘you probably won’t make it’.” Isak said.  
  
Well, ouch. He had expected Isak to keep giving him a hard time about that. But it still stung.  
  
“Oh snap.” Simon said.   
  
“I’m sorry Isak.” Even just said, ignoring Simon. “Like I said earlier, I just wanted you to be safe, to stay home. I wanted you to live your life and I wanted you to hate me so you didn't come after me.”  
  
“Didn’t work out huh?” Isak said, lifting an eyebrow.  
  
“Nope. And I’m thankful for that.”  
  
“So you changed your mind? You want me to be at risk?” Isak challenged.  
  
“I want you to be with me. Wherever we are I want us to be together.”  
  
“Me too.” Isak smiled sincerely.  
  
“Aww, how cute.” Lukas mocked. Even flipped him off.  
  
“I think I need a trip to the dentist.” Fredrik said with disgust in his voice.  
  
“Make sure you take a trip to the eye-doctor as well, because you're not much better at this than Isak.” Simon laughed.   
  
Fredrik didn't even answer, he just looked pissed off.  
  
And just like that, the moment was broken. They kept practicing until lunch, Isak slowly getting better at it.   
  
“I know I told you before that you couldn't do it, but I take it back Isak. You're more than good enough to be down here. Fact is, if you hadn't come down here, I might be dead right now. Aleksander too.” Even told him as they walked back together. Isak had volunteered to carry Even’s rifle.   
  
“Thank you. And this thing is fucking heavy by the way.”  
  
“Want me to take it myself?”  
  
“I’ll manage.”  
  
“Thank you for helping me.”  
  
“You helped me practice.” Isak shrugged. They entered the room Even and his team shared and Isak placed the rifle next to Even’s bed. “Lunch?”  
  
“Yes. Want to come sit with us?” Even offered, hopeful.  
  
“Nah. Maybe another time. We can meet up later?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
They walked together to the lunch area to get food, and then went separate ways. Even walked over to his team and sat down. He looked over at Isak, who was sitting with his own team.   
  
“Aww, you can’t stay away from him, can you?” Simon mocked.  
  
“Knock it off.” Even laughed.  
  
“It’s fine Even. We’re happy for you, you know-“ Lukas started talking as their attention got attracted to the situation over at the medical team’s table. Fredrik appeared to be yelling something at Isak, who was yelling back, and Madeleine was stepping into the middle.   
  
Lukas and Even exchanged looks, and then they all walked together over there.   
  
“What’s going on here?” Simon asked.  
  
“Oh great, your backup has arrived Valtersen.” Fredrik mocked.  
  
“Fucking knock it of Fredrik, I swear to god.” Madeleine snapped.  
  
“Or you will do what, exactly? Remember I outrank you, so butt out.” Fredrik hissed.  
  
“Yeah, but I don’t.” Isak said. “So you either apologise or we will take this to the commander.”  
  
“Apologise! Hah! As if I ever would.” Fredrik laughed, mockingly.   
  
“What the hell is going on here?” Lukas asked again, directly to Fredrik this time.  
  
“None of your business.” Fredrik hissed.  
  
“He called Isak a fucking useless faggot.” Pia said, her voice telling how angry she was. She practically spat the words.  
  
“What?” Even said, now turning to Isak. “Is this true?”  
  
Isak looked like he was on the verge of tears. He nodded slowly, and that was all Even needed. He lifted the arm that wasn't injured and punched Fredrik so hard in the face the other man fell over. Then he nodded to Simon and Lukas, who picked Fredrik up and dragged him over to the commander’s tent.  
  
“Isak.” Even said, touching the younger boy’s arm. Isak pulled away. “Isak, please. Why did he say those things to you?”  
  
“Because Isak defended you. Fredrik thinks you are a dick, and doesn't exactly hide his feelings about it.”  
  
“Isak… I’m so sorry.” Even said, not sure what to do right now.  
  
“I’m fine.” Isak whispered, then got up from the table and bolted away. Even was about to go after him, but Madeleine grabbed him.   
  
“I’ll go. Go and deal with Fredrik instead.” she said.  
  
Even walked into the commander’s tent, where Lukas and Simon still were holding Fredrik down.  
  
“Næsheim! Punching the medical team, really?”  
  
“He called Valtersen a faggot, sir.”  
  
“What?!” the commander’s attention shifted, glaring at Fredrik now. “Why?”  
  
“Because it’s true.” Fredrik spat.  
  
“I do not tolerate homophobia or racism of any kind here and you know that Fredrik Lind.”  
  
“I don’t care. I fucking hate this place. And I’m tired of working under a fucking faggot kid who has less medical experience than me.”  
  
“Yet he’s better than you.” Lukas pointed out.  
  
“Fuck you. I hate you guys. You walk around here like you are worth so much more than the rest of us. I’m tired of your bullshit. And can you fucking LET ME GO?” Fredrik started yelling.  
  
Lukas and Simon looked to the commander for instructions, and he shook his head.   
  
Fredrik just started yelling, like a crazy person. No words, he just screamed. The commander paged medical and a doctor from another medical team came and sat some kind of sedative. When it started kicking in, Simon and Lukas helped them bring him away.   
  
Even stayed in the commander’s tent. “Look, Sir, I know that punching people isn't okay, but knowing Isak personally I just flipped when that guy called him those words. Because Isak had a really hard time accepting himself and-“  
  
“Næsheim I’m not mad.”  
  
“.. you're not?”  
  
“I would have done the same thing. A punch to the face is tolerable. Calling someone offensive slurs like that is not. But I don’t think he actually meant it. At least not all of it. He’s just having a mental breakdown. It’s too much for him, being down here. I’ve seen this before. I will have him sent home as soon as possible.”  
  
Even just nodded.  
  
“You are free to leave. Thank you for stepping in.”  
  
“No problem sir.”  
  
Even walked out of the tent, wondering what he should do next. He didn't know where Isak’s sleeping quarters was, so he couldn't go after him. Slowly, he walked back to his own room instead, finding Tobias and Kim there.  
  
“So?” Tobias asked.  
  
“Their sending the asshole home.”  
  
“And Isak?” Kim asked.  
  
“I don’t even know how to find him.”  
  
“You don’t need to.” he heard Lukas voice from the door. He stepped in with Simon and Isak. “Guys, how about we give these two some space?”  
  
When Even and Isak were alone and the door closed behind the boys, Isak just kept standing close to the door.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“I just… I wanted to say thank you.” Isak whispered, and then turned around to leave.  
  
“Isak, don’t go.”  
  
“Even, I just… i just need some space right now. I… I can’t breathe.” Isak was obviously crying. Even got up and walked over to him. Isak was still with his back to him. Carefully and very slowly he wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist and pulled him close. And the younger boy just let him, collapsing in his arms, sobbing. Even’s arm hurt like a bitch, but he managed to carry Isak back to his bunk and sat down, pulled the younger boy into his lap.  
  
“Oh Isak. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” Even whispered, and held him close.  
  
Isak didn't answer, he just cried. And Even let him. After a few hours the cries died down, but Even didn't let go and Isak made no motion to move.  
  
When the team came back, Isak tried getting up. “I should leave.” he whispered.  
  
“No no, just stay. It’s fine, seriously!” Lukas said, and the other boys nodded.  
  
Isak turned his head and looked at Even, and Even just smiled at him. “You can stay. Will you stay the night?”  
  
“Yes. Thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome. Want to go and get something to eat before we sleep?”  
  
“I- yeah. Can I sit with you?”  
  
“Of course you can!” Simon smiled.  
  
They all walked to the dining area together and Even watched as his team tried to cheer Isak up. He was so grateful for them. They really were the best people he knew.  
  
After dinner, as they walked back to their room to sleep, Even grabbed Isak’s hand. He felt the other boy flinch and try to pull away.  
  
“Isak. Don’t let him get to you. You are perfect just they way you are. I love you, and I’m proud to let everyone know. Don’t let the words of a guy with a mental breakdown get to you.”  
  
“I try not to. But it hurts.” Isak whispered.  
  
Even pulled him into his arms. “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.” Isak whispered.  
  
“Let’s go to sleep, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
And so they walked into the room and Even let Isak borrow a t-shirt to sleep in, before they curled up in bed together.  
  
  


 

 

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you_

 

 

 

 

The next morning, after breakfast, they all got called into a common area. The commander had something to say.  
  
Even wasn't sure whether this was good or bad.   
  
“Welcome anyone. This morning I got a call from the US military. Thanks to our courageous special ops team and their rescue mission last week, we found the location of the terrorist organisation known as ISIS. The americans went back in and took out the rest of the group. Since then we have negotiated with the Afghanistan government. And I am proud to say that as of today, this country is at peace. No more evacuations. We have been asked to stay and help rebuild the country by the UN, and so have a lot of other countries. I accepted. So tomorrow, we start rebuilding this country and treat the natives medically. I do have to say, we still might encounter some people out there who is hostile, so we are going to stay armed and on the alert.”  
  
Even smiled. This was good. This meant they were safer. Maybe he would get to the chance to ask Isak to marry him after all. He looked at his boyfriend (or where they boyfriends again?), sitting over by the medical team. He was so beautiful.  
  
“I need our special ops team to come meet me in my tent in ten minutes, the rest of you are free to go.” the commander finished.  


 

-

 

 

“Næsheim. How’s that arm?”  
  
“Healing. Slowly and painfully and itchy.”  
  
The commander laughed. “Glad to hear it. We will start in a few days, and I need you guys on the roofs, just like before. Only this time, you probably won’t have too much to do up there. Just a safety precaution.”  
  
“Fine by me.” Even shrugged.  
  
The rest of the team agreed as well.  
  
“Good. Use these next few days to rest. I know Lunde can’t join you for another week, and since you are still healing Næsheim, you are going to just accompany Raven-team this week.”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
“You are all dismissed. Go have fun. We have won a war. And you will get medals when we get back home. All of you.”  
  
They walked out of the tent and the rest of the team went to play some football. Even went to find Isak. He didn't have to look long, the younger boy was waiting for him on Even’s bed.   
  
Even had been thinking about this for a while, so he decided to just ask. “Isak?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I… I-“  
  
“Even. Why are you so nervous?”  
  
“Because I’m going to ask you something and I think I will die if you say no.”  
  
Isak smiled. Like he knew. “Even. Just ask.”  
  
“Isak Valtersen. We are in a war-zone. Yes, they just declared peace, but anything can still happen. Life is short. Love is a battlefield. I love you, with my heart and soul, and I will love you forever. Will you marry me?”  
  
“Even-“  
  
“I know I have a lot to make up for. I know you can’t forgive me yet and I’ll work on earning that forgiveness every day for the rest of our lives.”  
  
“Even-“  
  
“I know I have been a bad boyfriend in the past, but I promise to change. I promise I can be a better man, for you. I love you Isak, I-“  
  
“EVEN!”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“I- What?”  
  
“Yes, I will marry you.” Isak said, smiling so brightly, his green eyes shining.  
  
“You will?”  
  
“Yes. A thousand times yes!” Isak laughed, and then threw his arms around Even’s neck, kissing him deeply.  


 

 

 

_I don't wanna let go_

_I know I'm not that strong_

_I just wanna hear you_

_Saying baby, let's go home_

_Let's go home_

_Yeah, I just wanna take you home_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going back out with Simon and Lukas and just watching was a little boring. But it was fine. His arm needed the rest anyway. And he got to spend some time with the boys.  
  
“So, how are things with you and Isak?” Lukas asked.  
  
“We’re getting there.”  
  
“You look fine?” Simon questioned. “I mean, he agreed to marry you. And he has slept next to you for a couple of days now, clinging to your side.”  
  
“Well, we have issues to work through, I mean, I cheated, we spent two years not speaking and we need to talk about all of that.”  
  
“I understand.” Simon said. “Well, treat him right this time around, or we will hunt you down and kick your ass.”  
  
“Oh yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, we made a pact the other day, when we were playing football. Aleksander is in too. We all like Isak so if you're mean to him again we have to beat your ass.” Lukas shrugged.   
  
Even laughed.  
  
“Shit.” Simon cursed.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Even. I know your arm hurts and all but I need you to take my place.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“There’s a situation down there. You are the team-leader. And better at making decision than me.”  
  
Even just took over for Simon, looking through the sight of the rifle, feeling his heart stop.   
  
A child, probably around five years old, were pointing a gun at the medical team. At Isak and Madeleine and their patient. They were treating a woman with a broken arm.   
  
“Do they have intercoms on?” Even asked.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Good.” Even said, and touched the intercom on his ear. “Isak, I need you to slowly walk to the left.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“To drag his attention away from the patient and Madeleine.”  
  
Isak moved. “I suppose you have a plan, or do you want me to die?” he asked.  
  
“I will count to three. You will dive down to your left. It will hurt. But do it anyway, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“One… Two… Three.” Isak dived to the left, Even fired the rifle, and hit the gun, shooting it out of the child’s hands.   
  
Simon was already on his way down there before Even had to say anything.  
  
“How is everyone?” Even asked.   
  
“Even.” He heard Isak say weakly.   
  
Even looked through the scope again. The woman the medical team had been treating had picked up the gun, now pointing it at Isak. Well fuck. Even took a deep breath, and then shot her. He watched her fall down, gun falling from her hand.  
  
“Everyone okay?” Even asked, as he watched Simon grab the gun and put it away.  
  
Simon answered. “I think Isak might have broken something. Woman is dead. Madeleine is in shock.”   
  
“We’re going back to base.” Even said, started packing up the rifle as Lukas requested someone to pick them up.   
  
“What about the child?” He heard Isak ask.  
  
“We take him in.”  
  
“His a kid. We are not arresting a kid.” Isak protested.  
  
“No. We are taking him back to get him some help. Jeez, I know I’m an asshole, but seriously? I just saved your life and you thank me by insulting me?”  
  
Everyone laughed. Everyone except Isak. Okay, so maybe that had been a bad joke.  
  
When he got down on the street, he walked right over to Isak, pulled him carefully into his arms. “I’m sorry.” he whispered, as Isak begun sobbing. “You’re okay. It’s fine. You’re okay.”  
  
-  
  
When they got back, Pia took x-rays of Isak. It wasn't a break but a fracture. Isak was in a lot of pain anyway, so they gave him painkillers and something to sleep on. Even watched Madeleine stitch up the kid’s hand, and accompanied them to the tent were people speaking the native language were, explaining the situation and leaving the child in their care.   
  
Then they walked back.  
  
“Why did you ask Isak to draw his attention and not me? You could have asked me to walk to the side and then dive.”  
  
“Thought crossed my mind.”  
  
“But you chose him because..?”  
  
“Because then the angle of the shot would cause less damage to the kid’s hand.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yup. I am trained to do this. I know what I’m doing. I didn't ask him because I didn’t trust you to follow instructions. Had you been standing where he was I would have asked you instead.”  
  
“I… Sorry for questioning your judgement.”  
  
“Don’t be. I do it everyday myself.”  
  
“You’re a good guy Even. Believe it.”  
  
“I try. But I just made my boyfriend fracture his collarbone.”  
  
“True. But you saved our lives.”  
  
“Well. I have a feeling he will hold this over my head for like, the rest of my life anyway.” Even laughed.   
  
“Maybe. But probably not.” Madeleine smiled. They had reached the medical tent. “You technically can’t stay here tonight. Rules. But I’m willing to bend them, if you want to stay with Isak.”  
  
“I appreciate it.” Even smiled, following her inside and sitting down next to Isak’s bed.  
  
When night fell, he decided against crawling into the bed, afraid of hurting Isak more, so he just grabbed a blanket and curled up in the chair next to Isak’s bed.  
  
  
-  
  
  
The next morning he was woken up by someone knocking over a tray. And so was Isak.   
  
“Hey.” Even said softly.  
  
“You made me fracture my collarbone.” Isak said.  
  
“I saved your life.”  
  
“By making me fracture my collarbone.”  
  
“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”  
  
“Not a frickin’ chance.” Isak laughed, then yelped at the pain.  
  
“I’m sorry baby.” Even said softly.  
  
“Just shut up and get me some painkillers.” Isak groaned.  
  
So Even did just that. And he brought them both breakfast.  
  
“Does this mean I have to go home?” Isak asked.  
  
“I don’t know.” Even admitted.  
  
“I don’t want to leave you. No now.”  
  
“i know. How long does a collarbone take to heal?”  
  
“Weeks.” Isak groaned again.  
  
“I am sorry.”  
  
“Stop saying that. I’m not mad at you. You saved us from what could have been a messy situation. How’s the kid?”  
  
“In the hands of specialists.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“I can go ask the commander what will happen next?”  
  
“Yes. But stay for a little while first.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Even?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  


 

 

 

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song in this chapter;
> 
> \- Hold on, Chord Overstreet
> 
> I heard this one in the season finale of the vampire diaries and it kind of felt right for this story. The lyrics, the meaning. I just love this song.


	16. I LIVED

_Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall_

_Hope when the water rises, you built a wall_

_Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name_

_Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay_  
  
  
ISAK’S POV  
  
  
DAYS LEFT: 90  
  
  
  
His collarbone healed faster than anticipated. Probably because everyone forces him to rest as much as possible. After four weeks, he felt no more pain. And since he could work as long as he didn't move his shoulder too much, he was back on his feet and working again after a week of rest. Doing simple stuff lite sutures and stuff. Which meant he didn't have to be sent home.  
  
Even came and visited him every day while he was in the medical tent. And as soon as he was allowed to leave, Even insisted that Isak should move into their room. Well, it had been Lukas’ idea. But yeah. They had put in another bed next to Even’s and Isak was staying there now. He liked it. He slept better, knowing he was surrounded by the best soldiers on camp. And being next to Even gave his soul peace. He had missed the other boy so much. He had been fine on his own. But now he felt more whole. Complete. Like he had found the part of himself that was missing.  
  
Aleksander made a full recovery and was back out with the team. Isak watched them leave every morning to go out and help in the field, and waited nervously for them to come back every night. And they did come back. Every night. There were no more abductions. No more rescue missions. And very little injuries.   
  
At first, he had been so sure he had managed to just forgive Even. But the older boy kept insisting that he didn't deserve it. Not yet. That he had to earn it. And the more Isak thought about it, the more he agreed. They needed to work through this together. They still talked about stuff every now and again. When the others were sleeping, and neither of them slept.  
  
“What happened to that boy you saved the day we… broke up?”  
  
“I don’t know. I signed the case away when I left. We stopped talking.”  
  
“Why did you pick him? I’m just curious.”  
  
“Because I knew he was madly in love with me.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“And you never felt anything for him?”  
  
“No. I mean, at one point I wished I did. But I didn’t. You're the only one for me. I know it sounds cheesy, but It’s true. It’s only ever been you.”  
  
“It’s only ever been you too.”  
  
When he was cleared by Pia, who bent and stretched his arm in every direction and took x-rays to confirm the break was healed, he started using his free time to train again. And with the lack of patients these days he had a lot.  
  
The first few nights he had spent in the hospital had been together with Aleksander and Fredrik. Isak had slept so badly, being so close to a person who hated him so much. But Fredrik had just slept up until they took him away and sent him home. Pia had made sure he stayed drugged down. She claimed it was because it was easier for the medical team to handle things that way, being two men down and everything, but Isak knew it had been for him. For his sake. He appreciated it.  
  
As the weeks kept stretching on, he regained most of his strength. He trained with Madeleine whenever they both where off, needing her help to push himself to the max. The day Pia had cleared him, it had been about 90 days left. Now there was 60.  
  
And tomorrow Even and his team had the day of. Isak hadn't told his boyfriend… no, fiancé, that he had started working out again. He was planning on surprising him by joining them for training tomorrow.  
  
He had been talking to Jonas and Eva every other week since he got down here. He hadn't told them about the engagement. Knowing how Jonas felt about Even, he didn't look forward to that conversation.  
  
But he figured today would be as good a day as any. He had been lifting weights with Madeleine, showered and eaten lunch, they had zero patients right now and he was all out of books to read.  
  
He crawled onto his bed, picked up his phone and dialled Jonas’ number.  
  
“Isak!”  
  
“Hey Jonas.”  
  
“What the fuck dude, you haven't called me in eight, only responded to a few texts. I was seriously getting worried about you.”  
  
“Sorry. I kind of broke my collarbone and a lot of stuff was going on and I have something I really wanted to tell you but I wasn't sure if I could handle your reaction so-“  
  
“Isak. You're rambling.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“You got back together with Even, didn't you?” Jonas didn't hide his disapproval.  
  
“Yes. Actually, he… he asked me to marry him.”  
  
“What?!”  
  
“And I said yes.”  
  
“What?!”  
  
“Jonas. Please don’t be mad-“  
  
“I’m not.”  
  
“… you're not?”  
  
“No. I mean, yes, I still don’t trust him. And I’m pissed at him for cheating and leaving in the first place and all that. But if this is what you really want Isak, I support you. You know I do. And I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me. Because you can always talk to me.”  
  
Isak could feel tears pressing in his eyes. “Thank you.” he whispered.  
  
“So. You broke your collarbone?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“Well…” Isak started, and then told Jonas about the day.  
  
“Seriously? He made you break your collarbone?” Jonas was laughing now.  
  
“I have a vague memory of saying something along those lines to him when I woke up in the hospital the next day. I also think I promised to never let him live it down. Despite saving my life and all that.”  
  
Jonas just laugh. “Does this mean I can tease him for it too?”  
  
“Sure.” Isak laughed. “How are things back home?”  
  
“Silje asks about you all the time. Eva worries about you. But life is normal, fine. We’re all fine. I went to visit your dad the other day.”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“He has sobered up Isak. Checked himself into rehab. Heard about it from Magnus, he saw him when he drove his mother to therapy one day.”  
  
“He… what?”  
  
“He told me he just woke up one day, in the pool of his own vomit and decided he wanted to be a better man. A better father to his kids. A better father to you.”  
  
“I… I don’t know what to say to this.”  
  
“You don’t have to say anything. Just wanted you to know that he’s trying.”  
  
“Yeah. Thank you.”  
  
“And sitting there talking to him I realised one thing.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“If I can forgive him for how he treated you, I can forgive Even too, if he really is planning on making it up to you.”  
  
“He is. Every day. He spends every available moment making sure I’m fine.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. I… I didn't tell you this, but right around the time I stopped calling, there was a incident.”  
  
“You told me about Even almost dying.”  
  
“Not that. This happened after.”  
  
“Tell me Isak.”  
  
“One of my co-workers, the other male doctor on my team he… he broke down, the pressure being to much for him down here.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“And he called me some things.”  
  
“Isak…”  
  
“I don’t even know if I can say the words out loud Jonas.” Isak whispered.  
  
“Isak, I-“  
  
Isak took a deep breath, and then just blurted it out. “He called me a fucking useless faggot.”  
  
“… What? What the actual fuck?”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“And no-one did anything?” Jonas sounded angry.  
  
“Even punched him. In the face. So hard he fell over.”  
  
“Good. Ten points to Even.” Jonas still sounded angry, but the anger was not towards Even this time.  
  
“So now you like him?” Isak joked.  
  
“I like him when he treats you right. What happened to the fucker?”  
  
“They drugged him down and sent him home.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“But I just… It got to me, Jonas. I know it shouldn’t, but I felt like that 17 year old again who was in the closet and terrified of everyone hating me and I just… panicked.”  
  
“But..?”  
  
“But Even helped me through it. And then he made me break my collarbone.” He laughed after the last part.   
  
“I’m happy for you Isak. I really am. And I promise to try my best to forgive Even. As long as he keeps treating you right.”  
  
“I feel so relived to hear that. I mean, you're my best friend. I need you to be my best man at the wedding, and if you hated my husband that would be weird. And it was kind of weird saying the word husband. Oh my god.” he laughed.  
  
“You’ll get used to it. And I’ll be honoured to be your best man Isak.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“Call me more often from now on, will you?”  
  
“I will. Bye Jonas.”  
  
“Bye Isak. Take care.”  
  
“You too.”  
  


 

 

 

_Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad_

_The only way you can know is give it all you have_

_And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain_

_Hope when the moment comes, you'll say..._

 

 

 

  
When they walked to dinner that night after the team had returned and showered and changed, Even was grumpy. Isak wanted to ask him about it, but Aleksander shook his head, telling him it was best to leave it alone.  
  
But as the meal stretched on and the silence became awkward, he just couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
“Okay, what the hell guys? Why the mood?” He blurted out. They all stared at him, so he threw his arms in the air. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been cooped up here for weeks and don’t know anything and you won’t tell me so…”  
  
“Someone from the resistance bombed one of the houses that had been rebuilt today. No-one got hurt but Even missed the shot. He’s bummed because he didn't get the guy in time.” Simon explained.  
  
“Fuck you Simon.” Even barked, and just got up and walked away.  
  
Isak was left, open mouthed, in shock. What the actual hell.  
  
“He doesn't deal well with failure.” Lukas said, shrugging.  
  
“But no-one died?” Isak questioned, watching Even walk back to the sleeping area.  
  
“Nope. I think he has something else on his mind, bothering him.”  
  
“He was fine this morning.”  
  
“He hasn't been fine since you broke your collarbone Isak.” Aleksander said.  
  
“What?” How had he not seen it if something was wrong with Even?  
  
“Go and talk to him.” Kim just said, shrugging.  
  
So Isak did. He told the boys he would see them later, and walked after Even. On his way to the sleeping area, he tried to figure out what could be wrong. Was it something he had done? Something he had said? He searched his mind, but couldn't find anything.  
  
He entered the room and found Even sitting on his bed. “Even?” he asked carefully.  
  
The older boy didn't answer.  
  
“Even, what’s wrong?”  
  
“I’m fine.” Even said, not meeting his eyes.   
  
Isak walked over and sat on the edge of Even’s bed. “No you're not. And I’m sorry I haven't noticed. But can you just talk to me? Is it something I did or said? Is it-“  
  
“You won’t kiss me.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You haven't kissed me, or touched me, ever since that day when you broke your collarbone. So I just… do you hate me for that? Because I’m sorry, I just didn't see another way. I can’t handle shooting kids. It fucks up my head-“  
  
“Even.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Isak didn't bother saying anything else, he just crawled into the older boy’s lap and kissed him softly. “I’m sorry. I didn't even think about it.”  
  
“So you're not mad?”  
  
“Not the slightest. I will hold it over your head forever because it’s kind of funny now that it doesn't hurt anymore. But the reason for me not kissing and touching you is partly the pain I was in. It hurt just to breathe. And we’re always around the other boys and you know how I feel about PDA, especially after what happened with Fredrik and-“  
  
“Isak. I get it. I’m stupid.”  
  
“You’re not.”  
  
“I should have just talked to you.”  
  
“You should. But you’re not stupid Even.”  
  
“I don’t deserve you, you know that?” Even whispered, before kissing Isak’s neck softly.  
  
“You do. Stop saying you don’t. You’re perfect Even.” Isak whispered back, and kissed him softly on the lips. “And I manned up today and called Jonas.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Told him about us getting married.”  
  
“Ouch. i guess he will be coming after me with a rifle when we land in Oslo then.” Even laughed.  
  
“Nope. He’s willing to forgive you.”  
  
“Really?” Even asked, just as shocked as Isak had been.  
  
“Really. And he told me something else.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“My dad. He went to rehab. Sobered up.”  
  
“What?!”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Wow.” Even took a minute to process all this information. “Well. I don’t even know what to say.”  
  
“Me neither. Except one thing.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I love you Even Bech Næsheim.”  
  
“I love you too.” Even whispered.  
  
Isak leaned in, and kissed hi softly. Only this time, when he tried pulling away, Even didn't let him. He only deepened the kiss, and started pulling at Isak’s t-shirt.  
  
Isak spent a second panicking about someone walking in, but then he realised he didn't care. So he just kissed Even back, and lifted his arms so Even could get the t-shirt of.  
  
-  
  
Luckily, the guys didn't come back until much later. In fact, Isak and Even managed shower and get changed and were sitting crosslegged on the bed playing cards when the boys returned. But it was apparently visible on their faces or something, because Simon claimed to have won a bet and everyone laughed. Isak blushed, but decided he didn't care. It had been soooo worth it.  
  
“So, we talked with a couple of the other teams on the base while you two where in here humping each other.” Simon smiled.  
  
Isak just groaned.  
  
“And?” Even asked, trying to keep a straight face, but failing and laughing at Isak’s pained expression.  
  
“We’re going to have a wrestling match tomorrow. Well, unofficial and all that, just for fun. Everyone is allowed to join in.” Lukas smiled, and Isak could swear he was bouncing up and down like an excited child.  
  
“Cool.” Even said.  
  
“You’re in, right?” Kim asked. “Your arm is fine again, isn't it doc?” he asked Isak.  
  
Isak just nodded. “Yup. I’m in too.”  
  
“What? No, you just got back on your feet!” Even protested.  
  
“I got cleared four weeks ago Even. It’s healed. I’ve also been training for four weeks. Think I’ll be fine.”  
  
“Wait. What? You trained without me?”  
  
“You’ve been out every day these past weeks. I trained with Madeleine.” Isak shrugged.  
  
“Oh my god, you two should wrestle tomorrow!” Aleksander said.  
  
“Why?” Even asked suspiciously.  
  
“Yeah, Even will win in a matter of seconds, no offence Valtersen, but you're kind of tiny.” Lukas said.  
  
“Hey. I’m sure I can take him.” Isak laughed.  
  
“Oh really now?” Even challenged, raising his eyebrows.  
  
“I’m sure as hell gonna try now.” Isak challenged right back. And then everyone burst out laughing.  
  
“I get it. Lunde here want’s to see some gay action. I see. No porn available so this will be the closest thing. You want us to drench them in oil first as well, huh?” Simon teased.  
  
This only resulted in a very red Aleksander and more hysterical laughter.  
  
When it finally died down, Even grabbed Isak’s hand. “We don’t have too. I believe you, you could probably take me. No use in risking another injury just to prove it.”  
  
“Oh, so you're scared you will get hurt again? Don’t worry big boy, I will stitch you up.” Isak laughed and patted Even on the shoulder, before getting up and going over to his own bed, gathering his stuff and going to brush his teeth.  
  
He was halfway there when Even caught up with him. “So we’re wrestling tomorrow then?”  
  
“And don’t you dare let me win just to be nice.”  
  
“Not a chance in hell.” Even laughed, before he grabbed Isak carefully and pulled him in for a kiss.  
  
Isak kissed him back, and then they went to brush their teeth, and then go to bed. Separate beds this time. Just because, awkward. 

 

 

 

 

_I, I did it all_

_I, I did it all_

_I owned every second that this world could give_

_I saw so many places, the things that I did_

_With every broken bone, I swear I lived_

 

 

 

 

 

After breakfast, they meet up with almost everyone else on camp and found a suited place. The commander had given them permission to do this, he was even coming to watch. Isak was a little nervous to be honest. He wasn't exactly sure how strong Even really was. They had never wrestled before and Even hadn’t exactly shown him how strong he was in anyway.  
  
Well, he might have pinned Isak down on the bed once or twice… but not against Isak’s will. So yeah. Isak was nervous.  
  
They watched a few guys wrestle each other, guys from teams he didn't know. Probably the guys who previously had been on the evacuation teams.   
  
It was entertaining, people cheering and yelling and laughing and boys pushing each other down in the dirt. Isak found himself enjoying it. It was actually quite funny, and a nice change from their serious and dangerous life.  
  
Madeleine and Pia tried, but the latter didn't stand a chance. They just laughed it off, and came to sit with Isak.  
  
“You’re going to try?”  
  
“I promised to go against Even.”  
  
“What?” Madeleine spluttered. “That’s insane!”  
  
“Thank’s for the confidence.” Isak replied dryly.  
  
“Sorry, just… I’ll come to your funeral?” Madeleine offered, and then all three of them where laughing.  
  
They watched Lukas and Simon wrestle, the latter winning. Kim taking down Aleksander and Tobias taking down Kim after that.  
  
“No, now it’s time for Næsheim!” Lukas laughed as Kim got back on his feet, groaning.  
  
“No-one in camp will challenge him!” Someone laughed.  
  
“Valtersen. You still game?” Lukas asked.   
  
Isak swallowed hard, and eyed his fiancé. He was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt today, showing off his impressive arm muscles. “Sure.” he said.  
  
Walking into the ring, he regretted this. He was going to taste the dirt. In like a second. But he was not giving in without a fight. He took a deep breath, flexed his muscles and smiled devilishly at Even. “Ready?”  
  
“Bring it on baby.” Even laughed.  
  
And Isak did. And he nearly managed to get Even down on the ground, by the element of surprise. And much to Isak’s surprise, the fight was pretty even. But Even was a bit stronger than him so he ended up winning.  
  
Accepting Even’s hand to get back on his feet, Isak found himself smiling. “That was fun.”  
  
“It was.”  
  
“But remind me to never piss you off. I wouldn’t stand a chance.” Isak laughed.  
  
“I think you did fine.” Aleksander said, patting his shoulder.  
  
“Yeah, but if he ever want’s to pin me down I would never be able to escape.” Isak laughed.  
  
Even just smiled at the comment, he didn't laugh. Isak looked at him questionably and Even motioned for them to step aside. Isak complied.  
  
“What?” Isak asked when they were out of hearing range.  
  
“I would never hold you down against your will Isak.”  
  
“I know that, I didn’t-“  
  
“But you said that. You said I could. And I just… Isak.” Even looked so conflicted, and lost for words, that Isak finally realised what he meant.  
  
“Even… Shit. I didn’t mean it like that I swear. Fuck. I’m so sorry, okay?”  
  
“Just… Just don’t say stuff like that again, okay? Because I would never hurt you or force you to do anything you don’t want to.”  
  
“I know. I’m sorry. I know.” Isak said, pulling Even into a hug, not caring who saw them. “I didn't mean it like that.”  
  
“I would never hurt you Isak. I mean, I know I did hurt you, but I would never physically hurt you in any way.”  
  
“I know Even. I know.”  
  
“And I know you probably can’t ever forgive me for the emotional hurt I’ve caused you and that’s fine. I will spend my life making it up to you. But I just can’t even imagine hurting you like… like that.”   
  
Isak grabbed Even’s face carefully and kissed him softly. “I know.” he whispered softly.  
  
When he pulled apart, he saw a single tear fall from Even’s eye. Green eyes meeting blue. “I love you Even. And I trust you. And I forgive you. I really do.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
They kissed again.

 

  
  
Isak pulled away, smiled at Even and asked softly; “Wanna go again?”  
  
“Nah. Not right away anyway. But you should.” Even smirked at him.   
  
So Isak did, against Aleksander. And this time, he won. Even cheered him on, earning some teasing from his own team. Simon challenged him next, not really believing that a surgeon could take down a special ops member. But when Isak managed to take him down too, Even had to go again to regain the team’s honour.  
  
“Ready for round two Valtersen?” Even egged.  
  
“It’s not really fair you know. You’ve been resting for half an hour now and I’m a little tired.”  
  
“So you’re admitting defeat before we start?”  
  
“Never.” Isak smirked.  
  
He didn't win against Even this time either. And Even won against both him and Tobias. And as the day dragged on, they decided they had enough. Walking back to take a shower and get some lunch, Isak and Even walked hand in hand.

 

“Less than two months left now.” Isak said.  
  
“You exited to go home?”  
  
“I miss my friends. And I miss real showers and beds and I even miss the cold.”  
  
Even laughed. “Me too.”  
  
“But as long as I’m with you, it doesn't really matter where I am.”  
  
“Me too.”

 

 

 

 

_Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up_

_And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup_

_Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain_

_But until my moment comes, I'll say..._

 

_I, I did it all_

_I, I did it all_

_I owned every second that this world could give_

_I saw so many places, the things that I did_

_With every broken bone, I swear I lived_

  
  
  
  
DAYS LEFT: 2  
  
  
The commander had asked them to come into his tent, both him and Even. With only two days to go, Isak figured it was either a good or a bad thing. Maybe the war was back on? And they would be asked to stay? Isak was fine with being down here, but he was longing for home. He was ready to see Eva and Jonas and Silje again. To go see his dad. To get married. But he knew Even would stay if asked, so he would to. Where ever Even went, he would go too.  
  
“Næsheim, Valtersen. I heard you're getting married? Congratulations. And safe travels home in a few days.”  
  
“Thank you sir. Why did you ask us in here?” Even asked, cutting straight to the point.  
  
“Well, you have both done a great service down here. I was wondering if you intend on staying in special ops Næsheim?”   
  
Even looked at Isak, like he wanted his approval or disapproval. Isak just nodded. Even belonged on the team. Forcing him to have a job he didn't enjoy had been part of what broke them apart in the first place. Isak wanted Even to be happy.   
  
“Yes sir.”  
  
“And you Valtersen? Would you like to serve another tour?”  
  
“Maybe. I have my job back home. And I’m not the best soldier.”  
  
“But you have saved a lot of lives these past 200 days.”  
  
“Yes. I’ll consider it.” Isak said.  
  
“Good. Because we might need you down in Syria in a few months if it doesn't stabilise there by then.”  
  
“A few months?” Even questioned. They were getting married in a few months.  
  
“Guess we’ll have to have the wedding earlier then.” Isak said, shrugging.  
  
The commander smiled at them.  
  
  
When they walked out a few minuted later, Even grabbed him by the arm. “Are you sure you are okay with this?” he looked nervous, unsure.  
  
Isak smiled, and kissed him quickly on the lips.  
  
“I don’t care where we are, as long as we’re together Even.”  
  
  
-  


  
DAYS LEFT: 0  
  
  
  
The flight back home were spent sleeping. Isak rested his head on Even’s shoulder and Even rested his on Isak’s head.  
  
They exited the plane and went through security and found Jonas, Eva and Silje waiting to pick them up.  
  
“Heroes, heroes!” Silje cheered, running over to them.   
  
Isak laughed, and picked up the little girl, hugging her, and then handing her over to Even who also hugged her.   
  
“Bro!” Jonas said, pulling Isak into a hug. “Oh my god I’ve missed you.”  
  
“I’ve missed you too.”  
  
Jonas turned to Even. “Even.” he said.  
  
“Jonas.” Even replied, setting Silje down.  
  
The two men stared at each other for a few seconds, before Jonas just smiled, and hugged Even as well. Isak smiled fondly. Maybe things would work out.  
  
Both Isak and Even hugged Eva, before the three of them started walking to the car, Isak carrying Silje again, who pulled at his uniform and asked him multiple questions. When they arrived by the car and Eva took Silje to put her into her carseat, Isak bumped his shoulder against Even’s.  
  
“Hey, remember that time you woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me what our song was?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I finally figured it out. Our song.”  
  
“Yeah?” Even smiled excitedly.  
  
Isak pulled up his phone, showing it to Even on spotify. “How about this one?”  
  
“I think it’s perfect.”  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

_With every broken bone, I swear I lived._

_With every broken bone, I swear I..._

 

_I, I did it all_

_I, I did it all_

_I owned every second that this world could give_

_I saw so many places, the things that I did_

_With every broken bone, I swear I lived._

 

 

_I swear I lived._


	17. SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW

 

 

 

_I walked across an empty land_

_I knew the pathway like the back of my hand_

_I felt the earth beneath my feet_

_Sat by the river, and it made me complete_

  
  
  
ISAK’S POV  
  
He was standing in a church. They had been home for four weeks now. They decided to move the wedding up, so that they would be able to have a honeymoon and some time at home before they had to leave again. If they had to leave again. As he heard the song starting to play he felt a smile on his lips. He was ready. He had been ready for this moment for years. No matter where they were going, as long as they were together, everything would be fine.  
  
Seeing as they were both male and neither wanted the other to play the female role in this wedding, they both walked down the aisle. Even with his mother, and Isak with his father. Equality.   
  
  
-  
  
  
  
_As soon as they had come home and gotten a good night’s sleep (yes, they both stayed at Eva and Jonas’ place) they both went to visit Terje together. And invite him to the wedding._  
  
And Terje had been so happy to see them both, asked them questions about what it had been like over there and hugged Isak a lot. Since that day Isak had visited his dad every day until he got out of rehab. And he had asked him to walk him down the aisle.  
  
“Isak…” his father had been in tears. “Of course I will.”  
  
“I love you dad. I know I wasn't always the kindest son. And I know I blamed you a lot for… everything. But I love you.  
  
“I love you too son. So so much.”  
  
  
-  
  
  
Isak looked at his father as they begun walking down the aisle.   
  
“You ready?” Terje asked, smiling brightly.  
  
“Yes.” Isak answered breathlessly.  
  
“I’m proud of you son. Your mother would have been too.”  
  
“Thanks dad.”  
  
It was more beautiful than he could ever have imagined. Seeing Even standing there, waiting for him at the end of the aisle. The flower-decorations. Silje as a flower girl. Jonas standing there, smiling brightly at him. Isak was sure his own smile couldn't have been brighter if he tried.   
  
Walking up and standing next to Even, he almost lost his voice. “Hey.” he breathed out.  
  
“Hey.” Even smiled back.  
  
“Ready?”  
  
“Always.”  
  
They had chosen to write their own vows. 

  
“Isak. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I would love you forever. I know it sounds like a cliche, and I don’t really care. I only care about you and us and how much I love you. I loved you then. I’ve loved you since I was 19. I will love you forever. And I know I have screwed up in the past. But I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Because you're worth it. Isak Valtersen, I love you, with my heart, body and soul. You're my soulmate. Forever.”  
  
“Even. I’ve loved you since I was 17. I took some time to accept it and myself, but I’ve loved you every day since then. I lost sight of that along the way, but found my way back. To you. Even if I had to fly to the other side of the planet and fight through a war, I found my way back to you. I will go to the end of the earth for you Even Bech Næsheim. I love you, forever. You're my soulmate. My love. My forever after. I will love you till the day I die.”   
  
  
  


_Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?_

_I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

_I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin_  
  
  
  
The reception had been just as beautiful as the ceremony itself. Isak had watched his father talk with Even’s parents, play with Silje and dance with Eva. And he didn't seem one bit interested in the alcohol. Neither was Even. Isak was on his third glass of champagne when Even grabbed his arm and whispered in his ear to slow down.  
  
Isak laughed. “Are you watching out for me?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“I thought that was my job, _Næsheim_.”  
  
“It’s Valtersen-Næsheim actually and you're right. We have to watch out for each other.” Even smirked and dragged him out on the dance floor.  
  
“Right. That’s going to make things awkward when we go back down, don’t you think?”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Us sharing a last name. Well never know whether they need a medic or a sniper.”  
  
“We’ll manage.” Even laughed.  
  
“We will.” Isak smiled fondly.  
  
“So we’re going back down then?”  
  
“If they need us. But you promised me a honeymoon first.”  
  
“And we will go on one.”  
  
“And I just realised that we need to buy a new apartment.”  
  
“We have time for that later.”  
  
“Yes. We do.”  
  
They danced to a few more songs, and then there was time for best man speeches.  
  
Aleksander went first.  
  
“When I first met Even, I had only heard about him from rumours. I was actually a bit scared of him, he had quite an impressive resume. But when I got to know him, I learned what a softy he really is.” People laughed. “But I also learned how big his heart is. How much he cares about others. How brilliant he is at his job. How he is willing to sacrifice so much for the ones he love and care about. And after spending more than a year together in Afghanistan, seeing horrible things every day, I am so glad to be standing here today to see my best friend get the man of his dreams. I learned to know Isak a bit while we where down there. And I’ve never met a couple who fits more than these two. I’ve also never met to people so stubborn and oblivious.” more laughter. “They took some time, finding their way back. But it was a privilege to watch. And it’s a privilege to be here today, and witness them having this moment, witness them sharing this happiness. I love you both, and I wish you all the best. A toast, to Even and Isak!”  
  
Everyone cheered, and when Isak lifted his champagne glass this time, Even didn't stop him, but simply lifted his own, smiling. Isak could swear he saw tears in Even’s eyes.  
  
Next up was Jonas.  
  
“I have known Isak since we were kids. I have watched him grow, adapt and become the amazing person he is today. I have watched him fight and struggle to get where he is. And I am so proud to be his friend. Through thick and thin, hell or high water, we have stuck by each other. Which is why I am ashamed of how negative I was when he wanted to go down to Afghanistan. Because Isak is smart, and I knew deep down it was the right thing for him to do, to go after Even. I guess I was just scared of never seeing him again. But I’m so glad he went against me and went anyway. Because I don’t think I’ve ever seen Isak this happy. And it warms my heart. Like he told me before he left; Love conquers all. And love is a battlefield. Ever since he admitted to me at 17 what I had known all along, I have watched Isak grow into this magnificent person, with Even by his side. Like Aleksander said, it is a privilege to be here today, to see you two get you happily forever after. Isak, Even, I love you guys. I wish you the best of luck, but I don’t think you need it. I have this feeling, that as long as you're both together, you will be fine. To Isak and Even!”  
  
Now Isak was the one crying. And he didn't care one bit, he just leaned his head on Even’s shoulder and cried, smiling.  
  
  
  
  


 

_I came across a fallen tree_

_I felt the branches of it looking at me_

_Is this the place we used to love?_

_Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

 

_Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?_

_I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

_I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin_

 

 

 

 

  
“Plaza hotel Isak, really?” Even questioned.  
  
“We need to get over that sometime, why not now?” Isak shrugged.  
  
Even just laughed. They checked in, got their room keys and went up to the suite. Isak took a deep breath to steady himself. “Hey.” he said, turning around, facing Even,  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“No running off this time, okay?”  
  
“I promise I won’t leave this room without you and I promise to leave fully clothed.”  
  
“Good.” Isak said, before he pushed Even down on the bed and stared undoing his tie. “But as long as your inside this room I want you naked.”  
  
Even just laughed and kissed him. Isak kissed him right back.

 

 

 

 

 

_And if you have a minute, why don't we go_

_Talk about it somewhere only we know?_

_This could be the end of everything_

_So why don't we go_

_Somewhere only we know?_  
  
  
  
  
  
After coming home from their honeymoon on Hawaii, they bought a new apartment closer to Eva and Jonas. Life returned to normal. Well, as normal as it could get when you are waiting for a call to go back to war. Isak went back to work at the hospital, learning that Jonah had died a few months after he had left for Afghanistan.  
  
“No matter what we did his heart kept giving out. After the third transplant they wouldn't even put him on the list.” Luke explained.  
  
“I should have been here.” Isak whispered. He had broken Jonah’s heart. And he hadn't manage to fix it. This was his fault.  
  
“I don’t think it would have made a difference Isak.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I think in the end, what killed him was his lack of will to live. He was so sad, all the time. I think he died of-“  
  
“A broken heart?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“It’s probably my fault.” Isak said.  
  
“No. No, you weren't the only person breaking his heart. As soon as his family learned he was gay the abandoned him, left him alone in here. He just didn't have anything to fight for I guess.”  
  
“Still.”  
  
“There was nothing you could have done Isak. This wasn't your fault. You did your best. And I heard you saved a lot of lives down there?”  
  
“I did.”  
  
“That’s good. Jonah would have been proud of you.”  
  
“I might go back you know. If they ask me to. Or, mainly if they ask Even. Wherever he goes, I will go too.”  
  
“I know. I will be honoured to have you here as long as you’re able to stay.”  
  
“Thank you Luke. I really appreciate this.”  
  
“No problem. I’m lucky to have you work here, if only temporary. Now, how about you come help me with a patient.”  
  
“Sure.”  


 

—

 

  
  
Even, being in the special ops, had a lot of time of now since they didn't have a mission. He was required to work out a lot, but other than that he had a lot of free time. So he took some online classes and tried to figure out something he wanted to become. But Isak knew there wasn't anything else for him than this.   
  
“Even. It’s fine. I support you, as long as you let me go with you.”  
  
“I could transfer back to the kings guard.”  
  
“You would be so bored.”  
  
“It would be safer.”  
  
“As long as you're happy and we’re together, that’s all that matters.”  
  
“We can’t have kids if we’re both going to war-zones all the time.”  
  
“I don’t need kids Even. I just need you.”  
  
“I need you too.”  
  
  
—-  
  
  
Some nights they babysat for Eva and Jonas. They really enjoyed having Silje over. But Isak had meant what he said. He didn't need kids. He only needed Even. They were a family. He had Even. His father. Even’s parents. Jonas, Eva and Silje. All their other friends. And it was enough. More than enough.  
  
  
One weekend when they all had time of, they went to Jonas’ cabin. Eva, Jonas, Silje, Isak and Even. They invited Aleksander, Lukas, Kim, Tobias and Simon as well. Pia and Madeleine couldn't come - they were both in Syria, volunteering.   
  
  
Isak and Eva sat on the porch, watching the other boys play tag with Silje. They were letting her win, of course. It was so adorable.   
  
“They seem like really nice guys.” Eva said.  
  
“They are.”  
  
“Are you going back down? All of you?”  
  
“If they call and ask for us.”  
  
“Hmm.”  
  
“You don’t like it.” Isak said point blank.  
  
“No. I don’t like my best friend going to war. But I know you have to follow your heart. And if this is where it goes, then follow it.”  
  
Isak watched Even run around with the others and smiled fondly. “It is.”  
  
Eva hugged him tight. “Then go. Just come back in one piece.”  
  
“I’ll try. We’ll both try. We made it the last tour.” Isak laughed.  
  
“I’m proud of you, you know.” Eva smiled.  
  
“I’m proud of you too.” He smiled.  
  
They fell silent for a while, watching the boys play. Lukas tackled Even to the ground and everyone, including Silje, laughed at them. Eva and Isak laughed too. They watched as Jonas helped Even back on his feet, the two boys smiling at each other.   
  
“Who would have guessed we would end up here, huh? If someone would have asked you during first year at Nissen if you could imagine this ever happening to us, would you have believed them?” Isak asked Eva, bumping his shoulder against hers.  
  
“Never!” she laughed, and took a sip of her soda.   
  
Isak laughed and took a sip of his own. “Me neither.”  
  
  


 

_Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?_

_I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

_I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin_

 

_And if you have a minute, why don't we go_

_Talk about it somewhere only we know?_

_This could be the end of everything_

_So why don't we go?_

_So why don't we go?_

 

 

  
  
A week later the call came. And before Even was off the phone, Isak had started packing. Even didn't say anything, he just smiled at Isak fondly and helped him. They were going to be gone for a year, so Eva and Jonas would rent out their apartment for them while they were gone.  
  
The next day, they meet the rest of Even’s team at the airport. They greeted each other, and walked together to the plane that would take them there.   
  
“You still sure about this?” Even questioned.  
  
“As long as I’m with you, I’m fine.”  
  
“You’ve said that a dozen times.”  
  
“Because it’s true.”  
  
“So you're fine with another year in a war-zone?”  
  
They sat down, put on their seatbelt. Isak grabbed Even’s hand, smiling fondly at his husband, and leaned in for a quick kiss.  
  
“Love is a battlefield.”  


 

 

 

_This could be the end of everything_

_So why don't we go_

_Somewhere only we know_

_Somewhere only we know_

_Somewhere only we know?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. At first this story was supposed to be a oneshot. And then it just started expanding. And about halfway through I realised that I can't actually write a story where Isak and Even doesn't end up together. Because they do. In every single parallel universe, they end up together. Alt er love.
> 
> This will be my last story here for a while. I've started writing another one, but it doesn't fit this fandom. I realise that people in the SKAM fandom only like stories that are happy and rainbows and butterflies and fluffy and that simply isn't my style. So I'll write this new story for myself I think. But maybe, one day, I'll get an idea that is happy and fluffy. Who knows.
> 
> To everyone who has read, commented and left kudos; Thank you so so much, I love you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Back again, with a new story. If you like it, please leave kudos and comments, they make my days brighter.  
> (If you have constructive criticism, please share that with me as well.)


End file.
